Dom Violence Feelings After Domestic Violence In A Marriage / Relationship

[Nicolette]

Initial emotions that the woman feels immediately after the domestic incident may include shock, numbness, nausea, confusion, and humiliation. The victim doesn't want everyone to find out what has happened, and she's devastated at the failure of her marriage due to the very hands of her husband. She seems dazed and confused as her whole world seems to be turned upside down. At the same time, she's still deep in love and has so many emotions and time invested in her partner that the abused woman may consider reconciliation, especially if the abuser is the father of her children.

source: [DLMURL]http://voices.yahoo.com/the-emotional-healing-process-after-domestic-violence-7133852.html?cat=41[/DLMURL]
author: Lauren C. Francis

Lauren also goes on to mention that many of the questions which run through the mind of a domestic violence victim are:

How did this happen?

Where did we go wrong?

What did I do to deserve this?

What if he hurts my kids next?

Should I leave even though I still love him and he's the father of my children?

Should I tell anyone about what he did?

Should I press charges and file a restraining order?

Should I file for divorce or try to make it work?

Is he really sorry for what he did?

Have you asked yourself these questions and how did you feel when you left a relationship?

Note: I get this is written by a female for females but I am not discounting it can happen to a male.

 

[Nicolette]

What did I do to deserve this?

For me this was the most confusing of all things as I couldn't work out what I did wrong or what I should have done better. I have come to the conclusion, over time, that since he never sat down and told me of any issues/problems or things I did which were irritating him other than wanting to be treated with respect, then I can't hold myself responsible for what wasn't pointed out to me. It's like, if you don't know it's broken, how can you fix it?!

The cycle of abuse is a sad dance when played out in life :(

 

[p-no]

Gosh, I can so relate to what Lauren says about women after domestic violence has happened. Right now, I'm in the "considering reconsiliation phase". However, I've experienced enough domestic violence to know, without a doubt, I will not let that phase win.

I think during my former marriage the most pressing question I should have asked myself, or did on some level while in the shock phase was "Is this actually really, REALLY happening?"

What has struck me often is that I have never felt I deserved any of my abuse, neither as a child nor an adult. I also have no shame issues. No clue why. I think I have always been aware of my own suffering. Why should anyone deserve this? There just is no reason at all.

 

[Nicolette]

What has struck me often is that I have never felt I deserved any of my abuse, neither as a child nor an adult. I also have no shame issues

I identify with this. I struggled to work out why I was abused as I didn't believe I did anything to deserve it - I did have very black and white thinking too so I felt I must have done something 'wrong' to be treated like that but could never work it out.

As for shame, I used to talk about what was going on and people would look at me as if I had something wrong with me...........:unsure:

I will not let that phase win

Good for you!!! :tu:

 

[therapybankrupt]

It can be a long battle. I think the less sense it makes the harder it is to shake. Also the type of abuse can be projected to make us take on false blame or feel undeserved guilt. Lengthy abuse is typically convincing. Similar to those who suffer Stockholm syndrome. It leaves us defending the abuser. The gas lighting has taken its toll. Nothing is as it seems. You are convinced you are not thinking right and surely everything is your fault. The guilt and worthlessness is burned in your psyche.Could we have done something different? Your spirit is shattered. They steal your self esteem and it takes years to rebuild. You did the best with what you new. Forgive yourself. Fight to heal your spirit. When we can love ourselves again we will see the truth in the destructive relationship that some of stayed to long in.

 

[Nicolette]

The gas lighting has taken its toll.

It was only last year that I saw the term gas lighting written and I had to Google it to understand what is was. I just did again and found a very good article which rings true to ways I have felt in relationships - like I was going mad but I knew I wasn't

http://thestir.cafemom.com/love_sex/159299/10_signs_your_man_is

 

[therapybankrupt]

Very good explanations for the gas-lighting I endured during my 24 year relationship with my ex husband. He still is trying to do it in emails and in court. Having his number it is not as effective but still a trigger of the pain and destruction it caused to my spirit.

 

[Nicolette]

Having his number it is not as effective

I still have a phone number saved in my contacts as "Crazy Mark" as I deleted it years ago, received a call and nearly died from shock when I realised who it was asking me to go to the beach :eek:........I would now rather always have the number than be caught like that again.

 

[p-no]

Me, too, Nicolette. Not going to delete phone number or filter and delete possible e-mails of recent ex. Better be aware of any weird behaviour and being able to (re)act than something happening out of the blue. My therapist even suggested it.

 

[p-no]

Goodness, that gaslighting is so ex-husband and recent ex. So relieved they're both exes. Thanks for the link!

 

[GG-love]

I had no idea the was a term for it. Wow all 10 steps. ...happy not to be livi ng with it daily but it sure helps me rralize how much I have yet to overcomr after 9 years of it.

 

[didithappen]

I have gone through this for the past 15 years of our marriage, and when my wife ran off with our Son in Feb, it compounded many of the feelings.

Especially confusion, and still feeling love for her, regardless of the pain she put me through. And I still feel some now, almost 8 months later, I still have feelings for her. I was stupidly in love with her for 21 years, even though she abused me daily.

How does an abuser get that much control?