Sexual Assault Feelings After Sexual Assault

[shoulderblades]

I can't put into words how thankful I am that this has been posted. I can't put into words how much all of this... all of this post resonates with my own experiences of dealing with sexual abuse, sexual assault and rape.

After an assault has occurred, many victims experience periods of emotional numbness which is a shock response. This response is often misinterpreted by those around them. For example, it may be taken as an indication that they are in control of the situation, are calm and relatively unharmed, or even that they are fabricating their experience of the assault.

This right here has been one of my biggest vices. I have been numb, for years. So numb that I convinced myself for years that I must have made it up in my head. But no. Every memory I have of sexual abuse, assault, molestation and rape is very, very real and very, very scary for me to come to terms with, and while I'm starting to address them, I still mostly feel numb. Not even anger, just numbness, and guilt, and shame. Horrible, horrible guilt and shame. And denial. Strong, almost impenetrable denial. Because until only a few months ago, I had no one to talk to about anything. I've carried around over 30 years of abuse - sexual, as well as emotional and psychological - and have never talked about it. Not talking about it allowed me to remain numb and in denial. But I'm recognising that remaining numb and in denial is slowly killing me inside. I need to let it out. I need to heal.

Sorry for the babbling and the long message here. This post just struck me to my core and I am trying to process what I'm feeling and rambling all the while.

 

[therapybankrupt]

Thanks for the information Nicolette! I think I have felt some of these at different times in my life! My abuse started around three.

TB

 

[headfucked]

I agree with this artical, its helped me understand I'm not the only one with these feelings. I'm lucky I have a partner who stuck by me and helping me through my court case but I feel like sometimes he blames me or doesn't trust fully what I'm saying and I still feel more alone then ever, I can't seem to make him understand why I wanted to act normal and not believe that it was rape or why I blame myself.

It's been a year and I feel like I'm struggling now more then ever. Sometimes I cant breathe and I've got no one to talk to because I've moved towns and lost my friends from receiving threats after going to the police. I just want someone to understand whats going on inside my head and my feelings. I reported the insident in feb 2012 and I'm still waiting for court , the longer I wait the more anxious I get and want it over already!

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

The article is helpful to read, I will have to read it again when I can focus and do it justice.

 

[cherryblossom]

It's almost tough to read because it is so accurate.

For me, I pretty much suffered all those factors, well before I could even acknowledge to myself why. Let alone tell anyone else why, or even accept it for myself. Years of denial, it took me a long time to accept that I felt and suffered all those things because of being raped. It was almost easier to bury my head in the sand about the rape, and think that there was something fundamentally wrong with me, than to accept that being raped caused all this stuff.

 

[pearlsforme]

I have felt a lot of these, right after my assaults. Eventually everything that I felt because I did not deal with it at the time, turned into mental illnesses.