"feelings" Are Something You're Supposed To Talk About?

[ghotiff]

People might occasionally want to know what I think, but I can't conceive of a reason why they'd want to know how I "feel". Unless they're planning to use it against me somehow.

Not everyone has been allowed to be in contact with them. Some of us need to learn what they are and what to do about them.

My 2nd abuser liked me to be emotionally suffering...if I didn't show emotion the abuse was less...so I learnt to not show it which is best done by suppressing/denying the emotions rather than hiding them.

Now, when I do feel something I don't like to share it, and I don't see the advantage or point. If the emotion gets strong, it just switches off. It's an interesting thing to watch from an intellectual standpoint, but it means in relationships I get called "ice queen" a lot.

 

[Purplemunchkin]

I can't conceive of a reason why they'd want to know how I "feel". Unless they're planning to use it against me somehow

Supporter here. How about because we want to understand you better, and try to make life easier for you? Your life experiences have taught you otherwise, I know that. But this is why we, people who care about you, want to know how you are feeling.

Some rubbish examples, but hopefully they explain a bit. My husband gets upset when his kids go home and it makes him sad to see the empty, tidy bedroom. I always used to open the bedroom door to let air through, but now I understand how it makes him feel I only air the room when he is out, and make sure the door is closed the rest of the time.

My stepson doesn't like the dark. I always used to turn off all the lights. Once I knew how he felt I bought him a nightlight for his room and I leave the landing light on when he stays.

On our honeymoon hubby and I took a sightseeing tour around the island we were staying on. Some of the roads are on the edges of steep drops. Once hubby explained that he didn't like heights the guide would stop and advise us to switch seats so he was away from the edge, which meant I got to see the awesome views and he could relax.

So if we know something makes you scared, upset, angry, or whatever negative emotion applies we will do our best to help you avoid or deal with these things. Or if we know something makes you relaxed or happy we will try to give this to you when we can.

If you don't know how you feel, obviously you can't tell us. This is where boundaries are good. If I can see something is bothering hubby I will ask him about it. But he has the absolute right to say he doesn't want to talk about it. That isn't an invitation for me to start throwing wild guesses at him, or badgering him to talk to me. I will leave him to his thoughts and go off and do something else. He will let me know when he is ready for company, and may or may not choose to talk about what was on his mind. Entirely his choice.

I do realise this is all easy for me to say. But it is true, I promise.

 

[Ronin]

... Right, I'm supposed to be here for more than a movie rec.

... See, but that IS how I talk 'feelings'. Feeble things, best served with something nice to watch & freshly baked goods.

 

[scout86]

@Purplemunchkin that sounds wonderful! And complicated. LOL The world needs WAY more people like you!

@Saria , I just got a chance to watch the video. Interesting! There's something weird and a bit confusing about it too, but interesting, for sure.

@FridayJones , once again, you've nailed it!

After the first time my T brought up "vulnerability" I was really thinking "NOW might be a good time to quit therapy." Then I started to worry that, if I just ignored him, HE'D decide to quit...... :nailbiting: He DOES encourage me to email between appointments...... What to do? So, I sent him an email, saying I'd been thinking about the whole "vulnerable thing" and, a couple days later it had occurred to me that there "might be a version of reality where being vulnerable isn't the worst idea EVER." and that I hope THAT wasn't where he was going with all this. :ninja: That led to "So, are we going to talk about 'vulnerable today?" :rolleyes: After that session, I was back to "NOW what do I do?" I was also about as close to total panic as I ever get, but heaven forbid I tell HIM that. So, I sent an email, mentioning that I'd been thinking about some of what he'd said. That he'd managed to be pretty non-threatening about it, which I appreciated. And that I was finding my reaction to it to be "interesting" and that maybe that wasn't quite the right word, but I wasn't sure what was. And THAT was "Me, being vulnerable and talking about feelings." What REALLY scares me is, I think he knows that!:nailbiting:

All of this reminds me of a dream I'd had. A "bad guy" (I knew who it was) was trying to break in to a building to get me. One of my cousins, who I'd always liked, showed up. I asked him "Are you here to save me?" His response was, "No, I'm here to kill you but I have to hurt you really bad first." (Later on in the dream he ended up dead, BTW.) I have this "feeling" (?) that what giving out this information does is sets you up to get killed, but they "have to hurt you really bad first". :bag:

 

[Mallaky]

@scout86 It seems you are uncomfortable being honest to your therapist. Can therapy even work that way? I am yet to begin mine, still waiting, so Im not judging, just asking.

 

[scout86]

Can therapy even work that way?

I think that depends. I actually find it much easier to be honest with HIM than with most people. But I've been working with him for 3 years. I think most of that time has really been about building trust. If I'd walked into his office and he'd expected me to just blindly trust him and talk about anything and everything, with no filter, from day one? THAT wouldn't have worked.

On the other hand, I've never lied to him either. And I've told him I won't. Told him that the day he asked me to call him before I ever tried to kill myself, actually. (I told him I wasn't going to make that promise because I wasn't going to lie to him. Not what he wanted to hear, but he accepted it as my answer and we moved on.)

I've read posts from other members who've said, for them, it's not about the person, it's about the process. They, near as I can tell, dive right in and just blindly trust their T. Makes my skin crawl just THINKING about doing that.

 

[scout86]

I wonder if I'll ever figure this out!

It seems like there are two, polar opposite ways of experiencing this. (That's probably not accurate. It never REALLY works that way, does it? There's always some kind of continuum?)

Because I experience this the way I do, I'm surprised at the intensity of responses from the "opposing view". I'm really trying to understand how "feelings" are a good thing and what the benefit of sharing them can possibly be. I suppose I grew up in an environment where "Anything you say can and WILL be used against you". That actually IS true, isn't it? I'd really like to hear more about how this works in the alternative versions of reality, if people are willing to share.

Those of you who are comfortable with the idea of "feelings" and sharing them, can you explain how you came to think it's a good thing to do?

 

[Ronin]

what the benefit of sharing them can possibly be.

If they're a bad thing, you trash them out?
As one of the benefits?
If they're a good thing, you get something to build off on?

 

[mary1979]

Haha. And this my friend is why we all in therapy ;)

 

[scout86]

@mary1979 , I hadn't really considered that until lately. LOL In fact, I didn't realize, until lately, that there was another way to look at this. From what I keep reading from supporters, who REALLY seem to want to talk about feelings, there must be a very different way of looking at it out there somewhere. It just doesn't resonate at ALL with any version of reality I've ever experienced myself.

 

[mary1979]

@mary1979 , I hadn't really considered that until lately. LOL In fact, I didn't real...

I think supporters ask that question too much sometimes.
Talk about pressure.
Maybe they expect us to be brimming with a thousand different emotions and are using the question to predict the next possible outburst haha.

My husband be all 'how are you feeling?'

I respond 'hmm hungry'

He looks at me like he doesn't quite believe me 'how are you REALLY feeling?'

Umm. Like I might try to chew my arm off at any moment from starvation? Is that deep enough?

Dont you be worrying mate, if I feel like ripping out a machete and slicing your heart out at all in the next 30 minutes, I promise you will be first to know ;)

I guess they cant understand what they cant feel themselves?
Bummer that sentence often applies to us as well.

 

[Anarchy]

From what I keep reading from supporters, who REALLY seem to want to talk about feelings

Are those supporters any less dysfunctional or any less screwed up than we are?