"feelings" Are Something You're Supposed To Talk About?

[Anarchy]

I think that the "let it all out" idea is based on some highly fallacious reasoning by analogy - our minds are not steam boilers, our thoughts are not steam;

"pressure", "stress", "strain", "fatigue" do not transfer directly from engineering to us - especially when a goodly proportion of the amateur psychologists haven't even got a clue what "stress" and "strain" actually refer to, or that in engineering they refer to very different things, and are not interchangeable.

 

[Mallaky]

It seems like there are two, polar opposite ways of experiencing this.

That seems true! I am as confused by your point of view, as you seem to be to mine. That is super interesting.

I am not feeling well at all right now, so I may only talk gibberish but I want to try. But this is also a great example. I am full of anxiety and insecurities right now, and that puts a veil over everything I think. Because I know those feelings intimately and have spent a great deal of time dissecting them, talking about them and understanding them, they do not control me anymore. I know how those emotions impact my thinking, cloud my vision and tend to mislead me greatly. Right now I feel pretty worthless, I feel stupid and I feel I have nothing to contribute, and I know that giving in to those feelings will just harm me, will just feed them.

A few years ago I would go and drink myself stupid now, because I did not have that skill yet. Before I got my anger under control, or fear or insecurity or anxiety or shame and so on and on, I first had to learn to talk about these awful emotions. The most difficult part of the process for sure. But once I learned how to it easily became a big part of my life. The more I talked, the more I understood and the more i understood the less control they had over me. I am a very different person nowadays, and the big difference is I got in tune with my emotions. This talking about emotions stuff is not some bright pink hippie bullshit, but self help.

When one is angry, one can repress it all or "let it all out" (Which is not helpfull at all, contrary to popular wisdom) or one can understand it. Follow it to its roots and understand the underlying problems, so that one day the rage does not need repressing or letting out. Instead of three days of terror nowadays a fit of rage leads me to a good discussion and that is that. Nowadays I learn instead of selfdestruct.

Oh, and I mentioned in the first part that I don't feel great. I have zero fear that you will use it to hurt me or anything. Why would I? Why would you? The only thing that saying it did, was making me feel more secure trying to write this post. By acknowledging my state of mind I allowed myself to be imperfect, which sorry but I have to use the word, made vulnerability so much easier. Without being okay with being vulnerable I would not have been able to write this, let alone press "Post reply."

Brene Brown did a great ted talk about vulnerability. I would love to hear what you think about it. (edit: Its three years ago I watched it. Maybe its not good, but I loved it at the time.)

 

[Saria]

Haha. And this my friend is why we all in therapy ;)

Haha! This is us trying to figure out the whole "talking about feelings"-thing

 

[Saria]

On a more serious note I do feel that it helps a lot to be able to express to a friend or therapist what I'm feeling. When I after a long time in confusing chaos realize that I am sad and are able to express it, it feels less confusing and comforting in a sort of way. And it also gives the other person an opportunity to be supporting. I still find it hard to receive comfort, but sometimes it does really help. So I guess what I'm saying is that it feels good to know what I'm feeling? But that it often takes some time before I'm able to identify the emotion. If that makes sense @scout86

 

[Purplemunchkin]

Dont you be worrying mate, if I feel like ripping out a machete and slicing your heart out at all in the next 30 minutes, I promise you will be first to know ;)

Well that is a relief :roflmao:

 

[scout86]

@Mallaky , I'm going to try to find that TED talk! :)

I know those feelings intimately and have spent a great deal of time dissecting them

I might spend a great deal of time avoiding them, because they've never seemed to be very useful. LOL At some point after this came up, my T mentioned that he thought I "experienced a fair amount of anxiety". I thought he was wrong, and said so. Turns out that "the end of the world is coming" feeling is called "anxiety". :wideeyed: That's something I'd noticed. It leads me to look around and see if I can locate a specific thing that might need to be dealt with, but, if there's not, I tend to consider it to just be "a thing" and ignore it. I'm a little perplexed (no, a LOT perplexed!) to think that just talking about it would change anything. (You guys are at least convincing me that my T isn't the only person in the world who thinks that way. LOL)

I have zero fear that you will use it to hurt me or anything. Why would I? Why would you?

There are scenarios where, if you give someone insight into where you're vulnerable, using it against you is EXACTLY what they'll do. Another possible outcome is that you'll be told that your feelings are "wrong" or that you're not actually feeling them. I'M not going to do that, and I truly never have understood why others do. I've tended to go with the idea that there WAS something wrong with me, my feelings WERE wrong, etc.

@Saria , great video! (I'm a little worried about the kid's eye sight because she/he is obviously bright enough. Got to like the creative problem solving! :))

On a more serious note I do feel that it helps a lot to be able to express to a friend or therapist what I'm feeling.

That seems to be what my T is suggesting. I tend to come at things from a problem solving stand point. Talking to him helps me identify problems and come up with solutions. I believe you when you say that expressing your feelings to someone helps. Can't relate to it. Don't you worry that you're just bothering them with something that's really not all that important anyway?

 

[Ronin]

This is us trying to figure out the whole "talking about feelings"-thing

Toddler needs a new box the shapes would fit just well, in toddler-looks.

... Now how to fit that into needing a different framework for feelings work. :shifty::sneaky:

 

[scout86]

Here's a link to the TED talk.http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability
It's interesting. She talks about being vulnerable........I'm not sure how to express this. She sounds like she's talking about a version of reality where you're performing with a net. You "risk" that you will be found unworthy, but she kind of makes it sound like that isn't a real risk. Like you take the chance and we all live happily ever after. I can believe that it might work that way some of the time. I KNOW it doesn't work that way all of the time, and it's my perception that it works that way less often than it blows up in you face. And the reward, if you will, for taking the risk is what? A pat on the head and the comment "that's nice"?

Obviously I don't get this, yet.

 

[Purplemunchkin]

There are scenarios where, if you give someone insight into where you're vulnerable, using it against you is EXACTLY what they'll do. Another possible outcome is that you'll be told that your feelings are "wrong" or that you're not actually feeling them. I'M not going to do that, and I truly never have understood why others do. I've tended to go with the idea that there WAS something wrong with me, my feelings WERE wrong, etc.

Someone who cares about you, or is a nice 'hooman bean', would certainly try not to use your feelings against you. Some will do exactly what you say, and that is because, sadly, the world isn't that straight forward and people can be found on a scale between evil and unintentional w@nker.

Feelings are never wrong; they may stem from a misunderstanding so you feel hurt when that wasn't the other person's intention. Doesn't mean you aren't feeling hurt though.

And the reward, if you will, for taking the risk is what? A pat on the head and the comment "that's nice"?

I guess. But taking the risk and telling my first and second (current, hopefully permanent) husbands that I loved them, I can't really explain the reward, suffice it to say for me it was worth it. Telling my step-kids I love them was a reward in itself, but when either of them tell me they love me - wow, that brings tears of joy to my eyes just to type down.

 

[The Albatross]

I really liked the vid Saria shared on post #10 because mid video, rather quickly he discusses the importance of naming the feeling correctly or accurately. My shrink had to work with me a good deal on that because I was quite often not doing this... I'd default to the one, two or three "feelings" of my hardwiring that were considered relatively "acceptable" during my abuse. (It was allowed for me to be angry but not to show fear for example...) It took a good deal of working with it and self examination to begin to be accurate about what I was feeling when fearful/anxious/stressed/triggered... so I could get that "soothing the downstairs brain" thing he talks about.

 

[Saria]

Don't you worry that you're just bothering them with something that's really not all that important anyway?

Both yes and no. I do worry that I'm bothering them, but I am certain that sharing emotions in general are important.What I don't know is if my emotions are important. Like, am I worthy of someone else's time, warmth and presence? Cognitively, I know I'm equal to other people, but emotionally I feel I'm not worthy of breathing and walking on this earth - and certainly not bother them with my problems. But the few times I have been able to be vulnerable with others, they've been nothing but kind. And I believe most people would?

 

[Friday]

I :inlove: that toddler!!!

I want this thing inside the box. It doesn't fit in the hole. How ELSE can I get it inside the box? There. Job done.

:D