"feelings" Are Something You're Supposed To Talk About?

[Deleted member 12723]

I think the toddler is a genius! She got all of the shapes exactly in the place they were supposed to go. I know off topic, but in a way I think that is what I do with my feelings. Try and if that does not work they go in the box.

 

[scout86]

Actually @gizmo , I don't think that's off topic at all! :) And, maybe I do the same thing. My T keeps mentioning things that he considers to be "feelings" and I keep replying with "THAT is a feeling????"

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I hear you and comprehend. Exactly!

 

[The Albatross]

Relate Scout, how surprised was I that there was a whole vast range of feelings instead of the default ones I was "allowed to have" at first by abusers then later accepted as my own. It took some work and I sort of had to create experiences to access them and not just read a definition and think I understood them intellectually.

At one point I had a really in depth mood chart and kept a "mood journal" on a note pad... just so I could begin to understand that some feelings other ones were really still there, I just either mislabeled them, or I failed to attend to them due to perceptual bias - others were missing but at least I had a list to try to get some of them back after I'd identified them.

 

[scout86]

I sort of had to create experiences to access them

That's an interesting idea, I'll have to play with that a little.

I just either mislabeled them, or I failed to attend to them due to perceptual bias

I tend to just NOT label it, rather than mislabel. It's just a "thing", so there's no value assigned to it and it can't be a problem. Someone earlier mentioned "ignoring" feelings. I'm not really aware of doing that. You know, "It's nothing but a thing"?. Kind of like Helen Keller, pre-language?

We have sort of a running joke, my T & I (although I suspect he doesn't think it's funny) that this stuff is "mind over matter. If I don't mind, it doesn't matter." If I don't notice a "feeling" I don't have to deal with it. It seems like it works, to me. (He seems to wish I'd find a better way of looking at it.)

 

[ghotiff]

She sounds like she's talking about a version of reality where you're performing with a net.

I think this is why I didn't get much from that Ted talk. Thanks.

Someone who cares about you, or is a nice 'hooman bean', would certainly try not to use your feelings against you. Some will do exactly what you say, and that is because, sadly, the world isn't that straight forward and people can be found on a scale between evil and unintentional w@nker.

A person who normally is a good human, and cares about me can change. They can change forever (eg breakup) or they can change momentarily (eg in a fight).
There is a phrase I read once that really resonates for me regarding human behaviour "3 meals away from anarchy". What this means is that if you take away something necessary like food, then people change and the thin veneer of society breaks down.

At one point I had a really in depth mood chart and kept a "mood journal"

Would you be willing to share more. This sounds fascinating.

 

[shimmerz]

The more I talked, the more I understood and the more i understood the less control they had over me. I am a very different person nowadays, and the big difference is I got in tune with my emotions. This talking about emotions stuff is not some bright pink hippie bullshit, but self help.

I think the problem with not being able to label feelings properly (or denying them) is that they are then driven by our subconscious. Things driven by my subconscious, anyway, is somewhat like my life being driven by a rabid animal. It rarely works out well.

If I can assign it a 'word' (the feeling) then I am lifting that feeling to my upper brain which allows me more control over how I deal with it. I can make connections and choices when I am presented with 'that feeling'. Do I leave the situation? Do I tell someone off? Am I missing out on a key beautiful moment?

Someone who cares about you, or is a nice 'hooman bean', would certainly try not to use your feelings against you. Some will do exactly what you say, and that is because, sadly, the world isn't that straight forward and people can be found on a scale between evil and unintentional w@nker.

Yes, and this can be such a random card if we don't know what we feel about our own feelings. It is incredibly confusing. At the end of it all, I think what works out, if we can't connect to our feelings is that we methodically shut down more and more of our lives.... because we aren't speaking or understanding the language of others around us without being in touch or trusting our feelings.

Feelings are never wrong;

I tend to disagree with this. Those of us who were raised in a gaslighting environment get mixed up ideas of what feelings are. I may feel like I love someone who is a total asshole to me. Why? Because what I have been taught love is, is actually a mixture of contempt, anger, hatred even. I don't know though.... because I was told I was loved right after someone slammed me up against a wall. So this is not a shut down of feelings, like I think Scout is speaking about, but instead a mis-wiring of labels we have learned to assign to feelings.

 

[The Albatross]

@ghotiff (and maybe Scout or others) hope this isn't off topic.

(click to enlarge images)

Well crap, some of these thumbnails aren't really readable unless you also click "show original location"... but the first one is the emotions chart... I worked with a similar one for a good while and tried to create opportunities to experience ones I couldn't recognize or access... not all obviously, but I have a much wider range than I did since coming here and with therapy.

 

[shimmerz]

Super helpful (for me anyway) Albatross. I had no idea that there were more than 5 emotions/feelings. Thanks for this.

 

[The Albatross]

When used consistently in conjunction with a diary or journal... like I did for about 2-3 years... I began to learn how to more accurately assess and understand my "moods"/emotional states and what was going on... what was a throw back default and sort of choose and frame up opportunities to expand the field of emotional choices. Sort of like that old adage about three note rock music... emotions are that way as well... the broader the range, the more accurate you are as you relearn and have assess to the scope of "feelings"... the more intricate, accurate, and better the music is. Life isn't Da, Da, DA... Da, Da, DA-da...da da DA da da.... anymore... it's more like a symphony.

 

[The Albatross]

"I tend to just NOT label it, rather than mislabel. It's just a "thing", so there's no value assigned to it and it can't be a problem."

Huh. Except that it's a defensive living pattern of behavior and if you're goal is to be reintegrated then it won't happen because to you it's an object out and away from your "self". I guess though Scout, that depends on what your therapeutic goals are and whether or not you really want to integrate. Not all people do, but it comes with consequences.

Depersonalization?

 

[shimmerz]

Depersonalization

Smart. I don't know if one can survive early chronic neglect without getting really good at depersonalization of oneself.

Depersonalization is described as feeling disconnected or estranged from one's body, thoughts, or emotions.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Depersonalization