Feelings Of Inferiority

[anonymous]

The more aware I became of who I am, and how much I differ from other people regarding my social skills, relationship building and all the other things that accompany complex trauma, the more inferior and insecure I start to feel amongst other people.
I am so over aware of the skills I lack.

I feel damaged and less in worth amongst most other people, and I dont want to feel like this. I see how most people have natural emotional resources that I have not. I see how suple they handle situations that I struggle with or that overwhelm me, and it makes me very insecure about my own actions or decisions.

It fels like I have no qualities or good things to offer to other people, and thats not realistic at all. I would like to rebuild my selfimage and selfesteem but I dont know how to fight my automatic inferiority respons. I dont know how to trust myself and my ideas and actions to be normal and okay.

Of course I have quality's, I just dont know what they are anymore.

Does anyone relate? How do you handle these feelings? How do you build selfesteem?

 

[bell]

First step: Stop comparing yourself to others! Just stop it. Full stop. If you're like me, and have no "before" to compare yourself with PTSD, then, for all intents and purposes, we are not like other people. Therefore, it is just plain useless to compare ourselves to them.

Second step: Think about the good qualities you do have, because you DO have them! Focus on them. Even if they are super tiny like: "I make a good cup of tea" or seem stupid like "I can get groceries for myself." And make a list.

Third step: Therapy, therapy, therapy. If you aren't going to therapy, then chances are you will stay the same.

Fourth step: Stop listening to that tape in your head that is telling you that you are worth nothing. Every time your mind tells you a negative thought, immediately replace it with a more positive thought about yourself. (Even if it seems stupid or like you are doing this all day long!)

Fifth step: Make a list like this of steps you can take. Baby steps. If it helps, I like to watch the "baby steps" scene from "What About Bob?" (you can find it on YouTube) when I'm feeling low as it makes me laugh and has a lot of wisdom. Review the list whenever you're feeling sad, because it will remind you that you CAN do this!

 

[p-no]

I can relate, anonymous. I have bouts of that, yet not as severe as they used to be. Now they are short-lived, by the most a day or two at a time, rarely. It's possible to change is what I'm trying to say.

How do I handle those feelings? I don't. "Handling" to me implies actively doing something with them. I don't do anything with them, but let them come, feel them. Sometimes that can be an incredibly difficult rollercoaster ride but I will not try to do anything with the feelings per se but rather hold on as tight as I can to the car and make sure I'll stay on until the ride is over.

There is a quote that has helped me a lot ("What about Bob?" has helped me, too!):

"Grief is an ocean that pulls me under, tumbles me, scrapes me up and spits me out on a new beach, three inches taller."

I have learned that "Grief" can be replaced by any of my emotions, and that you can grow tall by growing three inches at a time.

How to build self-esteem? I, personally, have never been able to build it by following advice form respective self-help books on that matter. What has helped me is find myself by doing what I do on the forum: perceive what I have a benign attitude about (e.g. a butterfly fluttering by, books, a piece of cinnamon chocolate, a friendly smile from the lady at the bakery, exhaling deeply when laying down on my sofa, watching a candle burning...) and then introduce those things into my life and repeat them. Develop my own self more, find out more about what I like and don't like. ... Difficult to put into words. Focus on self. Spend time with your self. Watch "What about Bob?" ;)

I am glad that you can see that you do have qualities even if you can not put your finger on them at the moment. I think bell's post could be helpful.

 

[yaya]

Hi Anon, I feel inadequate pretty much constantly, and self esteem has always been a struggle. I've never been like other people, more mature in a lot of ways and still very immature at the same time. Leaving the house can be a struggle for me and I hate myself for all of these weaknesses I perceive in myself. I've been told I have a very false sense of how I think people perceive me though. I'm one of those people who think everyone's talking crap or thinking bad thoughts about me as soon as I enter a room but really, most people have other things to think about lol. My point is that how you see yourself may not be what is real and focusing on the crappy stuff just makes it all that much worse until it's all you see about you.

I really agree with everything Bell said, therapy can really help but it helps if you ask specifically for some excersizes you can do. Something simple Dr 1 said was that I needed to learn how to accept a compliment. I was not allowed to roll my eyes, ignore, or shoot down any compliment I received from anyone. And believe it's still hard and I did that excersize 6 yrs ago but sometimes I actually believe the person giving the compliment.

How I deal with this? Some days are better than others of course, some days I can't get out of my head, so I turn on good mood music (energetic, makes you wanna dance even if you look like a dork) and my kids get into it with me and they laugh. Some days I have to write it out. I kinda scream on paper and cry and then when I'm done I take a shower to help relax me and kinda recharge you know? And then I'll sit down and write five things I like about myself that I did that week. Sometimes five is really really hard but heck, some days I'm proud I got dressed. I admit having my children and husband around helps because they make me want to be better, to feel good about me, so I do things that make them happy and in so doing, make me feel good about myself. If you always look down on yourself then your children will learn to do the same. Honestly, I have a personality disorder so different days call for different things, and some days I'm fine with myself. But the more I accept some things I cannot change (mood swings, extreme anxiety disorder, and ocd tendancies) and focus on things I can change (get down and lazy, taking my frustrations out on the people around me, and always always, new ways to be a better mom and wife) I'm learning that I can do this. My so called weaknesses are frustrating and exhausting sometimes but I remember there are people who think I'm pretty cool either way.

 

[arfie]

I relate on levels I wish I didn't.

Typically, when I start comparing myself to others, I am comparing their outside to my inside. I don't get to feel other people's insecurities or conflicts. Not even when we are happily sharing a pillow. I don't get to escape mine. JUST getting my comparisons to a more realistic comparison helps me allot. Just... Really, I am trying to kick the people comparison habit, all together.

As for building my personal, incomparable self-esteem... Maybe you can ask again next week. This week I am feeling like a lazy, drooling maggot. Where's my remote?

 

[DMerish]

The more aware I became of who I am, and how much I differ from other people regarding my social skills, relationship building and all the other things that accompany complex trauma, the more inferior and insecure I start to feel amongst other people.

Yep, I can relate. I have felt like I have the word "WEIRD" written on my forehead sometimes, because that's how I felt inside.

But over the years I've come to see that oftentimes "normal" is just a thing - a mask one wears so others don't see how weird many people truly are inside.

Sometimes forgetting about the qualities and talents that one has is part of the deal for folks with PTSD. And coming back to remind one's self of them is part of healing. Bell gave a great response above!

 

[Britt.f7]

It's definitely a struggle. I don't do well with reminders that tell me I'm a good person, or other notes people put throughout their house to help them with their self esteem. Not good with mantra's. I wish I could tell you what has worked for me, but, so far, I'm not sure. I'm still working on believing in myself. I am in therapy to help with that and I have a decent support system. I know my thinking is distorted so I try working on talking myself through those moments. On a rational level, I know I am not a hideous person inside and out...but,sometimes, those thoughts intrude and become louder then the rationale.

I can tell you this, from what I've observed working in some aspect of customer service for over 20 years, there are many people who lack social skills, probably some who think they have it when they truly don't. I think, like me, they fudge it at times. Pretend and hopefully it all works out in the end.