Feelings Of Insignificance.

[scout86]

I don't think you're insignificant at all, and I'm sure most everyone here would agree with that.

One of the things I'm starting to see is that a lot of people won't treat you any better than you think you deserve. Regardless of what you think you deserve or how you came to feel you deserve it. I've been in a few relationships with people who were involved with me for reasons of their own and didn't actually care about me at all, beyond what I could do for them. I can see, now, that part of what they found "attractive" about me was that I didn't think I deserved much, so they didn't have to give much to get what they wanted. There are people out there who treat you well, regardless. They seem to be hard to find! When you find them, they're well worth keeping around. But, will you do that if you don't think you deserve it? Possibly not!

Russ, EVERYONE is significant. You have an impact on people and the world is a different (better, I think) place because you're in it. You may not feel it, but you ARE significant. You too, @The Albatross , whether you're maintaining a low profile or not!

 

[Chava]

The food analogy is interesting because it is so generalized. I used to think significance was about recognition and being involved in important things (it is awesome to be part of something anduseful to others, but possible to feel insignificant anyway). I can feel insignificant doing something important or impressive and I can feel insignifcant in a relationship with someone who actually cares about me...so it's about projecting my total lack of self at times onto my whole world. Meanwhile, all those feelings might go away if I work on a painting that nobody will give a damn about...because I am just slowing down and connecting to my self....all outside validation or old internal beliefs about my signifcance disappear and I can simply "be"......it's more that I'd simply like to carry that connected self, the one that just loves to be alive, into whatever I do....then it will be good enough and I won't even mess in my head with questions of meaning or significance. But I could be President and feel like my life is meaningless if I'm totally disconnected from my spirit (or whatever it is).

I never even thought I should grow up, so I feel like I had to prove to myself that I deserved to live....but I could never be good enough or significant or important or worthy enough. I have had to heal the feelings of unworthiness, shame, disconnection, and self-hatred (still working, but I know life feels good and I'm good enough for it many days...lots to simply appreciate, wonder about, and feel grateful for)

 

[Tippi]

Dearest RussH.....

I do relate because I have felt insignificant all of my life. Growing up abused and neglected does leave a child with a deep, deep sense of "nothingness." I myself felt so invisible as a person that I actually used to ask my husband, "Am I really real? Am I really here? Am I real person?" And I think the reason I felt such a lack of connection to my "self" was caused directly by my two parents' constant ignoring of my very "self" as a living, breathing, unique child. Being treated in an inhumane manner as a child truly does stunt the ego.

It is hard to explain that sense of insignificance to another person, isn't it?

I recall reading somewhere that if a child experiences a lot of emotional neglect, even if they are not being physically or sexually abused, they will grow up with a profound sense of emptiness. And they will be so confused because they have no idea that they experienced abuse......they will say, "But my parents never hit or spanked me." But I can tell you, from personal experience of being abused in all manners, that the emotional neglect seems to have damaged me far more than even the physical and sexual abuse I suffered. I feel bad for people who grew up with that type of emotional neglect because they don't even understand why they feel such a deep sense of emptiness inside. They blame themselves instead of understanding the genesis of those feelings.

If your parents ignored you or didn't permit you to have emotions or show emotions; if you were punished for showing emotion; if you were shamed, mocked, ridiculed, belittled for showing emotion; if your need to talk and share and express yourself honestly wasn't allowed; then you probably grew up not feeling a bit important or significant. It's painful. As for me, I can get triggered and taken right back to those exact feelings of shame and insignificance. Someone doesn't respond to a text.......or return a phone call......doesn't remember my birthday.......ignores me while talking to everyone else around me.......all of these can cause me to go right back into those same feelings of unimportance.

Does anything I've shared relate to you?

I like your analogy about food and seasonings.......I just love to cook. Cooking is therapeutic for me!

 

[RussH]

@Tippi My parents were actually very loving, well my dad in the manner he could be. My situation was extensive bullying over a long period of time from my neighborhood friends and school mates. I think it finally hit me that they would not treat me like they were doing if I meant anything, or was worth anything, therefore I must be meaningless and worthless.

I also agree competely about the not responding to a text, or returning phone calls and missing birthdays. When that happens I automatically thing it is because I am not worth the effort.

As for cooking we will have to share recipes. What kind of cooking do you enjoy?

 

[RussH]

You're T rates what up there with me when she stated then asked, "I don't feel particularly significiant so how is it suppose to feel?". I hope you'll be able to fill her in Russ and let her know you've been thinking about it.

Unfortunately, with the loss of my job and the reduction in my income, I cannot afford to see my T right now; just another wonderful benefits of how my former employer treated me.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Russ, I remember believing the lies about myself for so many years. It took a lot of really hard work and changing my thought patterns about myself that the truth began to replace the false beliefs. I am a good person, that is a human being who has made a lot of mistakes and will probably always will. I continue to root out the false beliefs within me and it has changed my life for the better.

What false beliefs do you have about yourself? It takes practice, but I have found catching myself and being positive about who I am really helped me so much. But I was always not ready before and that is why it took so many years.

You are a good person even if you do not believe it yet.

 

[Go Hungry]

I have this feeling too, particularly involving my work. @SheilaKathy it's very common for males to place great importance on income of some sort. Being the top wage-earner in a relationship can be extremely gratifying to them in some ways. What's worse is that in some instances, successful women who make more than their guys can end up thinking that he's no good because he isn't bringing in as much. Some of that did go on with my ex-wife. I was told on one occasion to either start bringing in more cash or to get out.

It's a thing very wrapped up in gender roles of western civilization and particularly American society. Even in gay relationships the top earner often feels contempt for the lower earner. So what your husband did was rather typical, and extremely rotten. Your contribution to society was in some ways more important than his. Yeah, he made money; but you supported people in times of need, that's huge in my book. Sheesh, I could go into a diatribe about these topics like you wouldn't believe.. :laugh:

But back to the feelings of insignificance. I have those alot. Particularly when I think of other people who are out there changing lives and bringing in the dough. I haven't achieved much in life besides not ending it. I'm starting to feel 'up' again, so that feeling can change. I've done some cool things; slightly changed the lives of 400,000 people with a story I wrote. I've set people up in good relationships and helped people escape some bad ones. I've made an impact. But not in a long time, and that bugs me. I feel I must be doing something to change the world in order to be worth anything. I really don't feel worthy of life or happiness unless it involves validation from someone else. I feel that my esteem comes from others perception of me, so if they don't like me, it's because I'm unworthy, not because they are an asshole. (Granted I have been a major asshole at times in my life.)

Likewise, if somebody does compliment me or say they love me, I have a very difficult time accepting that. Receiving praise terrifies me. I think it was because I was effectively dehumanized at different times in my life. I was an object to people, not a human being. So I just started believing it down in my core.

Honestly, I would kill to be someones Salt, but I need to be salty enough for myself.. Yaaar!! :p

 

[Tippi]

@RussH , I want to apologize for going on and talking so much about my own personal history of family abuse. I should never have assumed that family abuse took place in your own situation, so I hope you'll forgive me!

I do know that prolonged bullying causes so much pain and lingering effects of trauma. I'm glad that our society seems to be more aware of what bullying does to children. I'm so sorry you went through that, Russ.

As for cooking, I love all types, actually. I like baking......I make homemade eclairs and cream puffs, chocolate cheese cake with fresh raspberries (my daughter's fav!), a decadent 4-layer carrot cake (my son-in-law's fav!).........but I also like making homemade chicken noodle soup and pasta dishes and homemade herb bread. I don't know why I like to cook. My mother actually hated cooking.........I'm basically just "self-taught." What's your specialty?

 

[Tippi]

@SheilaKathy , you are the type of person I most admire in this world. I never have been impressed by job titles, what people earn, etc. .........You're the type of person who makes huge contributions, often unseen, often unappreciated. Interacting with others, being a warm and open person, offering someone else comfort or advice or support........these are vital needs in society. And especially in our society today, which often seems to have become narcissistic.

Sometimes the world can make you feel insignificant and invisible. I feel that way every day. But I sit here with the utmost respect for you. Thank you for being you.

 

[Tippi]

Receiving praise terrifies me.

I have this very same reaction to praise......and I've always wondered why. What you said made sense to me........

 

[RussH]

Hi Tippi, no need to apologize we all have a history that brought us to this forum, and it is good to share it with people who understand.

As for my speciality in cooking: I am working toward becoming a gormet witha emphisis on french cooking. I also like to bake. I am experimenting with making fruit smoothies and just different kinds of cooking. I am short of time, but later I pm you with some pictures of things I have made.

 

[Tippi]

@RussH , thank you for being so understanding!

Yes, I'd love to see some pictures of things you've made. Do you ever find your baking or cooking to be somewhat therapeutic? I do.