Feels Like Things Are Slowly Spiraling

[Iyllsa]

I don't know what to put really. I know I'm feeling stressed and I've already had moments of wanting to die. Urges where it felt like I just needed a slight poke to jump, but wouldn't because of a random thought or memory that would keep me in.

I know I'm stressed and worried for my friend, but it's not that. I want to help my friend and I really do want to be there for her, but right now I feel like I'm too depressed to think clearly and to be as considerate of her feelings.

A few days ago(on friday) a truck was centimeters away from hitting me. It brushed right past me showing no signs of slowing down. If I were to have just kept walking.. at the speed he was going, I would have been hit and I probably would have been thrown some distance from my original standing point, but I wouldn't have died unless the guy would have ran over my body.

I'd probably get broken bones at the worst. He wasn't traveling that fast. Only getting bruises, I wouldn't be surprised but because it was a truck I also wouldn't be surprised if I got fractures or broken bones.

It was a rainy day.. I can't stop thinking back to it thinking, "If only I kept walking." "If only I took one more step.. just one more." "It would have been okay. I wouldn't have died. But something would have happened."

I don't know. Right now I feel like sleeping and not waking up. I am trying to distract myself from my thoughts. I am glad I recently "upgraded" a friendship with a friend where we both opened up to each other about our depression and I told him that I had OCD, PTSD, and Panic Disorder. I didn't go into detail like my dissociation or psychotic episodes...

So I am trying but I feel like I'm doing it "because it's something to do...i guess." I feel so half hearted. I just woke up from a nap so it helps a bit that I'm feeling more rested than when I fell asleep, but I don't know.

 

[joeylittle]

I can't stop thinking back to it thinking, "If only I kept walking." "If only I took one more step.. just one more." "It would have been okay. I wouldn't have died. But something would have happened."

These feelings often come when we know we need more help than we currently have, but don't know how to go about actually getting it. Sometimes it's because getting more intensive help seems impossible, for whatever reason - sometimes, because of fear - and sometimes, because of depression fog.

Half-hearted trying to stay distracted and/or engaged, even when it's half-hearted, is still 100% awesome as far as coping goes. Hardly anything self-care related feels like it's really got strong motivation behind it, when depression is strong.

I believe you have an appointment with your therapist coming up, soon, @Iyllsa. Is that right?

 

[Iyllsa]

These feelings often come when we know we need more help than we currently have, but don't know how...

I don't disagree. I've noticed that a couple months ago I can't even bring myself to attend my classes. Last year I was struggling but at least I was attending. I was just getting a diagnoses and other problems were going on, but now I just go to the school to make my parents think I'm going to the classes. I hate it because I'm missing out on two classes that I really enjoy, but for some reason I just can't bring myself to go.. I do try to go in when I can and I'm lucky that one of the teachers is actually a psychiatrist and, although I never spoke to her about my problems, she seems pretty understanding and easy going. When I do attend I do try to show that I'm wanting to learn. I participate as much as I can, though usually it's only one or two sayings from me. I get really anxious being in a setting like a classroom. It's not too and because it's a lecture hall and people are spread out, but a typical classroom where everyone is close together... I quickly dropped that class. I passed out on the first day and couldn't handle it.

I've been talking with my therapist about a service dog but I'm not sure if I'd be able to due to parents and all that. They're not a big fan of animals. Right now I'm not on any medication and I don't doubt that medication would help me, but I also want to make sure that I take care of this issue as well so that I'm not reliant on the medication.

I've noticed that I have a hard time sounding how sad I am, if that makes sense. An example would be that one time I went into therapy. Typical cheery self(well as cheery as I can be. I'm a pretty "aloof" looking person haha.) and sat down with legs crossed. (therapist encourages I be as comfortable as possible.) and with a smiling, light tone I said, "Well I've been thinking about suicide a lot. I passed by a bridge and thought to myself that it wasn't high enough." I feel like my tone can give the wrong message if not taken seriously by simply the words.

I have a hard time being serious and making jokes helps me. I can only be somewhat deep and serious with one person and that person is the one struggling right now. I'm trying to not let my depression affect her, but I can't help but think that maybe if I had never shared my problems with her then maybe it would lessen the amount of stress she had or it would be one less thing for her to worry about. Or maybe if i never told her then it would be easier for me to hide my problems from her and treat her like how I treat other people. Letting them think I'm some happy go lucky person that doesn't have a care in the world.. I don't know.

 

[Iyllsa]

I believe you have an appointment with your therapist coming up, soon, @Iyllsa. Is that right?

Forgot to reply to this. Unfortunately my appointment ins't until Saturday. Feels so far away..

 

[Iyllsa]

I feel so tired of constantly crying and not being able to fall asleep before 1-2am. Right now all I want to do is sleep and not wake up. If there was a poison pill in front of me, I'd immediately start making a plan to make sure my friend has things taken cared of before I leave.

I want to be there for her and I don't want to leave her like this but I feel so depressed and tired and at the moment I just don't care. I feel bad that I don't because I do but at the same time I don't want to be alive right now. I'm so tired of everything. I don't know why things are becoming like this again and I don't know what to do.

 

[joeylittle]

I don't know why things are becoming like this again and I don't know what to do.

Do you think it would be possible for you to call your therapist and leave them a message, saying this?

 

[Iyllsa]

Do you think it would be possible for you to call your therapist and leave them a message, saying th...

I suppose I could. I just don't want to make it seem like it's some emergency.. I think she told me to only call if I think I'm going to harm myself or someone else. I didn't feel or even think about harming myself when I wrote that reply, but I felt a good amount of sadness. Maybe later today I will call or email but I'm not sure. I'm hesitant to call and I don't know why. I do get nervous making phone calls, but it's not that. Having to deliver not so positive news, I think.

 

[Iyllsa]

I feel so empty and I feel like I'm on the verge of dissociating. I'm not sure if I want to because although I know it'll give me a break from all this, I also lose a lot of time and I can't think straight. It's uncomfortable because I'm not me... but I also don't want to deal with all of this. I just want to fade out of existence..

 

[joeylittle]

I'm hesitant to call and I don't know why. I do get nervous making phone calls, but it's not that. Having to deliver not so positive news, I think.

I understand this. Try and not think of it as news, so much as a status update - which is what it is. As your care provider, your therapist can best serve you when they are up to speed with what's going on.

I also understand that you had a momentary thought about harming yourself, and it passed, and you are managing those thoughts right now. How about shooting your therapist an email, just describing what happened yesterday, letting them know that you are stable right now, but aren't sure what to expect from yourself. If you are feeling more depressed than usual - sometimes, those feelings can overtake us when we aren't ready for them. Giving her an update could be helpful for both you and her in navigating the next handful of days, til your appointment.

 

[Iyllsa]

I understand this. Try and not think of it as news, so much as a status update - which is what it i...

Right now I'm not feeling too well. I'm feeling pretty sad but also tired so I'm thinking I'll stay up and draw and force myself to become so exhausted I pass out before I start to cry.

Since I'm not feeling too well, I apologize in advance if I reply while not thinking so clearly.

That is a nice view on things and how to keep it in mind when telling my therapist what's going on. I will try to keep that in mind more often, thank you.

I am trying to stay busy. I am working and my job is something I love. It requires me to constantly be moving, walking outside, and focusing my energy on something else. It does improve my mood and it does take my mind off things most of the time, unless I'm feeling really sad. But then I'm left exhausted and back to square one. I can't keep myself distracted and moving like that. Sometimes I just want to sleep from exhaustion but then right before falling asleep or when I have quiet/alone time is when it all hits, which I know is normal.

I just wish I didn't have to deal with this.

Another thought that just hit me and it occurred to me a while ago. I think sometimes when I find a possible positive thought, say a song makes me have a pleasant memory.. I'd immediately stop it and not let myself experience it. I think it's because I feel like I can't feel happy when my friend isn't which I know isn't a good way of looking at it.

Last time my friend was feeling really sad, I dissociated to a level where I didn't exactly feel happy or content, but everything felt like it was clear and as if they were items on a desk rather than real events happening in my life. I felt separated from it, and from there, my mood was improved. Randomly I'd get hit with sadness, but then a few seconds after that I feel numbed out and then back to the sort of.. functioning dissociative like mindset I guess. Or whatever it is. I was glad I felt that because I saw that in order to help my friend I had to be thinking clearly and be "out of the pit" in order to help her out from it.

Though this time it seems like I'm unable to get to there. I was feeling depressed before my mindset shifted to that to help my friend so I think I just went back to my previous depressive mindset.. and now I feel like I can't let myself feel better. I don't know how to explain it. I think I'm still affected by my old friend who committed suicide. When I started to feel better or if I was having a good day, he would say he was happy for me but then appear sad. He would also confide in me and say stuff like, "I sometimes don't like talking to people who aren't depressed. They wouldn't understand what I'm going through, but you do because you are also depressed."

Later on when I got my break from depression, he didn't seem too happy about it. He seemed to have become more distant.. I knew I had to take care of myself, and then he went off and ran his truck into a pole. I strongly believe that what I'm experiencing now can be tied to that experience and not being fully past it, not forgiving myself.

My friend used to tell me that she thinks I never got the chance to fully grieve. I couldn't go to my friend's funeral because he was a million miles away. I just got a phone call from his family members of what happened..

Even though I wasn't there, I still get intrusive thoughts where I see him in his truck and dead, and I'm in the passenger seat looking at him, his dead eyes looking up at me with blood dripping from his head... it's so vivid and strong. I don't know what to think of it. I have an active/creative/vivid imagination and my intrusive thoughts are very vivid. At times when they get bad I get "trapped in them" as if they were happening where I am.

Usually when it gets to that point, I end up having a psychotic episode. My friend has spoken to me while I thought I was attending her funeral and she had to make sure I couldn't leave the house or had access to anything harmful because I talk a lot about how I wouldn't be able to handle her death.

I feel so guilty for putting that amount of stress on my friend.. she doesn't deserve that. I wish I could better manage these things so that she didn't have to and I wish I could go back in time and hide it all from her. I'm good at hiding these things and locking myself away.. I wish I never let her in.

I don't know. I'm just blabbering. Sorry.

 

[joeylittle]

Not blabbering. Writing helps. It all relieves pressure. Write as much as you'd like :)

 

[Iyllsa]

Not blabbering. Writing helps. It all relieves pressure. Write as much as you'd like :)

It will be my friend's birthday in a couple months so I'm trying to do a heck ton of drawings of paintings of her favorite animal and some quotes tagged along that I think she will like.. she always appreciates home made stuff and I never really made a true sketch or painting for her thinking my art is not that great.

The art will help me focus on something else while at the same time focusing on the future and hoping things will be better then... I don't know. I'm also really tired which is the best time for art, in my opinion.