Felt Contempt From My Usually Caring T.

[Solo_dance]

Hello, I'm new to posting here, but have gained much from reading various threads. I'd really appreciate any advice...
So here's my thing - I've been in therapy for about a year for childhood abuse that caused PTSD and attachment disorder. My therapist practices EMDR which has had a really powerful - and mostly positive effect on me. I'm about to move to another country and T. has suggested we continue over Skype. However, she's also acknowledged that she's become a kind of attachment/central figure in my life as I deal w PTSD. My birthday was the other day and I had this total break down (basically I was spending the day alone and my depression levels surged). I had one more scheduled appointment in person with T. before I leave so I mailed her on my birthday, explained how bad I was feeling and asked if I could see her perhaps earlier than our scheduled appointment. She wrote back - very empathically, saying I'm ealing w really big stuff and past trauma and it's all understandable and offered me to come see her yesterday. So... I get there and it was near the end of the day, and she just seemed really off. Like everything I had to say was irrupting her, or I should know better. I thought first maybe it's bc it's the end of the day, and she's tired, at one point I said perhaps I shouldn't have come. I don't recall what she replied to that. At one point she said on my birthday perhaps I 'just needed to have a catalyst type breakdown' and then quickly she said, 'sorry, perhaps I shouldn't have said it like that, it sounded a bit glib.' For the rest of the session, which I couldn't wait to end, she basically replied that I knew the answer to everything, and at one point (after I said something about my art not being a compensation for having no relationships) she said "some people have nothing at all" It was so strange. Her body language gave me the sense that she was trying her best to hide contempt... Every other time she's been really compassionate and one of the reasons I was in two minds about my impending move was breaking up this relationship. But after yesterday I don't even know if i want to go back to the next / last session. I guess the good thing is I know I don't need her. Because I'd been feeling quite dependent on the work we've been doing

Anyway, thanks for reading this long post, and if you have any advice or feedback that'd be great! Her demeanor yesterday made me wonder if all along she really dislikes me and thinks I should be getting over stuff a lot quicker/better... ?

 

[shimmerz]

You know, based on my past, I have learned that there are times I use the wrong word for the wrong thing. I am not saying that is the case here, but I am wondering if contempt is actually what was going on during your appointment. My T (whom I trusted to be honest with me), used to help me with my emotional vocabulary.

And honestly, one of the biggest lessons that I learned was that everyone else's reactions were not always about me. People have moods, deserve to have responses that differ from one day to another. I think at times that I was so 'in tune' with others moods because having this skill saved my life more than once.

I would suggest that you let him know what it felt like 'to you' and then see what he has to say and perhaps ask for an opinion on how you got to contempt. Just a suggestion. Not sure if that helps.

 

[Jnean]

I am all about being honest with my T. I don't know I think I would've taken that personally, we are not meeting with our T or paying our T to be friends with us. I think you should go back your one last session and say you felt. As far as Skyping, I wouldn't trust it but then again I haven't been able to do EMDR. It's not for everyone so I hear. That's neither here nor there, I think I would let my T know how I was feeling.

 

[scout86]

Her demeanor yesterday made me wonder if all along she really dislikes me and thinks I should be getting over stuff a lot quicker/better... ?

Been there, done that! And so, I think, have most of the members here. I don't know that it will make you feel any better, but this is so common a reaction that you could almost call it "normal".

I had a major incident about a year ago where my T had some stuff going on in his personal life and thought he had it "handled". But I could see something was wrong. And assumed it was my fault, because I was raised to think ALL problems were "my fault". I finally asked him about it. He was shocked and a bit appalled that he hadn't been covering things up as much as he thought he was, and REALLY sorry I'd been as worried about it as I was. He said that, when a person spends their childhood learning to survive by anticipating trouble, you can get pretty good at noticing problems but that doesn't mean you're interpretation is always going to be right. Next time I'm going to ask sooner!

If your T really disliked you, I doubt she'd have suggested continuing to work with you via Skype. And, there is no such thing as how fast you "should" be getting over stuff. You "should" make progress as fast as you can, but not faster.

 

[Solo_dance]

Thank you for these replies! It resonates w me - the idea of being very in tune, even hyper sensitive to people's moods. I will go back for the last session and discuss how it felt to me, and how I came to 'contempt' (yeah I see it's extreme), and assumed the obviously bad mood she was in, centered around me...

I also don't have much hope for long distance online EMDR. I feel like EMDR works for me, tho I've found it very traumatic in the initial aftermath. Probably bc I assume it won't work over Skype I'm figuring this is indeed the end of this therapeutic relationship. It's also possibly why or partially why I had that extreme reaction/conclusion. As a kind of twisted way of closure - i.e. it's okay this essential relationship is gone, bc she was 'contemptuous.' But yes I'll talk with her.

 

[Solo_dance]

Been there, done that! And so, I think, have most of the members here. I don't know that it will make yo...

This makes a lot of sense. And does actually make me feel better. That it's par for the course. I hadn't thought of it so clearly that it's bc of my childhood that i'm so sensitive to it, and programmed to think its my fault. Thank you:)