Relationship Fiancé Has Ptsd And Don't Know What To Do

[Futuremrs]

I love my fiancé and he has some great qualities, but I don't know what to do. I'm supposed to be planning my wedding and having the happiest time of my life. But I feel like he is going to leave me everyday and like I could be making a mistake. I love him with all my heart, but I really don't think I deserve to be treated the way he's treating me. I never had anxiety and now I have sleeping meds because I don't sleep and I've gained weight. I always feel like I'm walking on eggshells. He drank a lot tonight and this is the first time he's ever been mean towards me when he drinks (usually it's the only thing that helps), but he said he said I'm his problem. I'm not sure what to do. Everything I say makes him angry and even if I try to be quiet I still make him angry. My mom now thinks this is a losing battle and I should walk away. I love him and I want him to get help. He has meds he won't take and I understand that because they make him feel really groggy and out of it. I feel he at least needs to talk about it with someone that can help. I feel like I'm losing my mind:(

 

[Fadeaway]

My heart goes out to you, but I would not make such a huge commitment to someone who solves their problems by drinking. I would seriously delay the wedding until he gets help.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Weddings are stressful beyond stressful. I've gone through hell with my PTSD, but nothing else has physically knocked me for a loop and given me severe exhaustion like a wedding! Yes, the exhaustion was pretty bad, my docs did all sorts of tests b/c I felt so horrible, but they all came back negative. It took me over a month post wedding to feel better. And the kicker? It wasn't even my wedding, nor did I have a part in it! I was the sister of the bride and my only job was to show up and hold my stuff together. Ok, well sort of failed on that front, but at least I did it in private and didn't embarrass my sister.

So my point is that yes, weddings are extremely stressful. I can spot that "post wedding face" on people b/c its unmistakable. I'm not surprised that your fiance is irritable and drinking and snapping at you. How big is your wedding? Does it need to be that big? I know its supposed to be the happiest day of your life, blah blah blah, but sometimes we have to give up the big things for what we really want. I guess what I'm trying to say is is the whole shebang necessary?

If/when I ever get married, it will be a small, very laid back affair. Anything more and it could kill me.

 

[Futuremrs]

I actually was fine with just us 2. Then everyone was upset and wanted to be there so I guess it's getting bigger. I always wanted a small wedding. I know he needs to get help though because he is the worst I've ever seen him. I feel like he's spiraling out of control and I think we take a step forward but then we end up taking 2 steps back. He keeps saying he isn't ready to get help and he won't talk to anyone but me. I think he's just avoiding the hard situation because he doesn't like when people see him being vulnerable. He thinks it's a weakness. That's just what I think knowing him.

 

[Futuremrs]

It's ironic because he seems to want the bigger wedding now...but I feel like he thinks he wants things but he ends up freaking out when he gets it. If that makes sense?

 

[Wastinglight]

Hi @Futuremrs. My heart goes out to you. As others have already said, weddings are way stressful but it sounds like your guy is having trouble maintaining right now.I'd say postponing the wedding is probably a good idea.

If the meds he's been prescribed aren't working for him, he needs to talk to his doctor about trying something different. Sometimes you need to try a number of different meds before you find one that is right for you. Organising a wedding when changing meds is going to be even more stressful though.

My guy and I have talked about marriage and he's been very upfront about not wanting a big wedding - its just way too much stress for him.. I'm not that interested either - so we're pretty much decided that we're going to elope and avoid the stress. My family will be disappointed but they will understand. Probably.

 

[Futuremrs]

Honestly, I would like to elope. He doesn't really want a small wedding. Even though it's stressing him out...he doesn't really understand why or how things affect him. He's just been diagnosed with PTSD and he was in denial for a long time.

He just doesn't want to be all drugged up. He finally opened his mind to taking some meds and they didn't work. So we're back to square one in the meds. I might have to give him an ultimatum though. Because he needs help. It's just getting worse and worse. He can't just keep getting mad at me for everything and then saying sorry and he loves me. It isn't fair to me and it's affecting our relationship because I feel myself distancing myself.

He won't tell anyone what's going on either so that doesn't really help anything. No one understands what's going on because they don't know. Even if they did know they might not understand but at least they would know what's going on.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I think that delaying the wedding is your best bet. I don't think you should commit your life to someone unless they're committed to healing. I didn't realize he was the one who wanted a large affair.

 

[Futuremrs]

Yeah, we're going to the VA today to get him registered. Then hopefully his appointment Friday goes better. I think after yesterday and last night he realized he needs help. At least he said he would get help. I kinda feel like I should say that, but he just gets so upset and he already tells me I should leave him and asks me if I still love him and says he knows he's hard to deal with. It breaks my heart because I do love him, but he just doesn't understand the other side of it.

He has a big family so he feels obligated to invite them I think. I don't. I just have my parents, my brother and grandparents.