Relationship Fiance with complex ptsd left me

[M21_=]

Hello. I am posting here in the hopes that maybe I could receive some support for my situation, and maybe so that I can better understand it myself.

My (now ex) fiance has complex PTSD. I supported him through his feelings and encouraged him to seek help, and was there for him when he was ultimately diagnosed with the complex PTSD. I tried my best to deal with the problems his complex PTSD caused in our relationship and I loved him unconditionally. He moved across the country to be with me, and he proposed to me only 3 months ago. It was the happiest moment of my life. Wedding booked and paid for.

We properly broke up a couple of weeks ago and I have been completely devastated since. I have some issues myself and our break up has very much triggered these issues.
Initially I left him, but in all honesty it was not a real break up. As in, I text him saying I didn't mean it the next day and that it was an emotional reaction to our arguments. We briefly reconciled, but things were still very tense. Then one morning he left me- told me he loves me but it's not working and he doesn't want to try anymore.

In the past two weeks he has switched between telling me he loves me and that he doesn't. But even when he says he loves me still he has been adamant that there is no hope for a reconciliation. He is very cold towards me now, to the extent where sometimes he is just plain cruel. I feel like the person who I love has died. Throughout our relationship it has been evident that he loved the bones of me, but he has always had this double personality almost where he switches off and becomes... different, but he'd snap out of it quickly. I feel as though he is stuck in this dissociative mode and he is lost to me now.

In trying to understand our break up I have tried to make excuses in my head for him because of his PTSD. I guess I am trying to assure myself that it's not my fault.
Upon some reflection, I realised that he hasn't spoken to his family in months. He used to always answer the phone to his mum and would be so happy to speak to her, but he slowly started to ignore her calls. I would always say to him he should call his mum as she will miss him, and he would always say he would do it then never would. I realise he's withdrawn from the people who love him the most, and maybe I'm the last person he has withdrawn from.

I have tried to bring up his PTSD since the break up but he just dismissed it straight away and said he is completely fine.

Am I being delusional about this situation and his complex PTSD has played no part in his actions?

 

[Sweetpea76]

It may have played a part and it may not have. It's quite a common supporter trap to blame everything on the PTSD. Break ups suck, and a lot of time we desperately look for answers "why".

Initially I left him, but in all honesty it was not a real break up.

One thing I will say is that relationship drama like this does not work with PTSD sufferers. It's a big fat no-go. If you do something like this you have to be 100% sure you mean it, because there may be no going back. A lot of sufferers have trust issues already. They may go into self preservation mode to protect their feelings. Not to mention the huge stress response a break up causes... and that's before you take a broken stress response into consideration.

 

[anon1234]

If you do something like this you have to be 100% sure you mean it, because there may be no going back

^^ This

 

[Justmehere]

I’m sorry this all didn’t work out. Having to call off a wedding is a painful thing to do, even when it’s the right thing to do.

I wouldn’t keep trying to bring up PTSD with him after the breakup. Take space instead and let him take care of himself.

As a sufferer myself, if I break up with someone and they try to say to me that I broke up with them because of my mental illness... as a sufferer, this doesn’t really motivate me to reconnect. It would feel invalidating to me of whatever concerns or reasons I had to break up with them. Even if there were things that happened due to PTSD, I’d shut down to them more if they kept trying to talk to me about it right after calling off a wedding. It would be too much:

It sounds like you both got into a pattern of reacting to each other. If someone ended the relationship with me as a reaction to an argument, we wouldn’t work out. I wouldn’t stop caring about them, but it would be a sign to me that we wouldn’t likely fit well over the long haul. It’s really hard to be steady in some PTSD relationships. Take this as a chance to take some space and re-group and learn from this experience. You mentioned that some of your own stuff was stirred up by this loss - this could be a good chance to work through some of those things and to begin to find someone who is a better fit for the long haul. :hug:

 

[M21_=]

It may have played a part and it may not have. It's quite a common supporter trap to blame everythin...

Thank you for all your comments.

I want to know if there's anything I could do if I want to reconcile with him, which I do. I love him deeply still in spite of all the hurtful things he has said and done since we broke up.

For more context, I've seen him several times since we broke up. Some of these times have been myself collecting my things from the flat. We have slept together more than once since we broke up. We also spent an entire day together on Easter Sunday which we planned two days before. We both had an amazing day together and it was very much like how we were together when we first met. It was the most fun we've probably had in a long time as we've both been very busy in the months between getting engaged and our break up and honestly we just couldn't spend much time together.
I didn't let myself get my hopes up for a reconciliation, but we had both made it clear we thought it was a step in the right direction. However, from the next day onwards he was back to being the cold, distant person who becomes extremely angry out of nowhere and is adamant we're not going to be together.

I just really struggle to understand things from his perspective. He's said to my several times I broke his heart by walking away that day and that he is still heartbroken. But from my perspective he is just cruel towards me and seems to be dealing with the break up just fine and living his life happily.

We're going on holiday together in 12 days. We decided to still go on the holiday we had booked as its paid for and we were excited for it. I keep thinking maybe we could reconnect on holiday together, but I don't want to have any expectations and hurt myself even more.

 

[M21_=]

Any thoughts?

 

[Freida]

One thing I will say is that relationship drama like this does not work with PTSD sufferers. It's a big fat no-go. If you do something like this you have to be 100% sure you mean it, because there may be no going back. A lot of sufferers have trust issues already.

go back and re-read this.
If someone breaks up with me on a whim they are pretty much dead to me. It doesn't matter how much they meant to me or how good our relationship was. They walk out? I walk on. Why? Because that's how I'm wired. EVERYTHING comes with some kind of threat. EVERYTHING. If hubby walked out after an argument I would go straight into flight or fight mode, especially if I was symptomatic or under stress (like trying to deal with a wedding/engagement, etc.) Since I'm a runner rather than a fighter by the time he came back I'd be gone. Even he was only gone a day. I have zero trust in people - even those who love me.

Initially I left him, but in all honesty it was not a real break up

You left. It's a break up.

He's said to my several times I broke his heart by walking away that day and that he is still heartbroken. But from my perspective he is just cruel towards me and seems to be dealing with the break up just fine and living his life happily.

I think you are looking at "broke his heart" from the standpoint of a normal person. From where I live? Someone I trusted and loved got mad at something I said or did and bailed on me. I can no longer trust them to have my back. For some (like me) ptsd revolves around safety. I very rarely feel safe, so I do everything in my power to make sure my environment doesn't come with any unexpected surprises. Including hubby. If he suddenly walked out the door? yep - he is no longer safe for me. He will abandon me. He will turn his back on me and leave me to the wolves. (I can walk out --- he can't)

Is he truly ok with the break up? Nope - not based on how he is treating you. Is he pretending to the world? Probably. Facade is all important to me. I can kick someone to the curb and not show any indication I am feeling anything about it. Hell - I may not be feeling anything. And I know that totally trips up supporters. But its just the way it works.

However, from the next day onwards he was back to being the cold, distant person who becomes extremely angry out of nowhere and is adamant we're not going to be together.

yep -- because you have become a threat and he is probably angry that he had to put you into that category. And I'm also going to guess that he is beating himself up for being stupid enough to trust someone. I know that is where I would be.

How do you get him back? I don't know.
If you are going to be on vacation together be prepared for him to have mixed reactions to you. Don't push. Don't ask. Don't expect.

 

[LuckiLee]

Everything Freida says is true.

My take on the situation is this... His stress is overloaded. A move across the country. Engagement. Wedding. Finances. Family. Relationship. Romance.

His stress cup was bound to overflow. And you broke up with him when it did. Ouch!

Good luck on your vacation. J and I have a hell of a time traveling together even when we're getting along. It's more stress. Like @Freida said, don't push, don't ask, don't expect. As a supporter I have to deal with that alot! If you're not up for that? That's okay too. But I would decide now because this is a PTSD relationship. Our needs get pushed to the back burner sometimes. I'm okay with that (usually) because I know he loves me and is there for me when I really need him. We're a team. Learning the rules as we go.

Read around the supporters forums, there's alot of reality there. Best of luck in your journey.

XO

 

[LuckiLee]

On* your journey.

 

[EveHarrington]

The yo-yo.....

He still keeps you around because he looks back on the good times and it hurts like fcuk to lose that.

He gets close.

He feels unsafe because you broke his heart!

He pulls away.

He starts to remember and miss the good times again....

Rinse and repeat.

I hate to say this, but the unsafe feeling always wins. Hands down, always wins.

You broke his heart.

You are therefore unsafe.

 

[AprilMel_]

Hi guys,

Thanks for your comments, even though they do make me feel like a crappy person.

In the past couple of days he has told me that he can literally switch off his feelings for me. That he can switch off his love for me in order to do what he has to do.

I wish I could be the type of person to do that (without the PTSD part). I want to switch off my feelings for him. I'm thinking it's best to not try and contact him until the holiday? It's 10 days away.

 

[Freida]

even though they do make me feel like a crappy person.

You're not a crappy person --- you are a good person who is learning the hard way about a crappy disease. Sadly that's how most of us learn about it - sufferers and supporters alike

I wish I could be the type of person to do that (without the PTSD part).

While it sounds like a great thing --- it's really not quite as simple as that. Shutting off feelings is a form of shutting down. It requires a tremendous amount of energy and is usually brought on when I'm in a panic state. It's a survival instinct to keep me hyper focused on what is going on around me without worrying about the risks. And it is hard to come out of once it is done. Then you still have to deal with the feelings when you switch back "on". They don't go away - they are just kind of shunted to a dead spot in my heart.

This might help --- think of ptsd sufferers like feral cats. They aren't going to come to you, but they are interested in what you offer. Toss them out a few bits of kibble and they might take a step closer. keep that up long enough and you might be able to pet them -- but you will never make them into house cats. And the first time they are startled they will run off... Then you have to start all over again...