Fighting Stoicism Towards Friends In Crisis?

[Kintsugi]

You haven't said if you've had time to process your own feelings .

No, but it's going to have to get in line behind everything else.

And is this friend available for you also

Yes and no. She's available. I'm not available. I deal with my most intense emotions in solitude or, to a lesser extent, here.

 

[ladee]

I get it about dealing with my own stuff in solitude or here.
But am at the same place you are with a friend. Not saying this is your friend...but my friend is always in crisis mode. And in this case I am starting to see her as an emotional vampire.
An hour long conversation the other day about her microwave breaking!!
Tan I was pretty non caring by the time I got her off the phone.

So if nothing else...I do understand.
Gentle hugs.

 

[ladee]

I am really hating not having a edit feature.
Sorry for autocorrect being evil with a mind of it's own.

 

[Kintsugi]

That's sort of the thing about it, @ladee. She is the most low-maintenance friend I've ever had while still being such a close one. Typically her emotional upheavals only last a day or two, and they're easily recovered from. Add to that, she isn't easily brought to a boil emotionally (as in, broken microwaves are as inconsequential to her as me). The only times a more trivial pitfall will bring her to crisis is when there's a major backlog of actual crises in her life that she's swept aside without addressing properly.

Unfortunately, I think she's reached a major breaking point. She recently went through a Crit A level trauma, and she has so much ambient stress--to say nothing of other major life tribulations this past year and even less of her traumatic upbringing--that I think this long spell she's having is indicative that she needs actual help.

Thanks to aforementioned Crit A trauma, she has a T, but her T is a f*cking fruitcake. Sorry, she is. I wouldn't see her T if her T paid me to do so. As for my T, my school schedule was rearranged this past week, so I'm going to have to negotiate a new session time, which is sort of stressing me out, because for two years I've seen her twice monthly on the same day at the same time, and I have built my life around that certainty.

It's difficult to hold a friend at arm's length for your own good when that friend would move heaven and earth to be there for you, but the enigma of that is that I'd never be so emotionally demanding. It is enough for me to have a best friend who is willing to be shut out of my life for weeks--occasionally a couple of months--at a time so I can deal with my emotions alone, knowing she will be there and without judgement when I suddenly decide I want to rejoin the world.

Do you see the conundrum? She offers me quite a lot in the way of a supportive friendship, so I'd like to offer the same in reciprocation, but it isn't the same at all, because my version of needing support is needing space without being judged for that.

Forum Simon would say: I understand you're extremely low, and I really hear that, but I can see that I am unequipped for the level of crisis you've reached, and I encourage you to seek further professional support from your healthcare team.

That doesn't sound like a friend. Sounds like a f*cking guidance counselor.

 

[scout86]

What about this? Since she's a friend, can you have this 'here's what's going on/how do we handle it?' conversation with HER? I realize the answer might be "no", but that's exactly the kind of thing I frequently don't think of.

Having suggested that, I'll add that I've only had a couple friends in my whole life I thought I could, successfully, do that with. But my T has suggested that MIGHT have more to do with how I perceive things than with the actual reality.

 

[joeylittle]

I just have two observations.

One, it does sound like your friend needs to fix her therapy situation. And telling her this:

Unfortunately, I think she's reached a major breaking point. She recently went through a Crit A level trauma, and she has so much ambient stress--to say nothing of other major life tribulations this past year and even less of her traumatic upbringing--that I think this long spell she's having is indicative that she needs actual help. Thanks to aforementioned Crit A trauma, she has a T, but her T is a f*cking fruitcake. Sorry, she is. I wouldn't see her T if her T paid me to do so.

Isn't being a guidance counselor - that is definitely being a friend who also happens to have the experience and knowledge to back up this analysis. It's not at all the same as saying "I can't help you" - or the same as being Forum Simon:

Forum Simon would say: I understand you're extremely low, and I really hear that, but I can see that I am unequipped for the level of crisis you've reached, and I encourage you to seek further professional support from your healthcare team.

Because yes, I see how that would just feel lame.

So I'd encourage you to really level with her about what you are seeing, and the degree of help that she needs.

Two - speaking for myself, when I'm really suffering/struggling, I have a hard time expressing it to real-life people because I do not want them to take on the burden of being my therapist, or trying to fix me. And I also don't want them to feel bad themselves, or show me that they care. They are literally showing me that they care by just letting me lose it in front of a human who doesn't also lose it. It can release the pressure. I only wanted to share that, so you know that emotional distance on your part is not necessarily a bad thing, when listening to someone who is in crisis. It's not a bad thing for someone NOT suffering from PTSD, either.

BUT: altogether, it sounds like you know your friend needs a therapist who can step up to the plate - and you also know that you can't fill that gap for them that is being created by their not-good therapist. If you feel like you can, the best thing you could do is tell her she needs to seriously up her level of care, point her nose at some inpatient programs, maybe brainstorm about ways to get other referrals...and see what happens after that.

 

[Nessa7]

When I can't feel, I do. I bake, and I cook. I'll volunteer to take care of something or tag along somewhere. If there is a movie they mentioned wanting to see, I rent it. I've known my best friend for a very long time, so I'll get something from our childhood for us, like a board game or movie we always used to watch. I splurge at a restaurant that she likes. I print out some pictures of her dog.

 

[Rani G2]

but the enigma of that is that I'd never be so emotionally demanding. It is enough for me to have a best friend who is willing to be shut out of my life for weeks--occasionally a couple of months--at a time so I can deal with my emotions alone,

When I read this, I remember going through a long stadium of “strength Grund lies in fighting alone“ kind of a thing. My idealization of isolation is still slightly there, and at the same time I have a urge to go to someone and say, “look this is how I feel and lay my inner soul viscerals“ infront of them. I dont, because a part of me strictly avoids that.

I always admired those who didnt speak about their misery, they'd say, I am not Ok. Thats it.

Sorry, I think this is sabotaging your thread to write about me.

 

[The Albatross]

Agree with Joey about honesty not sounding like "Forum Simon" or a guidance counselor - Isn't being a guidance counselor - that is definitely being a friend who also happens to have the experience and knowledge to back up this analysis. It's not at all the same as saying "I can't help you" - or the same as being Forum Simon". It isn't. It is candid frankness of a friend... and for myself, sometimes I needed to hear that to realize and decide what actions to take. I did have a couple friends that have done that/we had to have the conversation.

On the flip side, I've also had to say it as well. It didn't mean I didn't care, or wasn't their friend... it just meant that I had to scale back some and put some boundaries up to take care of myself. I really understand and have been on both sides of "I worry that being my pragmatic, very forum-style Simon while emotions are high might be too cold a response." But with some forethought, and the right opportunity, with some candid openness about how this is affecting you as well at this time Simon it is a conversation worth having.

It doesn't mean you're abandoning, it means you're aware of how this is personally affecting you and you need to take some time to settle things for yourself.

 

[The Albatross]

P.S. I do like and have used Nessa's suggestions as a way to show caring and empathy in lieu of highly charged, emotionally dicey situations. Mostly successfully.

 

[Kintsugi]

I just wanted to update this thread to say that I essentially solved this issue shortly after this thread was made. I shut down for a couple of days, processed, thought over the responses here, and I came to the conclusion that being authentically straightforward--while not invoking my forum mod side of addressing emotionality--was in fact what I had to offer, and I also formulated some boundaries around how much of myself to give in this situation.

I wound up stopping by to check on my friend in ten-minute intervals or so, something I kept up with every 1-3 days as seemed prudent, which allowed me to be physically and emotionally present in bite-sized portions I could handle but which still showed my ongoing desire to be a supportive agent in my friend's tumultuous life. This worked really well, and it allowed me to give honest feedback without us going around in irritating circles as so often happens when one is trying to help a depressed person address their underlying situation(s).

Anyway, I just thought I'd drop a line in case someone else has a similar situation in the future. Thanks for all the feedback. :)