MountainKing
New Here
I'm now 21, So I guess I should be thankful for that seeing how old some of you got before you were properly diagnosed. All the same I feel very upset, sometimes very angry thinking of all the things in life i've missed out on, being a large portion of my childhood and even now, because of my long traumatic childhood, and the anxiety, isolation, shame, helplessness, and guilt that followed.
Even now I feel a prisoner in my own home. My mom while 50% of the time acting understanding and gentle, even babying me unnecessarily and frustratingly out of her own feelings of guilt, at the other times is completely emotionally abusive and takes out rage on me. Criticizing me in every way, comparing me to my father who is responsible almost all of the trauma directly or indirectly. Often times accusing me of lying about having PTSD and making totally inaccurate comparisons and saying she has been through worse, not realizing she is clearly as psychologically damaged as I am, while pretending she is recovered. Meanwhile my father plays the victim and blocks what he did to our family out of his mind and uses his role as the breadwinner to force us to try to appease him, all the while we have to hide that we are all still very hurt because he simply doesn't acknowledge it. Both of my parents hold me to the same expectations as the rich kids with stable homes and compare their lives to mine when they grew up in the 50's and 60's and lived vastly different lives, not even in the same countries.
I feel very alone and misunderstood as a result and as if I didn't feel alien enough from all the people my age, even my family does not provide me that comfort. Lucky for me I do have one sister who understands me fairly well, and a few friends who somewhat understand me or try to the best they can. All the same, I still feel very much a sense that I am different from the people around me and feel a distinct barrier.
I guess, this all sounds rather vague. I guess I just want to say, i'm a student, struggling to go to college between the anxiety, panic attacks, stress, fatigue, hypervigilance, and so on. Dealing with a very dysfunctional family who've all been rather traumatized, simultaneously being guilt tripped and manipulated by a father who refuses to acknowledge or think about what he has done. All the while balancing financial problems and living in a ghetto, noisy part of a dead end town where I feel very much an alien, especially now that my good friends have moved away to better places.
My counselors make scant visible progress but provide some comfort and insight, my psychiatrists jerk me around, not prescribing me anything for my panic attacks because I smoke marijauna in my free time, but freely giving me things like seroquel without much thought. I suffer panic attacks meanwhile and feel very stressed because I cannot complete my duties as a student and fear I will be dropped from my classes, which is even tougher on me because I have to take up slack when my father refuses to help the family out of greed and paranoia, and school is my main source of income. My mother has a work injury and is awaiting surgery and is currently on disability. And my town has little to no jobs, but I know I wouldn't even be able to handle one if I can't handle school as it is.
So, I hope I can find some good advice and make some progress with this group, because I feel like i'm getting nowhere.
Even now I feel a prisoner in my own home. My mom while 50% of the time acting understanding and gentle, even babying me unnecessarily and frustratingly out of her own feelings of guilt, at the other times is completely emotionally abusive and takes out rage on me. Criticizing me in every way, comparing me to my father who is responsible almost all of the trauma directly or indirectly. Often times accusing me of lying about having PTSD and making totally inaccurate comparisons and saying she has been through worse, not realizing she is clearly as psychologically damaged as I am, while pretending she is recovered. Meanwhile my father plays the victim and blocks what he did to our family out of his mind and uses his role as the breadwinner to force us to try to appease him, all the while we have to hide that we are all still very hurt because he simply doesn't acknowledge it. Both of my parents hold me to the same expectations as the rich kids with stable homes and compare their lives to mine when they grew up in the 50's and 60's and lived vastly different lives, not even in the same countries.
I feel very alone and misunderstood as a result and as if I didn't feel alien enough from all the people my age, even my family does not provide me that comfort. Lucky for me I do have one sister who understands me fairly well, and a few friends who somewhat understand me or try to the best they can. All the same, I still feel very much a sense that I am different from the people around me and feel a distinct barrier.
I guess, this all sounds rather vague. I guess I just want to say, i'm a student, struggling to go to college between the anxiety, panic attacks, stress, fatigue, hypervigilance, and so on. Dealing with a very dysfunctional family who've all been rather traumatized, simultaneously being guilt tripped and manipulated by a father who refuses to acknowledge or think about what he has done. All the while balancing financial problems and living in a ghetto, noisy part of a dead end town where I feel very much an alien, especially now that my good friends have moved away to better places.
My counselors make scant visible progress but provide some comfort and insight, my psychiatrists jerk me around, not prescribing me anything for my panic attacks because I smoke marijauna in my free time, but freely giving me things like seroquel without much thought. I suffer panic attacks meanwhile and feel very stressed because I cannot complete my duties as a student and fear I will be dropped from my classes, which is even tougher on me because I have to take up slack when my father refuses to help the family out of greed and paranoia, and school is my main source of income. My mother has a work injury and is awaiting surgery and is currently on disability. And my town has little to no jobs, but I know I wouldn't even be able to handle one if I can't handle school as it is.
So, I hope I can find some good advice and make some progress with this group, because I feel like i'm getting nowhere.
