Finally Divorce, Or The First Step In That Direction...and Why Is It Bothering Me?

[CabraVerde]

I talked to him on the phone, and he said that if I send him something that makes sense, he will sign it. He also told me that he had problems before about the vagueness of my requests, which I do understand. I told him that I love him, and he told me that he loves me too, and I do understand. Two PTSD people together, and it's such a mess, really. We are both so paranoid about each other, and I really have to wonder...how many more years will this take, before we can finally trust each other?
Like old people? I have no desire to be with anyone else, and I don't think that he wants to be with anyone else either. When he said that he loves me, his voice broke...just like mine did.
But yeah, I am not always coherent in my requests. I want him to understand me, without me having to speak the total words. I guess that this isn't a good tactic with most men, and certainly not with my husband.
Yes, I broke down in the lawyer's office about the question of love, because yes, I do still love my husband. Maybe I am wrong, but I don't want another.

 

[CabraVerde]

I know what it's like to be abused, and I have always thought, "How would I like to be treated by others?" I promised him, to be his family, and it would be so wrong of me, to let him go. I know that I might die in this equation, but I would be more wrong in abandoning him. I can't do that. You live for something and/or someone, and I am choosing to live for him. Just....I know that feeling...for me to give up on him, is to likewise give up on myself. I am sure that a lot of people gave up on me, didn't think that I was worth their time, etc., so yes, when it's the worst, you try to be to others as you would want to be received yourself. He was sexually abused too, like me...and we are drawn together to finish this story somehow.

I did tell him that on the phone, "I love you, and I hate you..." and I started crying. That's honest for me. I was crying, and he said, "I understand."

 

[Marie E.]

You are not Wrong for Loving somebody!