I have finally reached rock bottom in my life. After a couple of years of complete misery, flashbacks, panic attacks, blackouts, numerous sessions with a therapist, Psychiatrist I just don't know what to do with myself.
All I did was fall down a flight of stairs at work and since I have battled to come to terms with the disturbing thoughts of the effect this has had and could have had on my children and family.
Before my accident, I was superman - I felt strong, invincible, indestructible - like a real life superhero to my kids. I enjoyed life, had a good job, great family life, no real worries and we had planned to make new life in New Zealand with our two boys.
Now, I worry about everything, am anxious about stairs, think overly too much about everything. I have been so self-absorbed in my own problems and trying to sort my own head out I've neglected my family - the most important part of my life. I knew things were hard on my family, the mood swings, the outbursts, the anger, the tears - I was often very short with my kids, was totally emotionless to my partner who I've been with for 20 years. I felt this was happening but felt powerless to do anything about it.
I slowly became paranoid about everything - at work, at home. My private health records were being used in reports where I work for no good reason, people in my office seemed to know all about my personal problems, personal notes left about me in the office by my manager. I became paranoid my partner was cheating on me. Everything in my life became so bad.
I was eventually dismissed from my job due to incapacity through ill health. I initially fought this as it didn't seem right, but then felt I just needed to move on in my life as I had my accident where I worked and the stairs where I had my accident were making it impossible to continue working without feeling highly intense symptoms of anxiety, panic, dread, anger, upset...it did my head in. Despite the stairs being repaired there were still problems with them but no-one seemed to want to listen - it was like they had got fed up with me whinging.
Immediately after I left, in a weird way I felt better. I had begun work with an agency and despite earning less money, felt better in myself, but still lacked confidence and did not believe I was capable in doing the work I used to again. Slowly this has become better and I was starting to feel like getting back to this and piecing my life back together bit by bit. I thought about marrying my long term partner of 20 years as I wanted to express my sincere gratitude for sticking by me despite everything. My focus shifted from work to family life and I began to cherish every minute with my children whom I almost lost when I fell down the stairs and afterwards coming to terms with it all.
After years of massive ups and downs in my life, touching the lowest levels of despair and thoughts of suicide (only stopping as I didn't want to leave my children - they were the one thing stopping me) I felt it was time to try and focus on them all and make amends for the suffering I've put them through.
Last week, I stumbled across a chat conversation on Facebook my partner was having with a male work colleague. She was being highly explicit sexually with him and his replies were the same. She has been spending a lot of time in the gym and has started coming back home late from work. It is all adding up now, but it took me to stumble across it purely by chance when restarting the laptop that I have found out.
I am devastated and feel numb. I can't even feel angry, as I kind of feel it's my fault. All those months of neglect, showing no emotion, distancing myself, focussing on me and my problems. Can I really blame her for straying and finding fulfilment elsewhere?? I am struggling to come to terms that this could be the end for us, but much more worryingly I am worried sick about the effect this will have on my children who are only 3 and 5.
I have confronted her about this and she has told me I have become a different person and one she doesn't know anymor. There was no apology - it was almost like I should have expected it to have happened.
I simply do not know what to do. I feel like a rabbit in headlights - stunned, unable to move, think or do anything. I feel it's all my fault. But then I feel it's not and get angry.
Life is shit.
Just as I get things back on track, realise for myself all of the crap I've been putting my family through - the emotional neglect, my problems....then this happens.
I just don't know what to do - the past week I've gone through feelings of suicide, just running away...I've just had enough now. Just had enough of this shit. I feel alone, like I can't talk to anyone about it as it's my fault, or is it??? How do I even start dealing with this???? How?
All I did was fall down a flight of stairs at work and since I have battled to come to terms with the disturbing thoughts of the effect this has had and could have had on my children and family.
Before my accident, I was superman - I felt strong, invincible, indestructible - like a real life superhero to my kids. I enjoyed life, had a good job, great family life, no real worries and we had planned to make new life in New Zealand with our two boys.
Now, I worry about everything, am anxious about stairs, think overly too much about everything. I have been so self-absorbed in my own problems and trying to sort my own head out I've neglected my family - the most important part of my life. I knew things were hard on my family, the mood swings, the outbursts, the anger, the tears - I was often very short with my kids, was totally emotionless to my partner who I've been with for 20 years. I felt this was happening but felt powerless to do anything about it.
I slowly became paranoid about everything - at work, at home. My private health records were being used in reports where I work for no good reason, people in my office seemed to know all about my personal problems, personal notes left about me in the office by my manager. I became paranoid my partner was cheating on me. Everything in my life became so bad.
I was eventually dismissed from my job due to incapacity through ill health. I initially fought this as it didn't seem right, but then felt I just needed to move on in my life as I had my accident where I worked and the stairs where I had my accident were making it impossible to continue working without feeling highly intense symptoms of anxiety, panic, dread, anger, upset...it did my head in. Despite the stairs being repaired there were still problems with them but no-one seemed to want to listen - it was like they had got fed up with me whinging.
Immediately after I left, in a weird way I felt better. I had begun work with an agency and despite earning less money, felt better in myself, but still lacked confidence and did not believe I was capable in doing the work I used to again. Slowly this has become better and I was starting to feel like getting back to this and piecing my life back together bit by bit. I thought about marrying my long term partner of 20 years as I wanted to express my sincere gratitude for sticking by me despite everything. My focus shifted from work to family life and I began to cherish every minute with my children whom I almost lost when I fell down the stairs and afterwards coming to terms with it all.
After years of massive ups and downs in my life, touching the lowest levels of despair and thoughts of suicide (only stopping as I didn't want to leave my children - they were the one thing stopping me) I felt it was time to try and focus on them all and make amends for the suffering I've put them through.
Last week, I stumbled across a chat conversation on Facebook my partner was having with a male work colleague. She was being highly explicit sexually with him and his replies were the same. She has been spending a lot of time in the gym and has started coming back home late from work. It is all adding up now, but it took me to stumble across it purely by chance when restarting the laptop that I have found out.
I am devastated and feel numb. I can't even feel angry, as I kind of feel it's my fault. All those months of neglect, showing no emotion, distancing myself, focussing on me and my problems. Can I really blame her for straying and finding fulfilment elsewhere?? I am struggling to come to terms that this could be the end for us, but much more worryingly I am worried sick about the effect this will have on my children who are only 3 and 5.
I have confronted her about this and she has told me I have become a different person and one she doesn't know anymor. There was no apology - it was almost like I should have expected it to have happened.
I simply do not know what to do. I feel like a rabbit in headlights - stunned, unable to move, think or do anything. I feel it's all my fault. But then I feel it's not and get angry.
Life is shit.
Just as I get things back on track, realise for myself all of the crap I've been putting my family through - the emotional neglect, my problems....then this happens.
I just don't know what to do - the past week I've gone through feelings of suicide, just running away...I've just had enough now. Just had enough of this shit. I feel alone, like I can't talk to anyone about it as it's my fault, or is it??? How do I even start dealing with this???? How?
