Financial abuse

[mamachick]

My husband is pretty generous with me. It was my birthday last week and he bought me nice boots. My dog ate my favorite sweater and he replaced it. He makes a good living and puts everything on a credit card and pays it monthly. He pays all the bills. Today we went Christmas shopping and bought his mother a nice sweater. While he was paying, I said I was going to look at bra's because none of mine fit since I gained wait. At this upscale store, the clerk offered to fit me and I tried to get out of it. Eventually she did and I found a couple that fit well. When she asked if I was going to take them, I kind of shrunk....this is when I find myself wiggling and sometimes lying out of embarrassment. I didn't this time....I said I had to ask my husband if I he would buy them for me. He did. He writes our kids checks for christmas but I have a daughter and her family from a previous marriage and worry and struggle with that. Also, its hard to find money to even buy him something without his permission.

I don't have any credit cards and often little in my account. I get disability but have to pay for therapy, meds, some food, massage that dr ordered, many other misc. things. I had the opportunity to take a job on weekends but he does not want me working weekends. Once my car blew a tire and the towing co charged $350 to get it on a flat bed in the rain but luckily he was with me as I had no money.

A friend told me this is financial abuse and I googled it. There are many criteria that fit.
1. He controls all the money
2. Denies me direct access to bank accounts
3. Gives me an allowance
4. Force you to write bad checks or fraudulent tax returns
5.Gives you presents or pays for something but expects something in return(sometimes)

I use to handle all the bills when our kids were growing up and he made much less and expenses were much more. Now that there is extra money, I don't see it. Yet I gladly handed it over years ago and am grateful because he is a better saver. I also have a head injury and am afraid of messing bills up.

Tonight I told him I would like to have a few hundred dollars in my account in case my car breaks down or I have an emergency. I do not use credit cards and don't want to. He shares a credit card with his mother. (thats likely another issue) He told me no, and said that he is stingy with money. I explained that I am grateful for all he does and that he is generous but I feel bad not knowing how to buy my daughter and granddaughter or anyone else christmas presents, am embarrassed to tell the sales clerk that I have to ask my husband if I can have 2 bras. (Yet stating the truth was somehow empowering, because it should not be "shame on me", Im sure she thought "shame on him". We have had the discussion before, usually after I end up depressed and then he says, well you have to ask me if you need something. This is a 31 year marriage by the way. I also give to charities which is something he never does. When I worked, I was able to pick a child off the tree to buy presents for.

Obviously, I know the money is a symptom of much bigger things. This arrangement has been making me feel like a child for years now. I have actually become more irresponsible with money. I am attending Adult Child of Alcoholics for about 3 years now. I guess I have come to believe that I don't deserve equal rights here.

 

[Deleted member 29920]

he does not want me working weekends

You can count that as number 6 on your list - you have the right to work whenever you want, he's denying you that. That's also financial abuse.

I'm unsure about in America, but here in the UK, financial abuse is also part of domestic abuse:

Financial abuse - Womens Aid
What is domestic abuse? - Womens Aid

They also call it domestic abuse here instead of domestic violence because they now recognise you don't need to be being battered to be experiencing abuse.

The way you have to ask him for money, that is how some married couples used to live...like way back in the 1970s, it's shocking and is definitely financial abuse.

I take it you mean he sometimes expects sex in return? If so, that's also abusive.

I was being financially abused by my ex for about 8 years and it is one of the reasons I left because she refused to let me have any control whatsoever over my finances. I now have complete control and it feels great. I was also being emotionally, psychologically and sometimes physically abused by her.

I'm unsure how you're going to get back control whilst still remaining married to him (if that's what you want) because you've asked him and he seems quite adamant that he's not going to let you have money without asking? Have you told your therapist this is going on?

 

[mamachick]

LilLynks-you are right about #6 but its a little complicated. Because of medical problems and disability, I can't earn over a certain amount. A couple years ago, I went on an interview but they really wanted someone full time. They said if I was willing to work weekends only, and every weekend, they would hire me on the spot. Husband told me before hand that he didn't mind if I worked 1 weekend a month but no more because he works M-F 8-6pm. At that time, we were in marriage counseling and I was really trying to give it a go so I agreed.

As far as sex in return...negative. Its complicated. He moved out in 2003 but we never got divorced. He paid house payment for kids but no child support. He could take interest off on his taxes. I made enough to support 2 teens alone and pay my car pmt and get my girls cars of their own and stuff and get by. If he had to pay a house repair or kids computer for college or tires, he called that alimony. He refused to let me sell the house and refused any negotiations. In 2008, I stopped working due to an accident. By 2013, one daughter married and the other finished law school after living with me holidays, summers and weekends, she moved out and since married. He claimed anything he could as alimony and then I had to report it as alimony as well. In 2014, I was so physically debilitated that I could not care for this huge old Victorian home,(2 rotator cuff surgeries, herniated discs, etc, but worse, I could not wake up in morning to take meds. This was a result of sleep disorder from head injury. He was kind enough to come by house in morning to wake me and give me meds. Then he wanted to try again, which he did entire separation. I said I would try if he went to marriage counseling, get a physical because of poor habits, and try to find common interests such as church. Then he started wanting to sleep on couch after counseling and dinner, and on Saturday night after dinner/church. We were trying to date I suppose. Then he just kind of moved in little by little. He sleeps in anther room and sex is not part of our relationship and he is ok with that.

Once we had a fight and he knocked me down the steps in 2015. The marriage counselor would not address that issue and so I never went back. Last Oct., he came home from work to find me and 2 girlfriends visiting in the living room. He went to his bedroom but when they left, he slapped me across the face and said he felt like a fool having to stay out of the living room where the TV is. (He watches tv/sports all the time he is home) I volunteered for the homeless shelter but that bothered him. He tries to deter me from going places with friends and I know better to have them here, at least when he is home. Church stopped after a few weeks. All he likes is sports and food and I don't care at all about them.

The deal with buying me things with condition is very unspoken. He acts like he wants me to isolate myself pretty much. I want to join a gym to try to strengthen myself but he is not in support of that. If I say I want to go somewhere with friends he pouts or acts left out. (I do it anyway occasionally) I do go to a group once a week and won't give that up. If we are out to dinner and run into people and I converse, he walks away. I use to be quite attractive and I have let that go because it bothers him when men talk to me when we are out (old time friends), even though it still happens, he seems happier if I don't draw any attention.

I have always been an extrovert and he has been a loner. Early on, I planned all events, gatherings, etc with couples and families. Many have since divorced or moved away. We never had many couples we did anything with. He doesn't care about politics or whats happening in the world and I use to have a passion and still like good conversations. He only talks sports. I have always been into learning new things, personal growth, etc. He has no interest. He knows nothing about ACOA, PTSD, head injury and doesn't want to be bothered with that stuff. I (use to) would love to see a play or go to the symphony but he would never find tickets worth the price. He also refuses to do any housework and I could never keep up. I can't vacuum and he refuses. If I push, he calls me a perfectionist and says it only needs vacuumed every 6 months. I don't call him a pig. So, in my opinion, he would rather buy me something and not haggle about vacuuming, watching him eat more in front of tv and keep getting fatter. Even though I really don't want "stuff" for the most part. I want to minimize.

I have come to feel so stuck, helpless and hopeless. A lawyer won't consult for less than $200 and a retainer of 4-5K. I stay in bed for days at a time. He comes home and wants dinner so we got out to eat a lot. I quit cleaning the house much. I feel pretty worthless. I also feel guilty because I should be grateful that I live in a nice house, have a reliable vehicle, have good food, still get my hair done every 2 months, have heat and water and cable and a computer and phone.

My counselor says I either need to get out and divide property or accept it but either way volunteer, work part time, join gym and walk, socialize. He is really concerned about my isolation and depression.

I apologize for the length if you were even able to get through this. Is marriage suppose to be this lonely?

 

[Friday]

People divide their money a lot of different ways in a marriage, and they're all fine... As long as both people are fine with it.

You're not fine with how your money is handled. You haven't been for a long time. And he's outright refusing to come to terms with you. So I very much agree that in your case it's very much a symptom of a much larger problem.

My counselor says I either need to get out and divide property or accept it but either way volunteer, work part time, join gym and walk, socialize.

Yep. Couldn't agree more.

 

[mamachick]

Thank you Friday. I have tried to accept it for a long time, and at times I have. The way it is now, we have to do everything together. Go together to buy the christmas ham and groceries because he is buying. I also told my therapist that I think his mother inherited money a few yrs ago and he puts at least $1000 a month on credit card he shares with her...I think she might be paying the bill, maybe somehow gifting it to him before she passes. On that note, therapist said to mind my own business about whatever he is doing. I guess it just may be time to seriously look at getting out, I have a lot of fear because he can afford a good attorney and I can't afford any. I called attorneys and nobody would do it and have fee come out of assets. I know you are both right.....

 

[Deleted member 29920]

It's a really really difficult situation you are in @brat17 and I really feel for you. No, marriage definitely shouldn't be lonely. It took me almost ten years to leave my ex, I told her in 2008 I wanted to separate and she refused to leave. She had isolated me from all friends and family and so I stayed because I had no one to turn to for help. I very much lost my sense of self. She manipulated me and we 'worked things out' .. for long periods of time, things were 'fine', but under the surface, it was really still abusive a lot of the things she was doing. It wasn't until March this year, I felt really in danger and quite sure she would at some point try to seriously harm or kill me. I got the police to remove her from our home. Her name was not on the lease so she had no right to be there. Had they been unable to remove her, I could have applied for a place of my own with the help of womens aid. It's definitely not easy, but it's also not impossible to leave and be free from abuse. I wonder if there's a way you can start planning how to get away from your husband?

 

[mamachick]

LilLynx I am so glad that she was not on the lease and you were able to get her out of your home. I am glad you are safe and did not get seriously harmed. I do understand how things can be "fine" under the surface. I have also lost my sense of self.
Im just so tired and feel like a piece of $!&#. Things are so hard to separate...is it ptsd, depression, rebellion, or self preservation. When our kids were growing up, he worked and I did everything else. He could not pick up a gallon of milk on his way home. He seems like the nicest guy in the world. He is avoidant of any conflict...but when I assert myself....he flips....he yells and points his finger at me, he makes excuses, lies, gaslights, blames me. Worst of all, kids learn from their parents and I was always self sacrificing and they look down on me now and see him as having the power. He even gives them gifts of money without my name on it. I am angry that all the years of doing it all, I don't even know our finances because he lies all the time. I guess the good news is that I am not in any physical danger.

I think you are right-I am going to have to get away because after 31 yrs, there is no hope for change. On one level we are friends if something is really needed. Yet during the years apart, I learned there is a whole world out there. I did things I liked to do, had a social life, traveled. I have become a vegetable like he is and I hate myself for it. I have a lot of fear because of my health and having nobody there for me. (I have no family left)But I have gotten so depressed that some days I only get out of bed to brush my teeth and use the bathroom and let my dogs out. ACOA teaches that we often confuse love with pity, and I have felt really sorry for him because he is missing life and intimacy.

I hope you are healing since she is gone. Are things getting better for you now?

Thank you so much for sharing and your kind words.

 

[Deleted member 541]

@brat17 Your examples are just one more reason I got divorced. My ex controlled pretty much all $$. When I finally got a job, my marriage fell apart because I saw how empowering my new found independence was. I’ve tried a few relationships since then, but too controlling, to one sided at times. Yrs ago said screw it, it’s just not worth it. My $$ is now mine and I do just fine....

 

[mumstheword]

I am sorry you are suffering like this! It sounds very lonely.
I just wanted to say that he might be "friends" with you now, but when you start asserting yourself and pulling away, he might not be so friendly. He sounds like a control freak. My ex was one of those. He might pull out all the stops and amp up the threats, manipulative tactics and meanness if he knows he is losing control. Control freaks get desperate when they lose that which they are used to having control over.
Do you know about boundaries? Do you have outside friends you can seek refuge with? Can.you line up an emergency go-to if things get hairy? Do you have a therapist who will help you develop an exit plan that is fair to you and strategic? Strategy is necessary. People who want power over others are not operating from their heart, they use strategy to keep us in line and "own" us, so strategy is needed to extricate ourselves from their clutches. You will need courage, self-regard and some people who witness, support and provide sanctuary if need it.
Good luck! I think you deserve some joy, true friendship and autonomy. At least a chance to do your best to run your own life without having to answer to someone who isn't honest or a true and respectful friend to you.

 

[mamachick]

SheCat I sure understand how that happens. That is kind of how we ended up separated back in 2003. I went to work in 2001 and was in grad school. Since he had to help with the kids more, he told them they didn't have to do what we had agreed on and made me out to be selfish. I had much better self esteem. So while it wasn't about money, it was empowering and I was able to see how much I had been unappreciated by my family. I too would not get in another relationship. I just don't need it. We only eat dinner together and then he goes to living room and I go to my bedroom.

 

[mamachick]

Thank you mumstheword. Oh he will turn if we split up...he is very passive aggressive. I do know about boundaries. I do not have to many friends for refuge and support. I have failed to return calls, been avoidant and declined invitations for so long now. I don't think he will get violent or anything. My therapist will certainly support me. I just feel so weak and broken and know I have to muster the strength. I think my recent request and cornered him and he is so use to me being so humble and feeling so undeserving....something I know I need to get over. What he will do is ghost me....wont cooperate with financial disclosure, etc...thats how we ended up not getting divorced and cutting ties in first place. My old therapist said he would wait me out.....and he sure has. The man has patience to put one over the edge. Often if I need something he will eventually come through right now, but he makes me sweat it out.

 

[mamachick]

He really doesn't threaten me....he just passively controls everything. Controls all finances so I have no idea what we have or any debts. And the allowance he gives me, he expects me to claim as alimony on my taxes. He lived with his mother for the 10 years apart. She has a farm and needs him to fix things every week, but he won't fix anything I ask for.....or it takes him months. I am wore down I think. The thing is, he came to help my health and its worse than ever.