Finding Purpose

[Thinkingman85]

I usually don't like to talk about my past, but this forum is a good place to do so.

When I was 15, my mother had a brain aneurysm on Thanksgiving Day. She was in a vegetative state (on a respirator) for a week before she had to be let go. Two years later, when I was 17, I walked into my father's bedroom and he was dead. He had a massive heart attack during the night before. Both scenes have left me with an impression of a reality that is very strong and uncaring.

I struggle to find purpose. When I want to force myself to try to succeed, the memories of how tragic both of my parent's death's occurred keep me in a hopeless state of mind. I always struggle to find personal worth. It's like when I want to take action, my logic tells me "What's the use? Both of your parents are gone. You witnessed first hand how messed up life can be." I still find it hard to believe that it happened.

Many times, I feel like I got a wake up call through my experiences. I sometimes feel like I'm not important in the universe and it doesn't matter what I do. I've tried God, but I get no answer. My perception of the world due to my previous experiences is that it is nihilistic and darwinian. I don't know what I'm fighting for anymore. Are there any words of encouragement to help me find purpose even after such devastating events occurred? I don't know if I can live my whole life with the pain of both my parents' deaths. Maybe, I haven't fully grieved yet, but it's been nine years since both were lost.

 

[Tinyflame]

Hi TM85.

I don't think grief begins until to you are able to let it begin. So years don't always matter, and "time (doesn't) heal all wounds", as they say. There may be other things to grieve, too, or one thing leads to another.

Oddly enough, I also found, just when I felt it had entirely dissipated (the sadness or loss), or been integrated after my dad died, the first Father's Day after my mom died was like the first year my dad had. Caught me totally unawares. And that was 13 years apart, though almost to the day.

I've had other happenings that were totally devastating and surreal, and frequently there is a twist of a very painful knife, and no help. The circumstance(s) where, could it possibly get any worse? (And OMG, it did. :( ). A friend said, it's the 'Final Blow, the Coup-de-gras" (about his own struggles).

However, angle of perspective means a lot. For example, if your relationship with your parents was good, it's good you had them that long. Similarly, they were at home when they died- I know that doesn't make it easier for you, and I'm so sorry. But they didn't languish, it's also hard to pray or 'hope' someone will 'be able' to let go when you can't relieve their suffering.

You mention God, which is the only reason I will here. I heard once that 'death is the last, greatest evil'. Even 'God' put Himself through it. I think (any and All) horrors and wrongs done interpersonally, are not God's doing, only God's-overcoming. I hope that you will see and find that just as those horrors and realities exist, so is the opposite possible. When you meet those who care. The cold-hand-on-a-hot-forehead-feeling, I call it. Because that exists too.

Try to go easy on yourself, Christmas, familiy-stuff etc, brings forward lots of reminders. I think it's like saying, as regards poverty, poverty when everyone is poor, well then people don't feel the same or react the same. (But) it's poverty amidst afluence, where the recognition of the disparity occurs. It can make anyone feel more sad, it's just a different poverty. But there are other riches, too, and kindnesses and important things and people. I think it shows or teaches very early, people are what count. People and love.

The upside is, (if there is one), it makes a person a good 'consoler'. Or apperently, that's what I've been told. I can usually console any inconsolable child, that's for sure. Even when others can't. I think it's just awareness of pain, their fear, or whatever.

((((Hugs)))) if that's ok.

 

[Sailorgal]

Hey Thinkingman85,

It sounds like you are still processing a lot of emotions. Finding our purpose is rather typical even outside of a trumatic event.

It sounds like you need to start at the beginning. I don't know what your history is like with any counseling or therapy or sharing with close friends, but when something us bottled up it makes it easier for us to keep going rather than deal with it.

We are ALL valuable and have purpose in this life. Some of us just need to clean house a bit more than others. :)

You say that you "struggle" often when trying to succeed and find purpose. You state it's logic that says whats the point. (Sorry, not sure how to do the quotes yet) Those are telling statements. Junebug is right, grieving is not set on a time.

Sounds like you had to take care of yourself so the pain was put away in order to function in life. But your body is telling you to deal with it.

Whether its drawing, or journaling, or even recording yourself, get your emotions out. I know how it feels to lose a loved one....

Look at where you are and celebrate that. Little things, step by step. Just be honest to yourself about what you're feeling. :)

Even now I will have my moment but then ask myself, "why am I really feeling this way?" then i turn around and ask myself," what DO you want? What makes you happy?" It brings me back to the present. :)

Keep us posted. This forum is a great place to share and get support!!!

 

[Tinyflame]

And TM, I should have said (as was worried since I hit 'send'), don't mean to sound presumptious, I can only go by my experience. Like gizmo always says, I hope this causes good and not harm. ((((Hugs)))).

Thank you Sailorgal. I really like what you posted. And yes, I agree, feelings can lead to beliefs. Personally, I'm the poster girl for "Here's a Person With No Purpose", lol. I rely on others' words that that isn't so, that even 'I' exist for 'some' reason, but I sure understand. It's hard to even believe them. Really have to go on blind faith or trust. :hug: for you and your kind words, xox.

 

[Thinkingman85]

Thanks for the response. I understand the overcoming aspect. However, I don't know how I can overcome it. There are many factors that keep me from embracing life again. For example, my mother was in a vegetative state for a week and on a respirator. She was more than likely braindead during that time, but how do I know? The other example is my father. When I found him on the bed, he was hunched over the edge. It looked like he was trying to reach or call for help. I don't know how much he suffered, but it is scary to think about. Overcoming that cruel reality is something that I haven't been able to do. I'd like to have the cold-hand-on-a-hot-forehead feeling again, but it seems like I'm not capable because of all that I've been through.

I try to find the good in the bad, but the bad seems too strong. Yes, I had a good relationship with my parents, but how I lost them is much more devastating than the appreciating of having been with them. I'd like to believe that I can just hold on to the memories, but the reality of the devastation is how I filter. I hope that one day I can be involved in life again. Because of my parents' deaths, I wonder why I am still alive. I don't know if I'll be capable of having a wife and kids without parents. I'm concerned that during the holidays, I'll fall into a major depression.

Recently, I've been on Prozac and going to therapy. I am starting to get out of a black depression that I've had for five years. Just being confident enough that I'm not going to fall into a major depression is something I'm hoping for.

Regarding God, I think I'm here for a reason, I just don't know why. I am still alive, so I can get myself out of this. Believing that I've been dealt a bad hand is something I struggle with. I'm hoping to get back to royal flush status.

Sorry to hear about your parents. I care...

((((Hugs))))

 

[Sailorgal]

Thanks for the response. I understand the overcoming aspect. However, I don't know how I can overcome it. There are many factors that keep me from embracing life again. For example, my mother was in a vegetative state for a week and on a respirator. She was more than likely braindead during that time, but how do I know? The other example is my father. When I found him on the bed, he was hunched over the edge. It looked like he was trying to reach or call for help. I don't know how much he suffered, but it is scary to think about. Overcoming that cruel reality is something that I haven't been able to do.

I'd like to believe that I can just hold on to the memories, but the reality of the devastation is how I filter.

I hope its ok to abbreviate the quote. What you said is quite telling. Of course you can't move on cos you never left the scene in the first place. For whatever reason you hold on, i hope your therapist can help you through this. HOW they died has scarred you in how you see (or fail to see) the future.

Whether you are the type of person that needs to know exactly how it happened in order to get closure, or feel guilty cos you think you couldve done something, or take it as a sign that there's no use in living cos any of us can go at any moment, or whatever it is, it needs to be addressed. 9 years of wondering about HOW it happened is obviously not typical in grieving process. Im not saying there is a timeframe or process. The reality is that life isn't always fair.

You're on the right track...:)

Junebug - I definitely see how much stronger ptsd can affect my feelings, perceptions, etc. I have to constantly quiet the voices!! God bless you dear!!!!

 

[Thinkingman85]

Sailorgal, what makes me happy is examining life. What makes me suffer is how I perceive the world. I used to be a Christian, but after taking a philosophy class and realizing how horrible my parents deaths were, I couldn't have faith anymore. I feel like I have a solid grip on reality. I like to think analytically and rationally. Because of this, I've taken out most superstition in my life. I have a tendency to want to believe in a personal God, but I always end up saying no. However, I don't feel confident enough being involved in this life because of how horrific my parents deaths were. I don't want to feel bad living as an atheist. If I do take that step, I will feel alone without parents. This feeling is something I have to overcome.

 

[Tinyflame]

Dear TM, thank you for your kindness. That is so sweet! It took me until my late 30's to even give myself permission about feeling badly. It seemed never right or I was not able to be 'allowed' to. The climate, when I was 14, didn't allow me to. Even now, many years later, I feel I'm not entitled.

I can recall even in my 20's, lighting a candle in church when my mom was dying- hoping for a miracle but a 'pragmatist'- a lady who knew she was ill saying, "Well, you don't expect her to live forever?" :confused: I didn't really think my mom's age qualified it 'forever' (especially since the woman saying it was about 20 years older! :rolleyes:)

And oddly too, those who seem to 'least get it'- have it! That is, parents who are seniors no less, families, etc. In the field I work, it's about 80+ % with seniors and their 'children'. I can't believe their 'children' are 20 and 30 years older than my parents lived. The silly things one hears, like "It's not Christmas without sage (in the turkey dressing)!" Yikes, I can only think how different all of my family were, or are. How they lived life 'wide', if not 'long'. (That is a beautiful Mexican saying I love. :) ) In many respects, the loss is acute also because they were vibrant, different, gave so much.

I understand something (now) about myself, though. It's just a question of 'love', more so than the specific relationship. I love deeply, I lose deeply.

I understand your apprehensions, or the acute loss, as you think of your future. But I would hope you would not do what I did, and limit someone else (a spouse, children, extended family) from the love you always have given (by the sound of it). Like you said, "You care". :) Wow. :)

Yes, they may have suffered. But relatively briefly. Truth is (I work in Health Care), it's not as easy to die (or quick) as most people think. I am glad they didn't suffer longer.

I think in time, the good memories will outweigh the bad. I'm so glad the depression is lifting a bit, there will be an inevitable pull back but I hope you have the means and help to not get pulled under. I think so. And you can come 'here', too.

The cold-hand, like it says above depression and trauma don't improve in isolation. As much as it's our responsibilty to clean our own house(s), I've come to the conclusion it can't be our own hand. It doesn't work. Not entirel, anyway.

It helps me alot, (or I really relate to), what they say about trauma. I am (also) the poster girl for how they say you end up, or what one thinks and feels. It helps a lot to know it's 'normal' (sort of :rolleyes:)!

((((Hugs back)))).

 

[Tinyflame]

Sorry, double posted.

Thank you, dear Sailorgal! Bless you too! :) :hug:

I totally agree with SG.

One thing TM, if God is there, I really don't think He'd want you to not live happily, or He'd want you to live happily as an atheist (I mean, He WOULD want you to live happily as an atheist, if that's how you feel now). You're ahead of me, because I can't 'feel' even that much purpose. However, I don't think God (if He exists) minds the hard questions, I think He would welcome it as that is a sign it's true. And He made you how you are, after all. :) :tup: Most important is how you treat others, I think.

Far as Christianity per say goes, well there was Easter- pretty brutal way to go. Personally, I think that's how God knows how everyone feels- He can relate (intimately). I was thinking too, only really about 3 or 4 people really 'stuck around', (before and immediately after). Or, a little over a dozen. It's hard to persevere when your heart is broken. :(

I heard something neat once, (just to take as you will), that someone in the Bible believed and persevered and 'hoped', even when it seemed impossible and his heart was broken.

((((Hugs))), must run to work!

(((((Sailorgal)))), too. :)

 

[Tinyflame]

One teeny thought TM, I sometimes wonder if 'bad' things occur to prevent us from accomplishing good things, a temptation to lose heart. :(

I think if God exists, or any force for good, well, your ability to love is an example of that. :)

I think too, if God exists, He isn't heavy-handed. He wouldn't want anyone to feel coerced. I think He is in the little things. Like, the 'saint' for my birthday day, I looked it up once, and one of them is 'David'. There is talk maybe he had PTSD! ( :eek: !) Then I think, they say 'he was a man after God's heart". So maybe God would/ could see 'our' hearts as not so bad. Soimilarly, they say 'St Mary Magdalene' probably was ill, or had depression or something, and God knows they called her hysterical and 'nuts' with the news she brought, apparently. So maybe, if God has a 'plan', there's room for 'us'. :hug:

 

[Hashi]

ThinkingMan, first I want to echo Junebug and say that there isn't a set timescale for grieving. We have to grieve, and we have to let it take as long as it needs to.

Then I want to say something, very gently, from the perspective of having myself died in traumatic circumstances and been resuscitated. I've had a lot of thoughts, in the time leading up to that and in the time since, about the effect my death would have on the people in my life. Of course, I understand it from a human perspective and understand how devastated they would have been, and how they would have needed to process what they thought about what it had been like for me. At the same time, I wouldn't have wanted them to hold me forever in that time before and during my death. That was only part of my existence here, and - much as it was everything to me in the days and moments beforehand - it was nothing once I left.

you can't move on cos you never left the scene in the first place.

The thing is, I'd venture to say that I think your parents left that scene long ago. It's only us here on earth who get stuck in it. They are free now of the circumstances before and during which they passed away. This might sound tough, but it's only you who are still there.

I have a friend who was murdered, and I held the grief and wrongness of it for a long time, even while I felt in some way that she herself, wherever she now was, was willing me to let go of it. She'd let go of it the moment she left the planet.

I know this is how it would have been for me, if I hadn't been brought back. If people had held me in the time leading up to and including my death, that would have been their experience, not mine.

I think you need to separate what you're going through now, thinking about this, from moments in the past that your parents have moved far beyond. I think you need to deeply honour what you are going through. And then heal from it.

In my own healing, I''ve recently been going through a crisis of being unable to find purpose or meaning. I've been unable to find any sense to how things are, or any way that there can be a greater meaning or greater forces at work in our lives and for them not to be at best uncaring, at worst malevolent. I've had to finally accept that I can't understand and never will, If I don't accept that, I'll never heal. This has been a desperately painful realisation, because I've been trying so hard to find an understanding. It isn't there, and never will be. My only options are to say everything's bad or to say it's beyond my comprehension and I'll accept it the way it is.

I like what Louise Hay says about life. That we're all here to learn something, and some of us are in kindergarten while some of us are in graduate school. I know I'm not in kindergarten here.

What you're going through sounds very, very painful. Sending good wishes to you.

 

[Thinkingman85]

Hashi, thanks for the response. I will focus on the good aspects of my parents. I think a realistic way of resolving the thoughts of how they suffered is to acknowledge that it was just a natural part of life. It is reassuring for you to let me understand your personal feelings of how you would want people to remember you if you had passed away. People are good and I don't think they would want others to suffer from their tragedy (for example, the way my father died). Personally, I experience this also. Many people know that both of my parents are dead. I would rather them see me as someone who is not suffering because of it. The sympathy tends to make me feel that I haven't overcome (to a healthy degree) their deaths. However, people's empathy makes me realize that I can continue to strive to be well and it can be ok.

One thing I haven't done is grieve... completely crying my eyes out. After my mother died, I cried my eyes out. However, two years later, when my father died, I thought to myself "Why should I even cry? I've been through this before." However, the awareness of how cold life can be and how hard circumstances can be have led me to feel like I may need to cry. I will try my best to accept that my parents have moved on, but the feeling of disbelief still exists. Overcoming this feeling of disbelief will be a challenge.

The good thing about finding meaning is that it is a journey. I've tried to giving in to a belief system where I can be stable, but I just accept that I'll continue learning. I haven't given up, but I also don't put many eggs in a basket. The lyrics to "The Climb" by Miley Cyrus definitely express how I tend to view life (It's an amazing song even if she was Hannah Montana). All the best.