Sufferer First Post Ever

[redstone]

Hi All -
I am diagnosed with CPTSD and DID. I've been in effective therapy for a long time, long enough to begin to remember and accept the early traumas. Oddly, or not, it seems to me I am now losing ground. Over the last two weeks I've begun hiding in my house again, feel numb or frightened or hopeless. I turn to suicidal ideation as a way to comfort myself. I have intense somatic sensations in my arms and legs. In other words, I'm a wreck.

The trigger? I'm ashamed to say it was I think, that my therapist of 15 years (!) was out sick for 2 weeks. My dependency on him freaked me out so I am acting to protect myself as I know best.

But, really, isn't 15 years a long time? Maybe this dependency IS unhealthy. I can't tell. Maybe I need other therapy as well, a group or something. I do do movement work, acupuncture etc, but only the therapist, I think, really gets CPTSD and DID.

Any thoughts?

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Hi and welcome to the forum!

When you say you were acting to protect yourself as you know best, does that mean that your healthy coping skills sort of went out the window and you reverted to maladaptive ways to cope? Has this sort of thing happened before?

 

[redstone]

Yes, exactly. Thank you. My "healthy coping skills sort of went out the window and (I) reverted to maladaptive ways to cope?" So, yes, my question is about feeling stuck, "regressing"

 

[p-no]

Welcome to the forum, redstone. :)

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Welcome. :)

 

[redstone]

Thank you. Have already found great advice about tracing back the "storyline" from a triggering event. Am eager to hear more about this being stuck/ regressing. I sense that even connecting with this forum will help me move from feeling to frighteningly dependant on my therapist.

 

[KP the nut]

Hi and welcome to the forum.

 

[intothelight]

Welcome to the PTSD Forum! :)

 

[Lost Pup]

Hi Redstone,

Have you talked to your therapist openly about your relationship and attachment to him? I noticed you called it "dependency" and, to me, that felt like it had a judgmental ring (though you may not have meant for it to). It's alright (even good) to feel safe (and brave) enough to depend on others. It's a good sign that you have been able to find someone worthy of trust, at least it has been in my experience.

For me, my relationship with my therapist is an extremely important lifeline. I definitely need him and depend on him but don't think that I am dependent or needy in the classic, negative sense.

I never realized until the past two years (since working with him and since meeting my partner) just how much (C)PTSD has to do with interpersonal relationships and attachment. At least it does for me. If my therapist suddenly got sick for two weeks (or if my partner suddenly left me), I can only imagine that it might bring up a real groundswell of feelings for me. I think having that relationship threatened could make me feel both back in the trauma and alone in it too. If that happened and it reactivated the feeling of being a traumatized and alone kid, I can only imagine how I would respond. Maybe you can go easy on yourself? And notice that its totally understandable to feel this way and doesn't make you weak or set back or anything. Just having a new experience on your path that kicks up the dust for awhile? If so, I am sure it will settle soon.

Nice to meet you.

LP

 

[redstone]

Thank you, Lost Pup. Yes, dependency does carry negative judgement for me. And interpersonal relationships /attachment is a big story in my life. Just the other day - and certainly part of this latest trigger - I asked my one steady friend who knows about incest herself why it was that I have so few solid, reciprocal friends. (Let alone having sustained intimate relationships.) She answered honestly, and maybe I am not ready to hear this, that even she had to decide, some years ago, to keep her distance from me but that in the end "the good was so much more than the bad."

The "bad" being my unpredictable anger, jealousy, hardness. She said I scared her. And those parts of me scare me too. It is only recently that I see these parts of myself as being "parts", as being an expression of DID, so it is only now, these past weeks, that I realize how very much my experience of the world, of my life, has been compromised by the traumas of my childhood.

I am 61 years old. I was sent off to a shrink first when I was 8. I am tired. And with the recurring bouts of despair I am losing confidence that there will ever be anything else. Yes, I know this is a negative cognition AND I'm running out of steam.

I can't quite believe I am writing this honestly and directly to other people. I don't think I could articulate this anyone other than a therapist. With everyone else I would feel I needed to protect them from my true feelings.
Thank you.

 

[dms]

Sorry Redstone.

 

[Lost Pup]

Redstone,

I'm almost 25 years younger than you but I can tell you my experience of friendships is almost identical. I have one very dear friend who I've known for 25 years. Others come and go but, ultimately, I think with nearly every single one of them, I have gone through something much like what you describe.

Again, you are not alone. Not at all. I know the sadness and the exhaustion and, for me at least, the profound feeling of injustice that something done to a child will affect them for the rest of their life, in the most fundamental ways.

But I think those moments of despair are very powerful. There is a lot of intelligence in despair. Sometimes feeling it is the most real, clear, and honest assessment of our situation. Hard as it is, I try to remember, for myself, that those moments of clear and painful seeing are also the most alive. In this culture, we are bombarded with the message we should have "hope" or think "positively" or "on the bright side." I've always found that really destructive because sometimes its just not an honest reaction to my experience. And there is nothing bad or dangerous about just simply feeling bad.

When I am really, really honest about how dark much of my life has been, I am present and, when I am present, I am able to change my reaction.

Is there any way you can do something very kind for yourself right now? Or in any of the moments you feel the worst and least hopeful? Is there a way you can genuinely comfort the part of yourself that feels so exhausted and sad? Could be anything - nice meal, movie, cake, massage, etc.

I find it hard but I try to do that to re-train myself to understand it is ok to feel "sorry" for myself. Not pity, just genuine understanding.

I hope something I wrote helps. If not, please just know you are not alone.

LP