Five minutes

[Nairobi]

Hello! The communication with my friend has improved a lot since he is living in another city. In person, he was not able to speak with me. But now, we speak almost every day by phone, and we even have made some videocalls (at the beginning it was not possible)
When I call him, sometimes the calls are longer, sometimes shorter, depending of the day
But I've realized that when he calls me, he always does it in a way that the call doesn't last more than 5 minutes. For example, he takes a train daily to his workplace that lasts 25 minutes. Instead of calling me when he gets on, he always calls me when there are only 5 minutes left before he gets off, and after a few minutes he says, 'I have to get off now, goodbye.' Why would he do this? Could it be that he's really not interested in talking to me? (Which doesn't make much sense, because no one is forcing him to call me, now that we live in different cities and there's no reason to keep this friendship going.) Could it be a need for control? Or a routine? I'd like to understand it better. Thank you! This friendship would not be possible without your help

 

[parrotthepolly]

It does sound strange that he only calls for 5 mins... I have no idea why either but having some control or routine seems like a possible thing.

Could also be all the stress he can handle, since good stress can also be overwhelming in someone with PTSD. Glad to hear things are improving!

 

[Dark.Green.Feathers]

I am wondering if he has other things to take care of on the train? (eg. work related things) I know some people work on the train etc. It’s not possible to speak on this if we don’t know the full picture. Could be anything. Could be he wants to talk but only for so long. Could be external factors affecting this. Could be energy. We don’t know

 

[PamelaS]

I am wondering if he has other things to take care of on the train? (eg. work related things) I know some people work on the train etc. It’s not possible to speak on this if we don’t know the full picture. Could be anything. Could be he wants to talk but only for so long. Could be external factors affecting this. Could be energy. We don’t know

Could be limiting his exposure to you so he doesn’t want to get triggered. Could be anything. The only way that you will know is to ask him, and he answers honestly. That takes bravery and willingness to hear what he has to say even if you don’t want to hear it. If you do ask him sandwich between two good things: Appreciation. Issue. Encouragement.
Wishing you well as you move forward, slowly, patiently, lovingly, and with boundaries in place to protect yourself if it is malicious behavior.

 

[Nairobi]

Thank you for your answers! I have been thinking in your comments and after some days , I think that around five minutes is the longest time he can handle, because he doesnt work in the train, and also has phone me in other situations different of the train, and always has something to do after around five minutes.
But the frequency of the calls has increase and now we speak some minutes every day, so I think we are making progress in the communication and maybe in the future we can speak during more time

I would like to ask and speak with him about It, but based in my previous experience with him, I think It could add pressure to him and make him feel that I am unHappy with the friendship. So I think I Will wait to see what happen in the future

 

[arfie]

in that first separation from my hubs, i found it much easier to talk over the phone than in person, but i could only handle a few minutes at a time. in my case, i believe it was a trust issue. i don't know whom or what i mistrusted, but ??? i treated my mistrust like a ptsd symptom and respected my own limits without much question outside my therapy sessions.

the fact that hubs accepted it without pressuring me raised my trust levels considerably.