Flashback From Trauma Or Not?

[katiekat]

Trigger warning...I have recently been diagnosed with PTSD (from non-sexual sibling abuse growing up) and am trying to make sense of my life with this new perspective. I don't think I really have any flashbacks, just a lot of PTSD symptoms. I did have an instance a few weeks ago where we were talking about my childhood and feeling helpless and I dissociated and felt terrified but I don't know what about.

There are 2 visual memories though that are popping up that are very unsettling to me and I am not ready to talk to my T about them yet. First, a little background:I have been with my fiance for 5 years now, we have a toddler together. The first year we had great sex, then the 2nd year it was still good, just not as frequent. When I was pregnant it was very rare, and since having the baby only a handful of times.

My fiance gained about 30 lbs since we met, and has gotten hairier with age. I am turned off by these things. I keep flashing back to a hairy stomach... and then I also flash back to this time we tried something kinda kinky that left me feeling dirty and used afterwards, even though during it I was ok with it. I don't know what to think, if there is something in my past related to these things or if I am just not attracted to my fiancé.

It is ruining our relationship and I cannot tell him about it, and I haven't found the courage to talk to my T about it. I did have an unpleasant experience in college where I was almost raped, but it was a totally different situation. Can anyone help or relate to what I am going through?

 

[Deleted member 1860]

It sounds like the rape is still affecting you. The thing about trauma is that there often isn't a straight line from trauma to the effects of trauma. This is the main reason why I wasn't diagnosed for 25 years.

 

[Stanley Shi-Yume]

That's also the reason why the symptoms can swell or fade... Your mind is specifically sidestepping and detouring the emotional self. It is a protective instinct.

Thinking back now I can easily identify the moments of my adult life where PTSD had swelled, having been through the absolute peak of my PTSD (that brought it to my immediate attention) starting last December

 

[katiekat]

Thanks you guys... I think I can now have a bit more courage to address this with my T. Its kind of hard to talk about it with him since he is a guy, but I had a good session yesterday and I left feeling like I understood how my past has come to play a huge role in my life today. One thing he told me is that if some bad memories come up, remind myself that I generally like who I am and that who I am is made up of my genetics, choices and environment... therefor the events of my past have somehow shaped me to be someone that I like and hopefully that gets me thru some hard times.