Flashback Then Blackout?

[Punky143]

I'm bothered. I know what's contributing to why this may have happened but its still scary. Last night as my husband and I were in bed he started getting intimate and I had a teeny tiny flashback I think. Perhaps it was more of a body flashback? I have no clue. Then all I remember is waking up with no pants on wondering if we did it. I'm so ashamed, embarrassed, and scared. I can't tell him, he's not one to understand any of this. I'm dealing with my trauma history or trying to and in addition to that, my daughter's ongoing sexual assault case and everything else in life. My T is still on vacation and all I can do is disassociate:-(

 

[trying2movefwd]

I am sorry to hear your having such a hard time. I can relate to flashbacks and then blacking out myself. For now take deep breaths, use some grounding techniques, go for a walk, distract yourself with being busy if you can. Take Care.

 

[GMW]

I wonder if you disassociated during your original trauma? My therapist said that if you did, it makes it more likely that you will repress the memories, more likely you will disassociate during a similar healthy experience in later years and more likely you will disassociate in general. So maybe it wasn't a black out but a period of intense disassociation? If you're wondering what happened with your hubby but don't want to admit to not remembering, you could just say "last night was (insert adjective here)..." and see if it sparks a conversation like "we didn't do anything" or "you zoned out so I decided to leave it". Sounds like you have a lot on at the moment so please be gentle and don't expect miracles from yourself.

 

[Punky143]

I have endured trauma since a very young age and can remember some of it but clearly I've suppressed memories. Especially around intimacy and even being touched in general. My mother was raped when she was young by what I was led to believe was trusting family members but that belief was shattered early on. So, I do disassociate and sometimes I realize it and other times I don't. That is why I've distanced myself from everyone at this time because even I can't figure out how to explain it.

 

[GMW]

Me too hun. I was abused by 12 different people as a child (age 2-16), then 6 or 7 more abused me in the space of 6 months when I was 24. It's so hard... I don't believe my own story half the time and it feels ... unreal. My T said that when I described this feeling like nothing about my childhood is real, like it's in an unreality bubble or something, that's actually a form of disassociation. I've had various different types and I didn't understand it all till I started seeing her about 6 weeks ago!! You don't need to explain it to me or (I think) most people here. Just take care of yourself and maybe try to talk to your hubby, not to explain, but just to see if he can fill in any blanks. My hubby is very good at saying "it was just like the light bulb had gone out in your brain" or "it looked like you were sleep walking" he's accepted I find it difficult to explain, but it helps to hear his perspective so I know what was really happening when I was off ... wherever it was my mind goes to during these times.