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It’s hard enough to try calm down at night or put my feet up, because that’s when I fall into my memories. To remember the past and the events is one thing – to feel you are reliving them is another. For that you feel every amount of pain and stress and emotions. Pills and potions don’t work – playing music with headphones on and smelling salts etc only help so far. I’ve always had this “gift” if you will, to know what someone did or said and what kind of clothing they had on - Even what they had for breakfast on that day. When I was fighting for my life on a daily basis it was vital to calculate and apply logic to what moves they will do or won’t. This gave me the advantage to stay alive. Them days are gone now and one would think the stress is over. Sadly it doesn’t work that way for some of us. I still apply the logic I trained my mind with on a day-to-day basis. Comes in handy when working with others.
I’d stress problems I fear will happen to my bosses – family and friends. I see them roll their eyes. I am not being egotistical here, I hope I am not: Yet, when they won’t listen before it happens – sadly it has always happened. I feel rejected because their pride or ego will not allow them to say: oh Ian was right. They have to apply a reason that fits in to their worldview to safe face. I get that, but each time takes me a mile away in my mind from my new life and my old paradigm seems more tempting to retreat to. I can’t do the whole “ Good ole Boys” club; the thought of it makes me want to vomit. I can’t stand nepotism in any form or matter. I’ve seen what it can do and how others suffer. So I go breaking the fourth wall and that makes me unpopular. So I hide myself away and only surround myself with people that are also seen as “outsiders”
because they won’t BBQ with the Joneses.
This has cost me greatly personally and professionally. So now I am in a paradox type state. How to move forward without losing my moral compass. Adam Smith said it best: Water or Diamonds? What do we value most.
I’d stress problems I fear will happen to my bosses – family and friends. I see them roll their eyes. I am not being egotistical here, I hope I am not: Yet, when they won’t listen before it happens – sadly it has always happened. I feel rejected because their pride or ego will not allow them to say: oh Ian was right. They have to apply a reason that fits in to their worldview to safe face. I get that, but each time takes me a mile away in my mind from my new life and my old paradigm seems more tempting to retreat to. I can’t do the whole “ Good ole Boys” club; the thought of it makes me want to vomit. I can’t stand nepotism in any form or matter. I’ve seen what it can do and how others suffer. So I go breaking the fourth wall and that makes me unpopular. So I hide myself away and only surround myself with people that are also seen as “outsiders”
because they won’t BBQ with the Joneses.
This has cost me greatly personally and professionally. So now I am in a paradox type state. How to move forward without losing my moral compass. Adam Smith said it best: Water or Diamonds? What do we value most.
