Flashbacks & Strange Behaviour During Therapy

[Jen12]

Hi,

Ive had a tough few weeks with having an operation and having to stay in hospital. During this time i was severly triggered during my hospital stay, and it just wont go.

I went to therapy today, and my therapist wanted to discuss the re-traumatisation. This lead into a full blown flashback. Im not aware of what i did during this, other than i came too in the corner of the therapy room, with my arms shielding my face / head and my hole body shaking.
My therapist was sat on the floor slightly to the side of me talking to me trying to ground me by touching my dog who comes to my sessions.

Does anyone else do strange things during therapy sessions like ending up the corner or running out the door? Im so embarrased by it, how does your therapist deal with it when it happens?

 

[sun seeker]

I haven't done anything exactly like that, but wouldn't worry too much if it happened. If therapy is a safe place and your therapist knows how to handle your reactions (which a good therapist should, and it sounds like yours did) having the therapist there while you are going through a flashback could be a step in the right direction. There's no point in trying to keep therapy too "nice" and under control... a flashback is a replaying of a traumatic situation, and when you have a caring person there keeping you company and helping you work through it, that's where the healing lies. So nothing to be embarrassed about. Eventually, a goal in trauma therapy would be to feel the impulse leading to the reaction without acting on it, communicate it to your therapist, and she would help you to feel that and release the trauma while keeping one foot in the present. I'd say talk about it with him/her but certainly, don't be ashamed.

 

[Panda Bear]

Running out the door....

Yes, I have, a number of times. Door slam and all. Usually partially present, but not all the way.

It sounds like your therapist did a great job and @sun seeker put it very well.

 

[Jen12]

I haven't done anything exactly like that, but wouldn't worry too much if it happened. If therapy is...

Thank you so much for your lovely reply. I left her office feeling totally stupid, and also bad that she had to witness it... I am very lucky to have a brilliant therapist who is very very understanding. I just need to get better at opening up as i really struggle to trust people, let alone with such a sensitve matter as the trauma. I also have a great fear of burdening others with my problems, and in the back of my mind i keep telling myself 'just get on with it'. But i really cant, i burried it for years, now im at the stage where everythings exploding.

 

[sun seeker]

i really struggle to trust people, let alone with such a sensitve matter as the trauma. I also have a great fear of burdening others with my problems

Both very normal problems that your therapist has probably heard many times. I encourage you to talk with your therapist about this. Working out glitches in the therapeutic relationship is part of healing, too. Most of us who have suffered abuse have these feelings and need to work on them. It's normal.

 

[Jen12]

Running out the door....

Yes, I have, a number of times. Door slam and all. Usually partially presen...

Thank you for your reply, it really helped to know in not the only one.
How does your therapist deal with it when you do leave?
My therapist is struggling with this part as she knows she cant lock or pin me in a room as this would cause a re-traumatisation and really distress me. But she also knows she cant allow me to leave if im in a dissociative state.... But when im like this ill do anything possible to get out, ill even try window, any escape route ill try.

 

[Jen12]

Both very normal problems that your therapist has probably heard many times. I encourage you to talk...

Thank you, you really are so very helpful! I will defiantly let my therapist know the predicament im in, ill probably find it easier to write it down for her than tell her verablly face to face

 

[barefoot]

Yes, I had a very similar experience a couple of months ago - I started this thread about it:
https://www.myptsd.com/threads/feeling-mortified-after-yesterdays-session.56932/

In the above thread, I mostly talked about how dissociated I was but it was more than that. I don't think it was a flashback, because I don't think I have those. But my therapist has since described it as a triggered trauma response, which was then kind of mixed in with dissociation. I think there was both re-traumatisation and severe dissociation - I think I kind of swung wildly between the two for about 2.5 hours!

I ended up standing in the corner of her room, backed up against the wall having reversed over (and nearly fallen over) a fan on the floor to get there. And I was basically just there frozen in fear for I'm not sure how long...maybe about 20 mins...while my therapist tried to talk me down and ground me. I couldn't interact with her. I couldn't move. I just felt a real sense of terror but I didn't know why.

Then when I finally moved I ended up facing another wall – basically my forehead and toes nudged against the wall and the palms of my hands flat against the wall. And I just stood and my entire body shook for about 15 mins.

When I came out of it, I was completely disorientated, could barely stand up, had no idea what had been going on, felt totally mortified.

It was horrible. I felt mortified. The fallout was awful – I pretty much wrote off a week because I felt so terrible. I couldn't shift that all-encompassing sense of fear for days and days even though I still couldn't really work out where it had come from and what had provoked it in that session.

It took me weeks to recalibrate from it – in fact, it only really feels like I'm pretty much back to normal now. So the impact was huge.

My therapist was lovely, totally supportive and really went above and beyond (I was there an hour longer than my session time and she bought me a chocolate brownie to try to get my blood sugar levels back up so that I could get more present and safe to travel home. And then she checked in with me pretty much every day that week). Didn't stop me feeling embarrassed and ashamed though. We've largely left it alone since as she's been deliberately keeping things light and gentle in sessions so as not to trigger anything to that extent again. But I think we're going to start unpicking it a bit next week...

So, yes – I completely get this...it's an awful experience. But your therapist sounds lovely and she will have seen things like this before. My therapist was so incredibly compassionate about it – I think mainly because, at the time, she could see how much I was suffering. She said afterwards that it was 'brutal' and that, although on one level it may show some therapeutic progress as things are shifting and looking for a way out, on the other hand it was too much and that she wanted to try to avoid it happening to that extent again because it wasn't good for me to get re-traumatised.

Talk more with your therapist about what happened (not necessarily right now...you might want to wait for things to settle a bit more first) and look after yourself. Take things gently in the aftermath of this distressing experience.

 

[Jen12]

@barefoot

Thank you for your reply, i apprecaite you telling me what happened even though it was extremely difficult situation you where in at the time!

You actually said how i feel, but wasnt able to find the words for. I am literally mortified of what happened, and scared of what i did/ said that im not aware of. And whats more scary to me is that it may of given away more detail about what the trauma entailed. As currently im struggling to open up, so were using the 'blind therapist' technique.
My therapist was also lovely & very caring. I know at one point i got abit irrate with her as she said it was unsafe for me to leave, but i was adament i was going by hook or by crook. I have major issues with feeling locked in, and always have go have an exit, which it felt like, even though she wasnt locking any doors. Im going to try and write down what i need to say to her, as verbally i struggle to converse it. I have a big faccade of 'im alright, i can cope' but underneath im paddling like mad. But admitting im struggling i fear is a sign of weakness and this scars me. I cant have anyone think im weak, as weakness has lead to some of my trauma situations.

 

[barefoot]

I think it sounds like you have a good relationship with your therapist and that she's very caring and wants to help...so admitting that you're struggling to her...well, it might not be easy...but it will probably help you to move forwards. And, she already knows you're struggling - that's why you're seeing her :-) And she won't have any judgement about that.

The being unaware of exactly what I'd done/said was really unnerving...I asked her about it and she told me very factually the different stages of what had happened, because she knew I wanted the information. It just felt like she was talking about someone else because I couldn't actually connect to it. That thing of me not having that awareness of what had happened or any control over it and her having witnessed it...that felt very...scary, I suppose, but I don't think that's quite the right word... It made me feel quite powerless. That I was out of control and powerless and had no idea what I'd been doing. And so she somehow had the power because she had witnessed what I was unaware of – I had a really strong sense that she had 'seen too much'. That felt very vulnerable. And really shameful.

That stuff about wanting to leave when you're dissociating/triggered...I get that too. Apparently, while I was standing in the corner by the fan feeling terrified, I kept looking towards the door as if I was going to make an escape. And my therapist said that she kept telling me that she didn't think it was a good idea for me to leave now because it wasn't safe for me to get home. I think she was really worried that I was going to fall down the stairs! But I also have a long journey home, including using the underground and trains and walking...so she likes to know that I'm grounded and present when I leave so that I'll be safe. On this occasion, I did stay - I think I was in too much of a state to physically leave as I kept falling over when I stood up (with out leaning against a wall!) Other times though, I have left while I've been dissociating. All she can do is try to ground me and ask me not to leave -– she can't rugby tackle me to the ground and force me to stay. I think that's a difficult situation - for us and for our therapists!

 

[Jen12]

I think it sounds like you have a good relationship with your therapist and that she's very caring and...

My therapist is fantastic, shes is fantastic at hef job. I feel safe in her care, where as my previous therapist never made me feel safe or confident she was able to deal with sessions and what may happen during them (flashbacks & dissociation).

I totally get you, and how you felt after your session as im feeling the exact same way. Im abit aphrehensive to go to my next session incase ive done or said something i shouldnt. I will still go though, but ill be bery nervous. Ill definatly ask my therapist what happened, that way if it happens out of the therapy room infront of someone else ill have a vague idea of what may have happened.

Im so pleased your therapist managed to pursuade you to stay till you where more present. I couldnt imagine getting tubes ect with a long journey in a dissociated state, it would be awful. I drove once conpletely dissociated and found myself in 50mile away from home with my car in the middle of a farmers field. I was absolutly petrified!!

Youve been really really helpful tonight, thank you so much!

 

[barefoot]

I was very reluctant to go to my next session too – and then a couple of weeks later, I very seriously considered giving up therapy altogether.

I'm glad I didn't. I'm glad that I keep going. It's certainly a tough journey...

Hang in there :-)