Self-Harm During Therapy

[piratelady]

What made this different?

He wants to help me achieve my goals, have some wins and successes. If I accomplish something I won’t be able to hate myself as much anymore. The idea that I accomplish something good - anything is terrifying. I need to be a fundamentally flawed person. I need to be broken and he’s trying to take that away from me.

I think maybe I need to just quit therapy for a while. Maybe that would work out better then I’ll be less distressed for a while.

 

[Ronin]

If I accomplish something I won’t be able to hate myself as much anymore.

You sure about this one?

IME success & self loathing can be pretty independent. I get if things work for you differently, just tossing out there some times success or an objective measure of progress does nothing for self loathing. May make it harder, too, in the sum of things not accomplished, while this one was, and all the old should haves coming back to kick ass.

 

[piratelady]

You sure about this one?

I’m not, well I kind of am.

My therapist lets me email parts of my journal to him before session. I’ve found it difficult to talk so this helps him know how I’m coping in between sessions, so he knows what to have us work on. Last week I stupidly included a short journal entry about how disappointed I am with myself. It was essentially a list of those things I hate about myself. It was just a little piece mixed in with my thoughts about our last session.

He said he thought it was great that I wanted to be healthier and stronger and tried to help me find ways in can make progress with those goals. I told him how I would never accomplish them because once I make progress I always sabotage myself. He said that’s ok because then we can talk about it and work through it.

Yesterday, I tried to journal about that to figure out what it is about that that bothers me so much. If I fix those things I hate about myself, it seems like it will be a lot harder to hate myself. The prospect of that is just terrifying to me.

The smart thing would be to talk about this in therapy on Wednesday. Part of me just wants to cancel. At least this would be easier to talk about than the self-harm. Maybe.

 

[piratelady]

After therapy last week, I emailed my therapist (he allows that) and said I didn’t want to work on present day stuff anymore. I also told him I’ve become too reliant on emailing him and I’d like his help talking more in session.

Therapy is on Wednesday. His response to me was he wanted more specifics on what present day stuff I didn’t want to talk about (since I wasn’t specific), but that he wanted to have a conversation about it, not have me email him.

I don’t think I can do it. Two things bother me with this. 1. That’s the topic that lead to the fidgeting gone wrong incident that I don’t want to tell him about. 2. I don’t think I can say aloud all the horrible things I think about myself that made me want to avoid this whole topic in the first place.

I don’t know what to do and the closer therapy gets the more anxious I’m getting.

 

[Sideways]

Going straight from emails to making yourself say things out loud in person is a big leap. Maybe break it up - the goal is to say things out loud, but maybe set to achieve that in stages.

So, for example, writing a draft email, taking it with you, and letting him read it. Then discussing the content.

Or taking written notes, which you can read, or hand over for him to read, depending on hoe you’re going in the moment.

They’re a couple of the strategies I use to address hard topics with my T. I’ll be using that strategy (taking notes) today, to pass on info that my T needs, but which I know I won’t be able to say out loud.

I’ve done that so many times it’s almost my normal! Often I hand over the note and say (now somewhat unnecessarily, since why else would we be doing this in note format!) “I can’t talk about this”. Sometimes I’ve written that on the bottom of the note.

Most often? That particular statement gets met with “Why don’t you want to talk about this?” (or some version). That’s because it’s incredibly helpful to your T to understand not just the topics that are difficult, but the emotions going on for you that are making those topics difficult.

Often I struggle to answer that question - I don’t always know why a particular topic is too hard. Mostly, though? It’s straight up shame. The big ol’ shame monster. Which in my case? Still needs a whole lotta work!!

Just as an aside? Oftentimes, dealing with some of our present-day issues? Is almost indistinguishable from talking about the past. Many times, those 2 things turn out to be the same issue...

 

[piratelady]

He does have some of the information at least, so we’re not starting from scratch. I think it’s verbalizing it that is my problem. It makes it so much more real and emotionally charged than when it’s just in my head.

And verbalizing all the disparaging things about myself that goes on in my head seems wrong. Maybe I can just speak in generalities.

Or taking written notes, which you can read, or hand over for him to read, depending on hoe you’re going in the moment.

I think I’m going to do this. I know there are some things I need to say that I doubt I’ll be able to. Maybe I’ll write those down and then try to still have a conversation after I break the ice that way. It seems like a fair compromise.

Thank you!!