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FreeSoul

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Emotionally Absent Father

As a university student and later at work, I often tried to connect with a professor or a manager to seek advice, suggestions, help with something that wasn’t related to work or education. I just needed someone manly enough to guide me through small issues such as caring for my health. After nearly 7 years of graduating from university, I realised I was looking for a father-like figure, a male role model to seek connection with.

My father always has been emotionally sleeping; as if he is emotionally dead, but physically alive. Surprisingly, he comes to life when he NEEDS to help or guide others of my or my brothers’ age. He has all the time, empathy, knowledge, and mental capacity when it comes to helping those who never cared for him nor did they ask for his help, guidance, assistance, etc.

Surprisingly, such people are so common in my relatives. Fathers ignore their own sons emotionally, and when the sons grow up emotionally abandoned, and the side-effect, usually self-abandonment in education, work, etc., kick in, another elderly male steps in, uninvited, to sort things out. Quite surprisingly, the elderly male figure himself has done to his own sons, the exact same thing that he is trying to help another man’s son with. Another elderly male figure then steps in to help his sons with life issues.

If fathers don’t abandon their sons emotionally, their sons would never end up with need to be guided, counselled, etc. by outsiders.
 
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Yes indeed, and thank you for writing that @FreeSoul. Those without fathers or with emotionally distant fathers are not just at much, much greater risk to be abused by others, but will have a much harder time finding emotional stability in life themselves, whether they are or are not abused.

Let's also talk about mothers. Sons need emotionally available mothers as much as fathers, but society wants boys to separate emotionally from their mothers as soon as they can walk, basically. Boys who can't get and aren't allowed to get emotional support from their family members will grow up very, very confused.
 

FreeSoul

Learning
Those without fathers or with emotionally distant fathers are not just at much, much greater risk to be abused by others, but will have a much harder time finding emotional stability in life themselves, whether they are or are not abused.
Yes, absolutely. I have been experiencing emotional instability, one possible cause is an emotionally absent father. I cannot think straight, and often have lots and lots of anger, suspicion, confusion, doubt, worry, helplessness, etc.
Only recently, during the past 1 year, I realized that I have been craving to be guided, validated, respected by a fatherly figure for my goals, ambitions, decisions, experiences, etc. Though I had been doing this subconsciously for nearly one and a half decade, as I mentioned in the earlier post, but never realized. A big reason for this realization is due to journaling which I took up very seriously since the start of Covid-19.
Let's also talk about mothers. Sons need emotionally available mothers as much as fathers, but society wants boys to separate emotionally from their mothers as soon as they can walk, basically. Boys who can't get and aren't allowed to get emotional support from their family members will grow up very, very confused.
Mothers need to be emotionally available towards boys as much as towards girls; after all, boys too were once a part of the mother, she gave us birth, and we are still humans and need love, care, and emotional support regardless of how old we are.
One difficult thing for me as an adult is I tend to please women, completely strangers, kind of kissing a**, which I possibly do because of my mother being emotionally unavailable. This, I believe is my subconscious way of trying to please my mother so that she would love me and give me emotional care and support. This too, quiet fortunately I realized during the journaling.

Another thing that really bothers me about emotional support for boys is about my nephews who are being neglected by their fathers (my brothers) just like our father neglected us.
I've seen a 13 year old nephew being bullied by a relative, and his father who was present over there, not only didn't do anything to protect his son, but turned away his face and let the bullying continue.
Another nephew, less than a year old would cry and seek his father's attention, but his father, my brother, would continue watching useless and unimportant videos on YouTube.
I sometimes had to step in to protect and babysit my nephews because I couldn't stand them being abused, bullied, neglected, abandoned, etc. just like my father did to me.
Like father, like son.
 
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