General For New Carers - Coming Here Out Of Desperation

[fairywings]

Quite frankly it becomes depressing to read how a Carer is suffering and when experienced members offer advice (which the new Carers are not yet ready to hear) and they go off threatening to leave the forum saying how we don't have any idea.

I'm a sufferer and I've never gotten such a good understanding of
what I'm going through as I have here. I haven't been on long either.

I've had doctors and therapists for a long time and none of them have given me such good advice.

My guess is people sometimes want a quick fix and move on if they can't get it. I've also helped people that didn't really want help but wanted me to save them. That was very discouraging for me. JMO

 

[Serasen]

I am thankful for all the people on this site, carers and sufferers alike. I truly did not know that my marriage and our problems were so like everyone else's on here. I've spent years feeling so alone and not knowing how to deal with all the emotions from I and my H.

(((Big hugs))) to all the carers and sufferers. I hope to learn more about how to strengthen our marriage and become the people we both fell in love with.

 

[amethist]

It takes time and a lot of patience Serasen, but it is possible to get back most of what you had before.

I say most because PTSD does change them, but that does not mean you cannot save your marriage.

Reading and asking questions will help you to support him.

 

[woo-sah]

Some of the best carer advice I've found here has taken time to sink in properly, and even longer to be able to look back with appreciation.

Often, the immediate knee-jerk reaction is to simply resist because that it's not what we wanted to hear; it's not the reality we were hoping for. As we absorb the truth of it and realize the scale of what we are facing, this clears the way for acceptance and even peace.

Just like looking back at any good, hard lesson learned, it was no fun going through it, but later you can reflect and be glad you did learn.

Many Thanks

 

[cali-babe]

Reading the posts and hearing the advice from experienced carers and sufferers has given me tremendous energy to carry on, I would like to thank you all for your open honesty.

 

[LoveHimThroughThis]

I am so mad that I only JUST found this site. I researched PTSD a good bit when we first got together and I suspected that was was going on with him but once we got him set up at the VA and seeking treatment, I figured it was good in the hands of the professionals. (ha)

Well, for sometime now I have known boundaries needed to be put into place as our relationship cannot revolve solely around his issues, and I would need to define clearly what I need and can't/won't tolerate. But have no idea what setting realistic expectations may look like. I am going to read the above mentioned threads and call the VA this morning to see about maybe getting some "couples therapy" in addition to his regular program for the PTSD.

Because I am new here, and there is SO MUCH to read, I am loathe to start a new thread with issues specific to my situation. Because I don't want to ask for information that is already available, and I don't want to post a super whiny thread either! :hilarious:

I will post but, because of my own cognitive issues, it takes a long time for me to get through all the posts. I am sure I will share some of our issues before I am able to fully read all the material offered here but I promise to try and not repeat something.

Like others have said, I am so grateful to find this site. In the little I have had the chance to read thus far, I have learned much, and more importantly, words cannot describe how it feels to read others living pretty much my exact same situation.

I would not run from here because of advice that wasn't easy to hear. I know trying to get some support on support forums for my issues, they all sort of attacked him. Only because they have NO idea about PTSD and love me so of course, he is a bad guy to them. But he isn't a bad guy, he is a wonderful man and worth every bit of the time energy and love this thing will demand of me.

Again, thanks for just being here, like a light in the dark.:inlove:

 

[Renee5624]

It is hard reading that this isn't a curable condition or that those suffering have setbacks. I didn't know my husband before deployment and only had our second face to face after he got out of the military. This is all I know of him. The expectations I had are much different than what I received. He has shown that he is a good man, he can be funny, loving, thoughtful, sincere. Those are the qualities I've seen that keep me pushing. Fear is what does the managed PTSD going to look like?

Will it mean that I will have to continue doing thing I enjoy by myself, but we will communicate more? Or that intimacy will still be infrequent but more passionate? I think also the biggest pill to swallow is accepting that I may really have to walk away in order to do the right thing for both of us. Another one is not knowing when if/things can get better, how slowly the process can take, will I even recognize it?

 

[HopeForever]

Thanks so much for posting this! I am a full time carer of my live in boyfriend/friend. I do the slash, because it goes back and forth. When he is proud and happy of himself, I'm his girlfriend. When he is feeling lousy, I am his best friend. He's not proud of the way that he can't always be loving and open with me, so he reverts back to being my friend..I just go with it for now, but it is a learning experience along the way!

 

[acp<3elm]

Nicolette-

As always thanks for your honesty. Some people don't realize that I am a sufferer and a carer. Before I was diagnosed recently - my daughter was diagnosed 4 years ago with PTSD. She was hospitalized within several months of her diagnosis. It was a tough time - believe me I understand. My 18 yr old beautiful daughter was falling apart in front of me.

I made all of the errors - you've mentioned and then some. I was tip-toeing around her, allowing her to mistreat me, giving 100% unguided sympathy - you name it - I did it. Then finally one day - I realized that SHE had to decide to help herself - all I could do was "support" her along the process.

Now - our relationship is wonderful. She still lives at home, has a job, pays her bills, and is open and honest about her feelings, triggers, and emotions. What changed? How I was treating her and the fact that I set boundaries of what I would tolerate.

When I give advice - I truly try to give it from both perspectives, as open and honest as possible.

 

[acp<3elm]

Sympathy and tippy toeing around on egg shells does not help a Sufferer plus it pulls a Carer down to such a level where they lose perspective and begin to think that love can cure all or lose their self esteem.

I think this site is guided by angels :) I'm not sure how I even found it, as I wasn't looking but I know I was led to be here. This is exactly what I am living (if you could call it that). My lovable, handsome, giving, intelligent son has spent the last several years of his life as someone so hateful, abusive and a completely different person just wasting his life away and tormenting the lives of those that love him. I am so tired of being mistreated. No more eggshells for me, thank you all. I do not want to enable this life any further. I realized tonight after spending my entire weekend absorbed in trying to help him and when approached he doesn't care. I am going to set boundaries tonight and leave him a note in the morning when I leave. (My family is fearful for my safety, though they love him dearly it is this bad.) I don't know whether to face him personally as opposed to a note, or possibly some sort of intervention? I don't now what is best. Any suggestions?

Thank you to admin and all who have posted here. Much appreciation. acp<3elm