For Those Without Family, How Do You Spend Christmas?

[Let It Be]

I have spent my holidays alone for many years now. I will do something special for me because it only comes around once a year. I decorate my home, etc. It still affects me though when I hear stories about how others have spent the day with their family.

I used to drive lots of miles to see my family. I finally realized when I would want the weather to be bad, for it to snow, etc. that I could no longer see them. It truly was in my best interest to stay where I lived.

In fact after starting therapy, it was suggested that my co-workers give me a Xmas in July party because of what happened to me when I did go home over the holidays. I'm so glad that they did this for me because I have good memories of that time compared to the other ones.

 

[Changing4Best]

Tonight I put some beans to soak and will make a big crock pot of bean soup for myself. I eat lunch at the local Senior Center most weekdays, which costs 50 cents. 2 friends of mine agreed to have me over for Christmas dinner, when I kind of invited myself. I am a widow and my family lives far away. I will call my family on Christmas day though. I have other close friends that I call on holidays too, ones that I once lived close to.

I will go for the Christmas Eve Service at my church, and I am religious, so the holiday is very important to me. I don't know what I would do without my church. Most of my friends go there, and the others I have met at the Senior Center.

There is a nursing home down the block from me, so I do sometimes go there to visit folks. I like the idea of going there to eat with them. I have never done that before. I will check into it sometime. Right now, a friend of mine is in there recovering from a broken hip. She is in Rehab. She's up to sitting up the whole day now and is walking with a walker under supervision. I go to visit her every few days. I offered to buy a Christmas present for her to give to her boyfriend. We finally decided upon some summer sausage and a card. I hope to bring it to her tomorrow.

I live in a small town and I don't own a car. So I walk around a lot, visiting local merchants and eating out sometimes, just to be around people. I like stopping to chat with the store owners and other shoppers. Of course on Christmas day itself this will not be possible, but during this shopping season it is. I like going to the Library and reading in the magazine room. It is a sunny room and is pleasant to sit in. Others come into it and read too, but sometimes we strike up a conversation instead, like they too are looking for some company. There are others who are lonely too. You can find them if you look for them. They welcome some company as well as I do.

I live in an apartment building, so I have neighbors who are also friends here. I can always go knock on a door and be invited in and we can chat. Whenever I hear folks talking out in the hallway, I go out and chat with them for awhile too.

 

[Powder]

After thinking about this initial question and post, I see something else that I think will balance my earlier idea of taking positive action. To be honest, after being in recovery from a toxic family of origin with no contact for years, I have to admit that under certain circumstances, the best thing to do when one has lost something is to actively grieve it before one can be expected to "move onto" more proactive methods. It really depends on where a person is at in the process of acceptance of what's been done and what has been taken away. This must be acknowledged before it is clear what is gained and what new growth and new life is still waiting to be lived.

For those who just feel that they are stuck, perhaps it is because there is some self-validation that is still needed. I know that has happened to me with anger and sadness and horror feelings that I had previously "pushed away" and didn't let myself process.

This article I will link here is about the fact that our culture has shamed us for feeling a healthy form of self-pity, which is actually self-validation and a form of acceptance. I think anyone who is being told by their therapist that they are "stuck" needs to read something like this. Basically, stuck means you have not given yourself permission to feel something 100% and are not processing it to the point of catharsis or release.

That said, even when something is processed or you go so deep into it that you pop out the other side, keep in mind that you'll never be "cured" of your past or its scars. But it will never haunt you or be out of your range of management as much as when you are stuck blocking it and locked in a permanent arm-wrestling match with yourself over whether or not to allow a feeling that is, well, just there and pretty darn negative and energy-draining.

I hope that anyone who is emotionally blocked will find a way to accept and validate as "good" or "normal" or whatever word you alight on to finally approve of yourself and your emotion as if it were a friend's. If you are stuck, see yourself as if you were a good friend: how would you feel for him or her? Now turn that compassion onto yourself and feel the sadness for yourself and the pity for yourself as if you were that friend. Now you can practice loving your "friend-self" who you create as a container to fill with love and self-compassion. When full, you will have more love to give others and be stronger, in time.

http://www.pete-walker.com/recoverySelfpity.htm

For those grieving while everyone else is celebrating, you're not wrong to do so if it's needed at this time. Embrace yourself and find that love is within always, no matter who else is around or not. I bless your recovery and thank you for sharing this question for us to discuss.

Muse

 

[Ronin]

I've broken ties with most of my biological family, and currently don't have bio children of my own, so not quite sure if that works as being of population this question is aimed at. That said, being with people that are my family in other sense works for me. Feeling lucky there's still enough of them. That despite months long pauses we're still alright with one another.
When I'm very much in the 'don't want to see a single soul', doing things that make me close to happy. Listening to music, watching movies, doing art, things like that. Not necessarily focusing on grounding, just taking things slow.

 

[Powder]

Taking life slow and being present are challenges for me. Kaia, I think this is an accomplishment in itself. I'm not there yet. Thanks for sharing.

 

[Changing4Best]

I just found out that my favorite coffee shop will be closed Christmas day only, but open as usual the rest of the season. I plan to go there sometimes first thing in the morning and enjoy some coffee and a muffin. (Last year they were closed for the season, so I am elated!). The place has real atmosphere. I much prefer it to MacDonald's (MD's). Whereas MD's is bright and noisy and sometimes even has TVs playing different channels plus their piped in music, my favorite coffee shop just has one speaker playing some peaceful jazz music on it. The folks that frequent it have a certain feel to them that differs greatly to those in MD's. They are my kind of folks!

 

[Leigh925]

@Muse thank you for posting that article. It was exactly what I needed to read tonight.

@Nyssa I always find it so comforting to be around animals. They give such unconditional love. Here the local animal shelter always needs volunteers on Christmas to help with the animals. I wonder if there might be something like that in your area. They are always so appreciative and happy to have people to help.

 

[Let It Be]

After being at the store and seeing so many people there, filling there carts full, it is starting to hit me.

The countdown has begun and I can tell I have some more grieiving to do. I can also tell how much work I have done on myself to get to this place. I will think of of something I want to eat so I can treat myself, but as I get older, it does get harder to not have a family.

 

[Changing4Best]

... it does get harder to not have a family.

Mine live so far away that they never come to see me nor can I go visit them. So I feel for you. My hubby has passed and we were not able to have children, so the holidays, all year long each one, are hard on me. I definitely can relate to your feeling the way you do.

I am glad that I have an invitation to Christmas dinner with friends. In fact, I kind of hinted that I sure would love to get invited somewhere and they heard what I was really saying, and invited me! If you have friends that you might want to be with on the holiday, let them know you will be alone and that you miss having folks to celebrate with (if you don't feel like being alone). Grieving is OK too, and I've been there, where I was not up to visiting on the holiday yet, but if you can, try not to be alone for the whole day.

 

[Nyssa]

Hey all,

Reading your posts, I've decided to volunteer.

It's not that easy to find something around here, when you are not already part of a charity organisation. Not in the french culture I guess... which sucks.
A few years back, I had contacted an organisation for Christmas. They told me they didn't want the help of people like me who wait for Christmas to suddenly think about others. I agreed I was one of those people, but still I found the judgement quite harsh... and it kept me from trying to offer my help for years. Until this thread.

I found an organisation that was looking for help for Christmas. They offer company to old and lonely people. So I'll be driving an old woman to an event at a restaurant on the 24th at lunch. Nothing is planned for Christmas eve, or on the 25th.

I've been mopping a lot about me being alone lately. I think I'm done with it. For now. It doesn't get me anywhere.

Acknowledging my sadness and mourning my numerous losses is probably healthy and useful. Loosing myself in despair and pity is not. I slip so easily from one to the other, it's depressing.

 

[Let It Be]

My neighbor who runs a daycare center next door has been over twice today. The first time, she brought over a box of homemade goodies to eat which were so good.

She has just come over again with a plate of food that she cooked for her dinner and wanted to share some with me.

Of course, knowing that I had no place to go today, I am standing there at the door with my robe on.

This is hard for me. Someone unconditionally being nice and extending themselves, like she did. She knew I was alone and thought of me.

 

[SweetPeaandSunBird]

I know this is untimely since both Xmas and New Year's have come and gone, but I appreciate this topic. I live states away from my family -- estranged for the most part besides pleasant, safe topics by phone. I'm 45 without children and in a state where I have no roots. My boyfriend is from the area where I have transplanted myself -- this region knows his entire stages of life and friendships. Though I appreciated his friends and daughters, they have all known each other and have not moved far away from one another. I'm spiritual but not Christian, so that since of belonging is really phantasmal for me.

I try to focus on preparing the next semester -- I teach. And, loving on my pet friends. This year of holidays has been harder -- the grey days and cold make getting out even tougher.

I journal, though. And...everyday I write down three things -- whether big or small -- that I'm thankful for. That seems to help. Also, as a witness-less victim, I remind myself that the trees, sky, etc. are my family, too -- and always there and have been witness to victimization and survivorhood.

May we all have renewed energy to make 2015 produce daily successes for us -- big or small.