Poll For Women - Have You Ever Jeopardized Your Children's Safety For A Man?

[Deleted member 5760]

A thread I created to see how women really feel when they favour a possibly violent male partner over children.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Well...I answered this in complete honesty.

I don't have any children. But I stayed with my rapist when I was pregnant with his child. I put up with him and hoped to change him for the sake of that child. And putting me and the child in harms way. I thought him knowing I was pregnant would make him snap out of it.

I don't know how I feel about it all now. I am still angry at myself for a lot of things. And staying when it was so bad is one of them. My T always told me that if I had stayed, my rapist or me would have killed the other. Regardless if there was a child or not. My T is right...I would kill him or anyone else now that tried to hurt me like that again. I have changed a lot. But...

Things happen for a reason. But when I think back to that, I am also PAINFULLY aware that I am responsible for my actions. And I should have done more, should have thought different....

Lots of What if's and If I's....

 

[Deleted member 5760]

I'd like to clarify something - this poll is not about winning or losing. It's also not about indicting anyone who has made a mistake. My own mother would not be able to tick 'no' and yet she is one of my heroes. So go ahead, vote. Let's get some REAL numbers happening here because otherwise, how does research get anywhere?

 

[intothelight]

SJ,

For me, the guilt I have for putting my children in harms way is one of the tougher points I deal with. From the framework of domestic violence, or more appropriately intimate partner violence (happens a lot with same sex couples and researches are only beginning to acknowledge this), the dynamics of the relationship and the mindset of the victimized partner have shed a lot of light on the "why" of my response. Also, the dynamics of a violent relationship are not limited to the primary victim, but effect the dynamics of the entire family. The way control is developed, maintained and then even extended through other family members is eye-opening to say the least.

With that said, it is important for everyone to understand why they acted the way the did, in order to develop healthy relationships. The biggest lie that I ever bought into was I could protect my children from HIM. By giving him more control, I allowed him to have a greater power and influence over our entire family.

So I cannot undo what was done; but I can work based upon my experience to break the cycle with my own children and work within the community with groups that help of people break the cycle.

 

[Deleted member 5760]

ITL - Please don't address your responses to me. This is a poll. If you would like to start a poll about same/sex or woman/man abuse then go ahead. At this point I'd like the focus to be on the question asked.

I do appreciate your honest answer.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

I think you've hit a very soft spot, Jen. I'm sure you know that. I think I even had a dream about this last night.

It's hard to say yes to something like this and not feel like you HAVE to explain yourself. It's wrong, in ever sense of the word to put something innocent in harms way. Especially from someone who has already hurt us! So no real surprise when they do it again...

But that's the point, of this poll right? The why, the feelings...The data.

 

[Deleted member 5760]

I think I've absolutely hit a soft spot (shhhhhhhhhh) ayesha..

Perhaps that is why there are so few answers. Yup, and why we might never get real numbers. YUP.... you know what they say about trauma therapy ---- it's all about... well, the truth really.... apparently... really... apparently...

This thread is NOT about guilt... it's about giving an HONEST ANSWER.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

I will think about this all day, and get back to you later with more...guilt.

I think that's a good thing, have to work through some feelings! :)

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Ok...I'll come back with more of a honest answer. Because I feel there is more to say. Not about why I did it, or how I could have stopped it...but what the poll is about.

I think its a very good topic!

 

[Innordinate]

This is women only so I'm not going to actually vote in the poll. If I could vote for my wife I'd say she's putting our kids in harms way by being with me.
Maybe thats part of the soft spot. Living with someone who has PTSD is dangerous so every wife who's husband is dx PTSD is putting their kids at risk. Maybe it's an individual thing though and not everyone's an A-hole like I am, I dont know.
Nothings happened with my kids yet but the key word is 'yet'.
I think my wife is delusional and thinks nothing ever will or I won't be so violent at times.
So I cast an unofficial vote for my wife. "Yes" and maybe she doesn't WANT to realize it.

 

[becvan]

Hmm I'm the only one who answered straight up yes? Yes I put my son at extreme risk due to an abusive guy. I'm most certainly not proud of it and wouldn't ever put up with that crap ever again. I used to have guilt over it. My son does have PTSD due to it.. so mom and son with it. However I learned to work through those feelings and LEARN. I know now the reasons why. Lack of understanding the risks of abuse, growing up being abused, not understanding witnessing domestic violence harms children etc... There is SOOOO much to why we do it or don't realize it.

For those of you who haven't answered this poll yet, please remember what is really important is that we learn from our mistakes. Guilt isn't going to help us one little bit. We all have to learn to break the cycle of violence and it CAN start with us. That is something to be proud of.

bec

 

[Jade-]

I voted yes. I'm not sure how to comment though because of this...

At this point I'd like the focus to be on the question asked.

and this

it's about giving an HONEST ANSWER

So I will just stick with 'yes' and say nothing else.