KP the nut
VIP Member
Srain, brilliant idea, yes email, that would be a good non confrontational way and maybe copy in your supportive boss. That way the boss sees you are trying to help her understand.
Again as Srain suggests, chat to your T.
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Forced To Take Leave From My Job
- Post starter maddog
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Srain, brilliant idea, yes email, that would be a good non confrontational way and maybe copy in your supportive boss. That way the boss sees you are trying to help her understand.
Again as Srain suggests, chat to your T.
Eleanor
Diamond Member
((((((maddog)))))) what an awful, foundation rocking situation. I couldn't possibly say anything of practical value beyond what others have said, and am deeply relieved that your T and boss are on the side of the angels here. And an angel is precisely what you are in my book. At the risk of being redundant - it is likely worth pointing out (as I make these kinds of mistakes about myself on a regular basis) for those of us who are particularly competent in our fully functional state - we can fall A Long Way and still be right around average. So what feels like abject failure... may just be par for the course. Something to keep in mind.
Or, maybe I do have something to add. I have a colleague (who thinks he is my boss, and is - sort of - sorry to be so cryptic, but I teach and he is an administrator in one of the programs I teach for so its a bit complicated) who I have had problems with for years. He just doesn't like me, or is compelled to find fault or something. Anyway he is uncannily good at pushing my parent/ex-husband buttons. It finally got bad enough (he sent me some nagging emails about a syllabus and cc'd my new DEAN!!! grrr.) that I brought it to my T, who said "oh goody, a chance to Practice!" or something annoying like that. Anyway, she had me say my piece to him (at her) then write it all down. Then write (and not send!!!) some flaming emails back. Then I could write a rational response. Which I did (cc'd the Dean too, what the hell?). Then, wonder of wonders, he writes a Totally Flaming and Inappropriate email back (cc to the Dean!). To which I replied, simply "What would you like me to do?" (Smug satisfaction as I cc'd the Dean on that one.) He hasn't bothered me since. And the Dean thinks I'm cool. Hah. Take that assholes of the world.:ninja: Is it possible this is an opportunity for you to "Practice" as my T says? I'm not saying you should do anything other than be kind and gentle with yourself and get all the rest you need. I'm just wondering if there might be a touch of... dare I say Fun, to be had here at the end of the processing of feelings?:sneaky:
Or, maybe I do have something to add. I have a colleague (who thinks he is my boss, and is - sort of - sorry to be so cryptic, but I teach and he is an administrator in one of the programs I teach for so its a bit complicated) who I have had problems with for years. He just doesn't like me, or is compelled to find fault or something. Anyway he is uncannily good at pushing my parent/ex-husband buttons. It finally got bad enough (he sent me some nagging emails about a syllabus and cc'd my new DEAN!!! grrr.) that I brought it to my T, who said "oh goody, a chance to Practice!" or something annoying like that. Anyway, she had me say my piece to him (at her) then write it all down. Then write (and not send!!!) some flaming emails back. Then I could write a rational response. Which I did (cc'd the Dean too, what the hell?). Then, wonder of wonders, he writes a Totally Flaming and Inappropriate email back (cc to the Dean!). To which I replied, simply "What would you like me to do?" (Smug satisfaction as I cc'd the Dean on that one.) He hasn't bothered me since. And the Dean thinks I'm cool. Hah. Take that assholes of the world.:ninja: Is it possible this is an opportunity for you to "Practice" as my T says? I'm not saying you should do anything other than be kind and gentle with yourself and get all the rest you need. I'm just wondering if there might be a touch of... dare I say Fun, to be had here at the end of the processing of feelings?:sneaky:
- Post starter
- #27
All good points to think about yet again.
In terms of her requiring me to "explain it", she wasn't specifically asking in relation to PTSD itself, though I suppose indirectly she was asking for an explanation as to why the symptoms are what they are. For example, she referred to the fact that she felt that in spite of her "having done everything she could", I still "refused" to communicate with her about what is "wrong" with me... "explain to me why that's the case...?"
And then she said that everyone had been extremely accommodating with me for a long time, yet I still seemed unable or unwilling to improve... "explain it to me Maddog?"
Etc etc etc.
I'm not sure how interested she would be in receiving cold hard facts, as I don't think she has any genuine or constructive interest in being educated at all. I also strongly suspect that she is a darn sight more educated already than she chooses to acknowledge - she is very bright and tends to go out of her way to inform herself on things that she intends to take issue with, a clever example of the knowledge being power concept, and there's nothing that DJ won't do for a bit of power.
When T spoke to her about my "sad little story..." a couple of months ago, I know he did explain some of the key aspects of PTSD to her and their relevance to some of my behaviours and situation.
Still, if only on principle, I think there is merit in providing her with some written info, and the power of the CC button is always a good suggestion at a time like this.
Eleanor, your T and mine should get together and think of novel ways in which they can make us "practice" doing life. Mine gets this almost fiendish glow of anticipatry excitement whenever this sort of thing happens - he loves to boisterously tell me that this is "all good stuff..." in a way which is designed to both energise and irritate me!
I am always oversensitive and tend to worry (just for something different) about the fact that T is our workplace psychologist and therefore has some level of involvement with all of us (we are all routinely psych tested for work-rlated reasons, so he knows all of us personally, in addition to any contact over and above the required minimum). Having said that, ironically, DJ is exempt from mandatory testing due to her supervisory non-operational position and so he actually doesn't know her at all, except for the contact he has had with her as my supervisor.
Still, it's an interesting further dynamic in all of this which I am always conscious of when I find myself discussing work matters and work people with him, though in truth he manages all of this with a degree of professionalism and apparently seamless ease which absolutely awes me - it can't be easy and there are so many potential conflicts of interest in what he does that many people would shy away simply as a means of risk aversion, but he seems to take all of it in stride.
When I spoke to T on Wednesday, he said that my boss intended to call me before the end of the week and probably to actualy come and visit me one day next week, presumably to discuss this situation and the where to from here. Today is the last day of the work week, so if he's going to call it will probably be today... it's hard to admit how sick I feel about all of this, yet again.
Maddog
In terms of her requiring me to "explain it", she wasn't specifically asking in relation to PTSD itself, though I suppose indirectly she was asking for an explanation as to why the symptoms are what they are. For example, she referred to the fact that she felt that in spite of her "having done everything she could", I still "refused" to communicate with her about what is "wrong" with me... "explain to me why that's the case...?"
And then she said that everyone had been extremely accommodating with me for a long time, yet I still seemed unable or unwilling to improve... "explain it to me Maddog?"
Etc etc etc.
I'm not sure how interested she would be in receiving cold hard facts, as I don't think she has any genuine or constructive interest in being educated at all. I also strongly suspect that she is a darn sight more educated already than she chooses to acknowledge - she is very bright and tends to go out of her way to inform herself on things that she intends to take issue with, a clever example of the knowledge being power concept, and there's nothing that DJ won't do for a bit of power.
When T spoke to her about my "sad little story..." a couple of months ago, I know he did explain some of the key aspects of PTSD to her and their relevance to some of my behaviours and situation.
Still, if only on principle, I think there is merit in providing her with some written info, and the power of the CC button is always a good suggestion at a time like this.
Eleanor, your T and mine should get together and think of novel ways in which they can make us "practice" doing life. Mine gets this almost fiendish glow of anticipatry excitement whenever this sort of thing happens - he loves to boisterously tell me that this is "all good stuff..." in a way which is designed to both energise and irritate me!
I am always oversensitive and tend to worry (just for something different) about the fact that T is our workplace psychologist and therefore has some level of involvement with all of us (we are all routinely psych tested for work-rlated reasons, so he knows all of us personally, in addition to any contact over and above the required minimum). Having said that, ironically, DJ is exempt from mandatory testing due to her supervisory non-operational position and so he actually doesn't know her at all, except for the contact he has had with her as my supervisor.
Still, it's an interesting further dynamic in all of this which I am always conscious of when I find myself discussing work matters and work people with him, though in truth he manages all of this with a degree of professionalism and apparently seamless ease which absolutely awes me - it can't be easy and there are so many potential conflicts of interest in what he does that many people would shy away simply as a means of risk aversion, but he seems to take all of it in stride.
When I spoke to T on Wednesday, he said that my boss intended to call me before the end of the week and probably to actualy come and visit me one day next week, presumably to discuss this situation and the where to from here. Today is the last day of the work week, so if he's going to call it will probably be today... it's hard to admit how sick I feel about all of this, yet again.
Maddog
KP the nut
VIP Member
(((Maddog))), I wish I could say something oh, I don't know. Sorry more than a bit PTSD cup overflowing.
Anyway, I am thinking of you, just very inarticulate at the moment.
((HUGS))
Anyway, I am thinking of you, just very inarticulate at the moment.
((HUGS))
- Post starter
- #29
Thanks KP, sometimes there just aren't really any words, I truly know that. And yeah, while it mightn't seem like it, I am acutely aware that probably all of this could be summarised as an enormous and seemingly endless overflow of the old stress cup... damn undersized little thing, why is everything getting smaller and less economical thesedays!!
My boss just called me a little while ago. Damn damn damn, why do some people, 2 people at least, have this unbelievable inconceivable ability to just reduce me to tears of grief and shame in a moment. My boss is one of them.
We didn't resolve much really. He's going to come out and see me next week to talk about how and when to get me back to work and what we need to do to make that happen. He was very neutral and noncommittal about what had happened, which shouldn't surprise me of course, though somehow, quite unfairly given his position, I guess I wanted some validation from him, or some acknowledgement of the complexity of what had happened... and I didn't really get it.
I do know how unfair and egocentric that is though - sometimes the intensity of those out-of-the-blue frantic feelings of neediness really catches me off guard, and it's so incompatible with the way I feel most of the time that it's really disconcerting. It's as though I spend most of my life consumed by the shame and failure of myself and my contribution to the world, and then suddenly, randomly, I'll feel this wash of desperate pounding violated rage that makes me want to hate and blame everyone for everything until the hurt goes away.
I know I need to hold onto his resolute intention to get me back to work asap, and to try to believe that that will all somehow make it ok.
But how do I cope with the horrific, irrational, frozen terror I feel when I think about facing DJ again, not to mention the fact that I will do this alone, without T, who is going away tomorrow for a month.
Damn damn damn, why does this all hurt so intolerably.
I am so so tired, so wrung out and broken with emotion.
My boss just called me a little while ago. Damn damn damn, why do some people, 2 people at least, have this unbelievable inconceivable ability to just reduce me to tears of grief and shame in a moment. My boss is one of them.
We didn't resolve much really. He's going to come out and see me next week to talk about how and when to get me back to work and what we need to do to make that happen. He was very neutral and noncommittal about what had happened, which shouldn't surprise me of course, though somehow, quite unfairly given his position, I guess I wanted some validation from him, or some acknowledgement of the complexity of what had happened... and I didn't really get it.
I do know how unfair and egocentric that is though - sometimes the intensity of those out-of-the-blue frantic feelings of neediness really catches me off guard, and it's so incompatible with the way I feel most of the time that it's really disconcerting. It's as though I spend most of my life consumed by the shame and failure of myself and my contribution to the world, and then suddenly, randomly, I'll feel this wash of desperate pounding violated rage that makes me want to hate and blame everyone for everything until the hurt goes away.
I know I need to hold onto his resolute intention to get me back to work asap, and to try to believe that that will all somehow make it ok.
But how do I cope with the horrific, irrational, frozen terror I feel when I think about facing DJ again, not to mention the fact that I will do this alone, without T, who is going away tomorrow for a month.
Damn damn damn, why does this all hurt so intolerably.
I am so so tired, so wrung out and broken with emotion.
Eleanor
Diamond Member
(((((maddog))))) just hugs for tonight. Wishing you sweet dreams and a restful nights sleep.:sleep:
KP the nut
VIP Member
(((Maddog))), try and visualise putting this into a mental 'box'. It is a technique my T taught me, I visualise putting what I can't deal with/do anything about into a box in my mind. I see myself opening the box, placing each thought in and then locking the box securely. When the thought try and come back I tell them they are in the box and I will deal with them when ready.
This technique helped me a lot when I was appealing my redundancy.
This is one you need to think about carefully. I know from experience that going back and doing to much will bring you down again. You haven't worked for a while and the impact both physically and mentally will be immense. Would a phased return help and be allowed? I began back by only doing 2 mornings a week for a couple of weeks, I then did 2 slightly longer days for a couple of weeks, then 2 of the longer day with an extra morning. Build up slowly and at your pace if possible.
Love
KP
This technique helped me a lot when I was appealing my redundancy.
This is one you need to think about carefully. I know from experience that going back and doing to much will bring you down again. You haven't worked for a while and the impact both physically and mentally will be immense. Would a phased return help and be allowed? I began back by only doing 2 mornings a week for a couple of weeks, I then did 2 slightly longer days for a couple of weeks, then 2 of the longer day with an extra morning. Build up slowly and at your pace if possible.
Love
KP
- Post starter
- #33
It feels a little like coming home to someone to come home to these messages!!
KP, you were asking about a phased return to work? I imagine this could be a viable option, it can and does happen at our work and is probably something that T and my boss and i could facilitate, or it may require involvement of our occupational health and safety manager/injury management coordinator, or whatever the heck that position is called thesedays. I hope not... would prefer not to involve anyone else, but realistically this might be something worth considering. In truth it's something I should have considered long before now, it's not as though any of this is new to me and arguably, something was always going to happen to topple this precarious little pedestal over.
Have just been to see my psychiatrist tonight. I told him the story, reluctantly I'm afraid to say, but in truthful detail in the end. He was mortified and quite furious, which took me by surprise somewhat. He wants to phone my boss next week to discuss options...
The angry terrified part of me who feels as though this is blowing into an enormous storm very quickly wanted to say no. The practical part of me who thinks that all of my support team should be on the same page here said yes.
I said yes... don't feel good about it for now, but am trying to just let that be.
I need to start scooping all of this into one of those mental boxes for a few days. There is enough else to manage and to think about and as you have all said, I can't solve this tonight, or even tomorrow...
Maddog
KP, you were asking about a phased return to work? I imagine this could be a viable option, it can and does happen at our work and is probably something that T and my boss and i could facilitate, or it may require involvement of our occupational health and safety manager/injury management coordinator, or whatever the heck that position is called thesedays. I hope not... would prefer not to involve anyone else, but realistically this might be something worth considering. In truth it's something I should have considered long before now, it's not as though any of this is new to me and arguably, something was always going to happen to topple this precarious little pedestal over.
Have just been to see my psychiatrist tonight. I told him the story, reluctantly I'm afraid to say, but in truthful detail in the end. He was mortified and quite furious, which took me by surprise somewhat. He wants to phone my boss next week to discuss options...
The angry terrified part of me who feels as though this is blowing into an enormous storm very quickly wanted to say no. The practical part of me who thinks that all of my support team should be on the same page here said yes.
I said yes... don't feel good about it for now, but am trying to just let that be.
I need to start scooping all of this into one of those mental boxes for a few days. There is enough else to manage and to think about and as you have all said, I can't solve this tonight, or even tomorrow...
Maddog
lil_fighter
Silver Member
Hi Maddog
Im new here and have been reading your thread because I can relate to it in terms of being off work due to PTSD. I think that if your psychiatrist reacted that way, he is doing so with good reason and that you have been very strong to agree to letting him discuss options with your boss because you had to resist that other part of you that wanted to say 'no'. Being practical about this is the way forward as the workplace is practical not emotional as you have experienced and quite often tactlessness isn't their thing or an ability to understand and empathise. The support of your psychiatrist is great and Im sure that things will be just fine as long as you have that support.
I know today is New Year's Eve and I'd like to wish you a Happy New Year for 2012 in advance, I hope that your work situation becomes easier and that you wil continue to be positive and strong as you are clearly a strong person from what I have read.
All the best :)
Im new here and have been reading your thread because I can relate to it in terms of being off work due to PTSD. I think that if your psychiatrist reacted that way, he is doing so with good reason and that you have been very strong to agree to letting him discuss options with your boss because you had to resist that other part of you that wanted to say 'no'. Being practical about this is the way forward as the workplace is practical not emotional as you have experienced and quite often tactlessness isn't their thing or an ability to understand and empathise. The support of your psychiatrist is great and Im sure that things will be just fine as long as you have that support.
I know today is New Year's Eve and I'd like to wish you a Happy New Year for 2012 in advance, I hope that your work situation becomes easier and that you wil continue to be positive and strong as you are clearly a strong person from what I have read.
All the best :)
- Post starter
- #35
Thanks so much Lil-Fighter. I have been away for a few days and only just saw your message now, but your words of support, and the ongoing support of everyone here, do make this somehow that little bit easier.
I am waiting to meet with my boss, hopefully within the next couple of days, re this whole situation and where to from here. While I have been away, I suspect my psychiatrist will have met with my boss (I will likely get confirmation of this fact from both of them sooner rather than later) and so I am yet to learn what passed between them.
The anxiety about all of this feels as though it has festered into some sort of toxic growth - the long lag time over Christmas/New Year was always going to be bad for me, and quite frankly I just don't know how i feel about any of it yet.
Will update everyone when I know more.
Maddog
I am waiting to meet with my boss, hopefully within the next couple of days, re this whole situation and where to from here. While I have been away, I suspect my psychiatrist will have met with my boss (I will likely get confirmation of this fact from both of them sooner rather than later) and so I am yet to learn what passed between them.
The anxiety about all of this feels as though it has festered into some sort of toxic growth - the long lag time over Christmas/New Year was always going to be bad for me, and quite frankly I just don't know how i feel about any of it yet.
Will update everyone when I know more.
Maddog
Meadowsweet
Diamond Member
You're in my thoughts ((((Maddog))))
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