Relationship Forgetting The Past....

[mary jones]

So this is something my husband keeps telling me he wants me to do. He says everything will be ok if I could just forget the past. Uhm why, so you can keep verbally abusing me in front of our kids? Is this a normal thing with PTSD? Or is he again using it as an excuse to keep doing what he's doing and acting like he's been acting? I know you all don't know him, but was wondering if this was a common "thing" with PTSD or if it's just him.

Thanks!

 

[simplekindofgirl]

I think, at least for me, there have been times when I have thought and said that I just want to forget the past, or I would want to go back and re-write it the past.

But there is truth in needing to let go of the anger or_____ (chose your word) over the events of the past if you intend to move forward. Example- if you are choosing to be with a man who has in the past become violent, and you have decided to make it work based on his willingness to not do it again and to seek help, then you can not always remind him of what he did. It can sometimes hinder his progress. This is different for different people, some people can face it while others cannot. Maybe family therapy to work out the correct approach?

Please do not take it the wrong way when I say this, but you could just tell him that you are absolutely willing to forget the past if he is continues to fix himself in the present so that he doesn't ruin your future.

 

[mary jones]

I agree with you, but that is where the problem is. He isn't willing to work on anything. He says he has thought about things and I just need to stop harping on what happened in the "past". But that is the kicker. I don't bring up the past until AFTER or DURING a fight. That is when I tell him I can't do this anymore and it keeps happening. That he needs help. He then replies if I would just forget it, then we can move on. But it freaking keeps happening! At this point he isn't willing to get any help, he puts it all on me that I am the one that changed and I am the one that needs to fix it all and I need to just let everything roll off my back.

But I see that as hypocritical because if I have "changed" isn't he comparing my "past" to present? Also, like I said, I don't bring up the past until a fight. When I say this has to stop. It keeps happening. He just won't go to counseling by himself. Just so frustrating because I see a pattern and I know it won't change until he gets help, which he refuses to do. I am just trying to figure this out. I can't go back unless things change, but how do you move on without bringing up the past?

Please do not take it the wrong way when I say this, but you could just tell him that you are absolutely willing to forget the past if he is continues to fix himself in the present so that he doesn't ruin your future.

I like this. Though he isn't doing anything to work on himself, I will be using a form of this to tell him that unless he does we are gone.

Thanks!