Forgiveness Letters

[Kubash16]

Have you ever written one to your abuser(s)?

This is in the context that the forgiveness isn’t necessarily for the abuser but for yourself.

But I’m struggling. I’m procrastinating hard and when I try to think of writing anything, nothing comes up. I don’t feel any forgiveness for anyone. I’m still too angry.

I don’t deserve forgiveness for my part. I should have been smarter, stronger, less naive, wiser, able to know that what was happening was wrong rather then going along with whatever some old guy wanted. I should have fought. Because of that I don’t deserve any kind of mercy or forgiveness.

 

[Cypress]

I can't imagine ever writing a forgiveness letter to my abusers. I don't think they deserve it.

I do think about writing a forgiveness letter to myself. I'm working toward self-compassion in small bits here and there. Its hard.

It sound like you still have a lot of self-blame too. Maybe forgive yourself first and then decide if forgiving your abusers will matter to your mental health.

 

[Kubash16]

My T wants me to try it to help let go of some of my anger, like putting it to rest. She suggested it a few weeks ago and I keep dragging my feet. She said it’s okay if I don’t feel like it will help and don’t want to do it but I feel obligated to at least try. But I can’t do it.

 

[bellbird]

I can’t do it.

Can you tell her this?

I don’t deserve forgiveness for my part.

I should have been smarter, stronger, less naive, wiser, able to know that what was happening was wrong rather then going along with whatever some old guy wanted.

I should have fought.

I don’t deserve any kind of mercy or forgiveness.

Maybe it would be a better use of time and energy to approach working through this from a different angle, rather than a forgiveness letter, given the above feelings are still so strong?

 

[Kubash16]

I tried telling her, then my mouth dug me a hole of I will try again. I’m so, I don’t know, afraid of disappointing her? Which isn’t logical because I know for a fact she isn’t going to be mad. But feeling like I’m failing at something she asked makes me feel like I need to do anything in my power to fix it. Like it’s my responsibility to ensure she never has to question my commitment to therapy or working hard or making sure she’s happy.

Guess I should tell her that part too. ?

 

[scout86]

I can see writing them a letter (which you wouldn't necessarily send). I can't see lying when you do it. If you feel like forgiving them, fine. If you'd like to see them burn in hell for eternity, I see no reason not to say that. I don't really buy the idea that forgiveness is for the benefit of the person doing the forgiving. At the same time, I don't intend to waste my life hating people who caused me harm. The rest of my life is mine, and I intend to make the best use of it I can. I'm not wasting any of it on abusers. But I'm darn sure not going to forgive someone who doesn't see the need for remorse and would probably do the same stuff all over again, given the chance.

 

[somerandomguy]

In my opinion, which is free and therefore worth every penny you paid for it, trying to forgive anyone before you're ready to is going to dig you into a deeper hole of shame, anger, and recrimination towards yourself. Forgiveness has to be freely given, not because someone tells you to or you think you have to.

Moreover, I believe that before you can forgive anyone else, you have to truly, truly understand that you, the survivor, truly did nothing worthy of self-forgiveness. @Kubash16, it was not your fault and you do not need to forgive yourself for anything.

 

[Sideways]

Me forgiving myself never had anything to do with my abuser - my relationship with him was complex enough!

When I started these types of exercises? I had to approach it as if someone else was saying it to me (what would someone else rationally say/feel about me when it happened?), or as if I was saying it to a different person who went through exactly the same thing as me (if it was someone else experienced this abuse, what would I say?).

 

[Kubash16]

I disagree that I have nothing to need forgiveness for, but that’s a neverending cycle I don’t wanna get into at the moment. My plan is to try to spit it out to her why I’m so resistant to the idea. Instead of just saying I don’t want to forgive them I need to be able to articulate everything I wrote on here. She’s not pushing me, she just had the idea and I’m pushing myself.

 

[MrMoonlight]

I found some relief in an exercise similar to this. I was to write a letter to an abusive person from my past and then destroy it in an act of letting go, to some extent.

It's helped me. Took me a couple months of writing a little every time I thought I could handle the intense emotion that came with every sentence.

After completing and sharing with my therapist, I ceremonially burned the letter, letting go as much as I could.

For me there was a natural build up to the ceremony and larger than expected release because this thing took a couple months of thinking about. I placed a lot of value on completing it and actually burning the letter. It was on my mind so often that I found more closure than expected after completing.

Not sure how much my experience would relate to your own but I thought it was important to share.

 

[Kubash16]

I found some relief in an exercise similar to this. I was to write a letter to an abusive person from my past and then destroy it in an act of letting go, to some extent.

It's helped me. Took me a couple months of writing a little every time I thought I could handle the intense emotion that came with every sentence.

After completing and sharing with my therapist, I ceremonially burned the letter, letting go as much as I could.

For me there was a natural build up to the ceremony and larger than expected release because this thing took a couple months of thinking about. I placed a lot of value on completing it and actually burning the letter. It was on my mind so often that I found more closure than expected after completing.

Not sure how much my experience would relate to your own but I thought it was important to share.

I’m glad you shared, it’s really helpful.

 

[grit]

IMHO, you should not do everything your therapist tells you if your whole body is saying otherwise. One of the ways I feel PTSD f...ks most of us up...is we were in compliance with the abusers for many many reasons that were 100% above and beyond our control; otherwise, things might have been different.
Your therapist suggests this letter probably for a good reason, but when you feel this bad about it, then your reasons for not doing what hurts you trumps hers. Again you can even ignore my comment if it is not aligning with your feeling.