Dom Violence Forgiveness

[Nebulustrix]

I watched a movie last night called "Loving the Bad Guy". From the poor screen angles, poor acting, etc I could tell it was a low budget film - but the story it told really gripped me. It was a Christian based film about a good Christian girl - 23, still living with her parents, still a virgin, and very religious - very giving, sweet, helpful, etc. This girl was raped and became pregnant from the rape. She had the child and chose to take the baby with her to the prison to visit the rapist and help him be part of the baby's life.

When family, friends, and the guy in prison all gave her a hard time about what she was doing, she explained it was something she HAD to do, because she had to forgive him. I found myself in tears through the whole thing, and feeling anxious and worried about the mere prospect of being near my ex or trying to interact with him the way she was interacting with her rapist - even if it was in a "safe" setting through the prison visitor center.

I do feel that I have forgiven my ex, and I did identify with the girl's desire to "help" him, but I don't think I could ever bring myself to face him. There is a part of me that feels like I need to do something similar in order to provide better closure, overcome my fears, etc - but I don't want to have to deal with the anguish and pain it would cause me or the confusion it would cause my son. And, I don't want to chance either of our safety by making contact - I have an injunction, and if I'm the one to break that and something happens, the law will not be as helpful/protective.

What are others thoughts on this topic of forgiveness? Have you forgiven your abuser? CAN you forgive? Do you interact with your abuser in anyway - post relationship? And if so, how do you handle that?

 

[therapybankrupt]

Forgiveness does not mean having to put yourself in a unsafe situation with the abuser. Forgiveness can be just that you forgive the person in your mind and heart to set yourself free. I think it would be very hard and take a lot of therapy for me to forgive. I am at angry now. Who knows? Might just happen some day? I love the sappy movies where I think I want that with my ex then I remember who I am dealing with.:stop: :wtf: Then I get angry some more. He even ruined the chance of that.o_O

 

[Nicolette]

Forgiveness can be just that you forgive the person in your mind and heart to set yourself free.

I agree with therapybankrupt. Forgiveness is something I believe we do in order to set ourselves free from the past hurt by not holding on to it any longer. It does not mean you forget it or that you change protecting yourself.

For me Nebulustrix, one example in context is my son's father. I have chosen to support my son seeing his father and I try not to say anything bad but I am honest in that his dad is unreliable. My son is also aware his father takes drugs and can end up being off his face instead of living up to his commitments and responsibilities. So forgiveness has been given by me for the sake of my son - in order for me to not put my issues with his father upon him. Saying this, I have educated my son to not get his hopes up with anything his dad promises until it is a reality (protecting him from unnecessary disappointment) and we always have a plan for contingencies - eg, which bus to take from the airport to his destination if his father doesn't turn up and how to get back if he is let down; a phone number of someone he can call in the location of where he is staying to pick him up if my son needs to get out of where he is.

 

[Nebulustrix]

Forgiveness does not mean having to put yourself in a unsafe situation with the abuser.

I definitely agree with this, and it is what helped me determine that I had indeed done the right thing by leaving, and that I do indeed feel forgiving. I've really felt very little anger toward my ex, and that actually concerns me more than an ability to be forgiving. Shouldn't I feel angry? I've had a few moments, but nothing intense - no sense of a need for revenge, or wanting him to "get his", or anything of the sort. My few moments of anger were really more anger about the situation than anger toward him.

I truly want him to find healing and happiness. I truly want him to overcome his demons, to find someone who can support and love him. I want him to repent and thrive and succeed. These feelings I have convince me that I must be feeling forgiving, even though I do not feel safe contacting him. Keeping myself and my son safe is more important than reaching out to him - though I'm occasionally plagued with guilt because I feel I helped worsen his situation and I am unable to give him the help he so badly needs.

Yet I've also, lately, been fighting with these feelings that I still LOVE him too. And because of that it's making me really conflicted as I'm trying to get back into dating. How can I commit to a different guy, if I still feel a commitment to my ex? How can I resolve these feelings, if I'm so terrified of him that I cannot even contact him? And if, somewhere in the future, I ever did feel safe enough to reach out (being careful to ensure I would not in any way be putting myself or my son in any danger by doing so) could I handle all the grief those around me would give for trying to contact him?

More thoughts on this - but I'll share more later. I need to get going.

 

[therapybankrupt]

been fighting with these feelings that I still LOVE him too. And because of that it's making me really conflicted as I'm trying to get back into dating. How can I commit to a different guy, if I still feel a commitment to my ex?

I do not have a clue what you do with the feelings of love that are left after the fall out of an abusive relationship. I know I am not ready for another relationship. I thought what was holding me back was trust issues. I never thought about love. I think you have hit on something nebulustrix. Is it possible that the love lingering is what is keeping you stuck?

I wonder what it takes to fall out of love? I think grieving is supposed to help. Possibly letting go and going through the steps of grieving the loss of your love for him? Might be the only way to get to the other side? What are the thoughts on this idea? Anyone else have personal experience on how you were able to delete your love of the ex and open up to another partner?

@Nicolette You are brave!

 

[Nebulustrix]

@Nicolette What you are describing is exactly what I would like to be able to do once my son is old enough to decide for himself whether he would like to meet and visit his biological father. Right now, he doesn't even fully understand his lack of father - he actually thinks my older brother is his dad. My brother was the first male adult figure my son remembers, because he was the one who came and got me when I left.

I find myself thinking through scenarios in my head, more often than I would like, for how I will handle it when my son is old enough to understand his dad is "missing" and ask about him. I hope I will handle it well, and I hope it is possible for me to reach a point where a safe method can be found to allow him to visit if he wants to. Right now, I feel like the only way I would feel at all safe allowing such an interaction would be far in the future - when my son is at least 18.

@therapybankrupt I had thought I had disconnected enough to no longer have strong loving ties to my ex, and have only recently realized that this attachment is still there. I have no idea how to get closure on this! I think what makes it so hard is that this man is the ONLY man I've ever been with romantically. He's the only man I've ever loved. I gave him my virginity, and I haven't been with anyone else. I haven't even felt attracted to anybody else.... Until now.

Perhaps it's been easy for me to feel forgiving, because I still love him. Perhaps I haven't felt any major feelings of anger, because I still love him. And perhaps this means that I also haven't fully processed/accepted the wrongness of the abuse he put me through. I still feel guilt and responsibility for the failed relationship, and I still find myself making "understanding" excuses for his abusive behavior. I'm more sympathetic of the pain he was going through than the pain he caused me, and I just feel guilty for my lack of understanding how to be a good partner to him and help him overcome his pain. And thinking of it like that, perhaps I still haven't really forgiven him, because I haven't recognized any wrong in need of forgiveness.

The one wrong I couldn't handle him committing was hurting our baby, and I left before he could do that. I left because of the signs he was showing the he would hurt the baby, and I never gave him the chance to get outside help in order to have the chance at a healthy relationship with his child. When I left, he tried to accuse me of kidnapping to get me to come back, and part of me feels like he's right! I TOOK his child away and cut him off. I decided that there was no way this child would be safe with him, and I'm still deciding that there's no way this child will be safe around him, at least until he's 18. The court supported my decision, and it's the only way I feel assured that my son will be raised in a safe/healthy home, but I'm still the one that made that call and took a child away from his father.

Writing this, at this moment, I feel absolutely horrid, and I think that's why this movie had me in tears through the whole thing. Here was this girl who was forcibly raped, had no loving connection to the rapist whatsoever, and she chose to try and help him be a part of his child's life - even though he'd done nothing but bring her pain! And here I am keeping a man I still love from seeing his own child because I'm so terrified of him that I simply CANNOT allow him to see his child without being torn to shreds with fear/anxiety and utterly hating myself if he ended up hurting my baby.

 

[therapybankrupt]

@Nebulustrix You are beating yourself up and holding blame and shame. Not good for you. These emotions need to be the first thing to work on. We have all been there and I do understand your pain. The healing takes time. I would like to also say this story made a great movie. Was it a true story or a documentary? I see this as a one in a million chance in l million light years.

I think you know what is best for your child. Thats why we have maternal instinct. This is why you have intense fear. What if, and this is an awful analogy, but, what if you did do it before you felt safe about it and something happened to your son. I think you need to change your thinking about protecting your son for good reason. Do you have a trauma therapist that specializes in domestic violence?

 

[Nicolette]

Shouldn't I feel angry? I've had a few moments, but nothing intense - no sense of a need for revenge, or wanting him to "get his", or anything of the sort. My few moments of anger were really more anger about the situation than anger toward him.

Why do you feel you need to be angry? There are no rules and sometimes, like for me with my ex (not husband) it was relief mixed with sadness at times. I missed the good parts of him but I was so glad I finally took the step back towards a non abusive life.

I truly want him to find healing and happiness. I truly want him to overcome his demons, to find someone who can support and love him. I want him to repent and thrive and succeed.

Hmmm... I find this thought process intriguing as 'a sign of forgiveness' by the want for him to 'repent' and succeed.... forgiveness to me is about past actions and letting them go - not about what you wish him for the future. I can't quite find the words but this just sits strangely with me.

Yet I've also, lately, been fighting with these feelings that I still LOVE him too.

Unfortunately I have to take off but dare I play devil's advocate and ask if the things you want for him are because you want him to be a better persons so you can go back due to still loving him? Is this the conflict? Is this why I couldn't put my finger on what didn't sit right? (Please understand you have no obligation to respond nor is this a challenge but more a case of reflection).

 

[Nebulustrix]

Do you have a trauma therapist that specializes in domestic violence?

When I first left the situation, I was seeing a therapist out of a family crisis center that specialized in domestic violence. Her services were free to those who had been through family crises such as DV, divorce, adultery, etc, so I didn't have to worry about insurance or paying for visits. Because the services were free, the crisis center had a focus on getting people to a point where they could help themselves and get by without theraputic help.

I stopped seeing my therapist after about a year, though the door was left open to return if I felt a need to, and I've been handling things fine for the past three years now. Ever since I attempted a real date a couple months ago now, though, I haven't been doing so hot emotionally, and I'm really seriously considering seeing a therapist again. I live in a completely different place now, and will have to do some research and looking to find someone, but it's looking more and more like I'm going to commit myself to that search.

Why do you feel you need to be angry?

I guess because so many others have been feeling angry for me? It just seems like anger should be the response to such mistreatment, and I find myself wondering if my lack of anger is a sign that I'm still downplaying it to myself.

forgiveness to me is about past actions and letting them go

I agree with this, and think that my not wanting him to suffer for what he did is a way of letting go? I don't know. Really thinking about the "letting go" of forgiveness, I'm not so sure I have forgiven him. If I had, wouldn't I also be able to let go of the terror I feel? It make me think of a true story I heard about someone who'd been through the holocaust and gave a talk about forgiveness. One of the Germans who'd been over her particular concentration camp came to her after the talk and tearfully expressed his gratitude for her outlook on forgiveness and asked to shake her hand. At first, she couldn't bring herself to do it - and she had to reassess her own ability to forgive before she was able to reach out and shake his hand.

I could never do that with my ex, because of the intense terror I feel. So now that confuses me, because forgiveness is supposed to bring a sense of peace. And I definitely do not feel peace concerning him.

Unfortunately I have to take off but dare I play devil's advocate and ask if the things you want for him are because you want him to be a better persons so you can go back due to still loving him? Is this the conflict?

I think you've got it! :) This makes so much sense with relation to how I've been feeling. In my conscious, rational mind, there is nothing that even remotely wants to be with him again. I want to move on and be with someone else with whom I can find peace, happiness, etc. However, I think subconsciously, in my "emotional self", I'm still holding out on the possibility of going back to my relationship with him. My heart yearns to make it "work out" still, and I think I may just not be getting over the grieving process for what I lost - because I am still blaming myself. I feel as though it is my fault the relationship is over, because I chose to leave, and I did it secretly, discreetly (for good reason! I knew if I gave him a head's up he'd lose his temper and likely kill me or find a way to keep the baby from me). He didn't want me to go, didn't want the relationship to end. He wanted me to come back and work it out, but I ran and hid and cut off all contact with him - so I've been beating myself up for.. well, being a coward I guess.

 

[Nicolette]

My heart yearns to make it "work out" still, and I think I may just not be getting over the grieving process for what I lost - because I am still blaming myself. I feel as though it is my fault the relationship is over,

And sadly Nebulustrix here is where a lot of us get caught with the self torment and wanting to 'work it out' that we do go back and back until we realise it is not us but it is indeed them.

In my conscious, rational mind, there is nothing that even remotely wants to be with him again. I want to move on and be with someone else with whom I can find peace, happiness, etc. However, I think subconsciously, in my "emotional self", I'm still holding out on the possibility of going back to my relationship with him.

You accurately describe the conscious and sub conscious struggle!

 

[intothelight]

I think that forgiveness and reconciliation may be intertwined here.

To me forgiveness has been a process of letting go, especially the letting go of the hate, anger, resentment, bitterness, and all of the negative emotions that were filling me. There was no room inside of me for those emotions if I wanted to fully feel love, peace, happiness and joy. It wasn't only those that abused me that I had to forgive.... I also had to forgive myself.

I will never reconcile with my abusers as it is just not possible. There will never be a "sorry" from them as that is not in them. The best that I could do was reconcile myself with myself and move on.

 

[Nicolette]

It wasn't only those that abused me that I had to forgive.... I also had to forgive myself.

Very poignant.