Forgiving Your Perpatrator/abuser

[Ronin]

Depends who. Depends history.

Many? I didn't forgive. And others, I hope they don't forgive either. There are things not meant to be done.

I don't think demanding forgiveness as a step to healing is wise.

There's no higher power that even *should* meddle into causes of people. I tend to think if God was a bystander then, why be dragging Him into things now, if He wasn't and hasn't said anything, it's apparently my business, and deal accordingly. This is between me and fellow men.

 

[Jane.l]

Really really don't understand forgiveness in the context most of us here are coming from - don't even really understand why someone would want to forgive - I don't see it as a honest or valid response - but that's just my take on it .

 

[nursenurse]

It is a valid response, however, it may not be the only response. It is an area the original poster wants to explore in her journey.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I don't agree that forgiveness is always a choice. I was dead set on never forgiving any of my abusers, but one day it just hit me out of the blue. It wasn't something I thought about, it wasn't something that I mulled over. It. Just. Was. The other two? Eff them. They never apologized nor do they care about what they did. They can rot in hell for all I care. And no, I don't think about them and let them run my mind. Just the opposite. That's why I don't think forgiveness is all about releasing the hold they have on you. I was able to do that when I reported. Reporting almost killed me. Yeah, like I'm going to forgive them for that!

 

[Jane.l]

It's not a valid response for me - everyone has to do what is right for them

 

[Jane.l]

But also think there is a pressure to forgive - and that's wrong - if that's what you want and it works for you - great - but to me a lot of the stuff we deal with is way beyond forgiveness .

 

[Changing4Best]

I do feel that forgiveness has helped me in my healing, but I also feel that forgiveness is not a thing that comes naturally to the human soul, especially in situations of abuse and molestation. It is something that only a Higher Power can help one with.

 

[ghotiff]

I thought I forgave many decades ago. Now I've recently started therapy I think my "forgiveness" was part my my self denial and self minimization.

 

[Friday]

Really really don't understand forgiveness in the context most of us here are coming from - don't even really understand why someone would want to forgive - I don't see it as a honest or valid response - but that's just my take on it .

English is an incredibly vague language.

There are different kinds of forgiveness. Just like there are different types of love (Eros, Amos, Fillios... Romantic, Friend, Family/brotherly are Greek definitions, some cultures add in Godly, others Duty/Honor, others Creativity). But we just have 1 word & 1 word for forgiveness, regardless of the many types.

- One kind of forgiveness keeps you from murdering someone, or worse.
No blood debt required.

- One kind of forgiveness allows you not to -literally- scream and cry until your throat is bleeding and eyes swell shut. Sleep, do it again. Sleep, do it again.
No mourning or vengeance required

- One kind of forgiveness parcels out blame where it belongs,
No guilt by association.

And those are just 3 types.

People tend to conflate forgiveness with a very specific version of negating all past whatever. Forgive & Forget Best Friends Forever, your debt is forgiven, all is well, it's okay, water under the bridge, no hard feelings!. That's not the only kind in play. Just because one may forgive, it doesn't mean it's following the kind of definition that erases the slate, forgets or condones what happens.

 

[ISupportHer]

There have been lots of discussions on forgiveness over the last several years. Lots of good comments too. Maybe take the time to look back at previous threads in addition to the responses here.

My 2 cents. You don't have to forgive but you do need to find a way to cope. If you DO chose to forgive, it has to be YOUR decision and not someone else telling you that it is what you should do. If you "forgive" and it is not coming from you then you will set yourself up for inner conflict and no one needs added issues to deal with.

Again, just MY opinion.

ISH

 

[greenleaf]

I would ignore the whole "forgiveness" issue for now; give yourself five years where you don't have to even think about it, or something like that.

Forgiveness is not necessary for healing, which is what you need to do. "You should forgive" is one of those things a lot of us grew up with, and it can short-circuit healing your own healing by pushing you into feeling guilt over healthy anger you may need to experience. For some of us, it's probably a way parts of society try to keep us focused on the needs of a certain group of other people over our own needs.

 

[nursenurse]

I still think @FridayJones said it best. The warm and fuzzy forgiveness may not cut it, but there are other types that will. Along with our ally, time. Over and out.