Forgiving yourself

[Fawn]

Over the past two years, I’ve struggled with ptsd after being abused by two people who I was very close to. This may sound strange, but I never felt angry or resentful about the people who hurt me. I’ve felt very scared of those people, but more than anything I’ve felt so ashamed of what happened and angry with myself for letting it happen.

Recently, my therapist mentioned that she thought that part of my problem was that I haven’t forgiven myself for letting those people hurt me. This struck me. It makes a lot of sense to me.

Does anyone else have any similar experiences or can relate to struggles with forgiving themselves?

 

[Abstract]

This may help Fawn: https://www.myptsd.com/threads/self-blame.36347/

I think you are far from alone.

 

[franciemarnie]

I dissociated during the activities causing trauma. I "wasn't there". It is easy and natural to look back from a non-dissociated state and say - How could I let that happen?

Easy. "I" was gone. And the "flight" wasn't consciously chosen. It was part of the trauma system given me to survive as a human being.

You didn't let it happen in my opinion.

But I well know the shame from before I learned what ailed me and working thru it. You are definitely not alone like Abstract said.

 

[Raj]

Hearing these statements has even helped me. I continue to be abuse along with my poor wife. Currently by a violent teenage son. We are definitely not letting it happen and do everything currently to stop it and even seek help for the abuser, including legal punishment!

In the past we have both disassociated and pretended that we did not experience things that were being done to us. Her and authority figure and me our son.

 

[presentjoy]

Sounds like therapist hit on important piece of you feeling like you let things happen. Agree with franciemarnie about how easy it is to look back from the outside and think "I could have done differently".

I thought I had processed that and resolved/forgiven myself 18 years ago but it still creeps up sometimes, that I dissociated and even though I remember resisting in some ways, at some point I checked out, but that's not the same as letting it happen. Not even close. I know that, but still can feel shame about it.

I can kind of tell my teenaged self that it really really really wasn't her fault. But she still hurts.

wishing peace,
pj

 

[nomedic1]

It's taken me twenty years and I am just starting to forgive myself for my past.

 

[franciemarnie]

It definitely can still hurt. It was trauma! I am with you. I still have my moments but since having had soul integration - as bizarre and off the map as it sounds - I feel a lot better. I don't feel separate from my younger selves. Or let's say I feel them in me so I treat myself a lot better.

 

[Philippa]

The process of forgiving ourselves can take so long...even to get to the point where we are finally willing to.

In the past I have found saying out loud to myself: "I forgive myself for allowing myself to be hurt by ......." after I have said "I forgive ...... for hurting me."

The I go on to say "I forgive myself for hurting ........" and then "I forgive ........ for allowing me to hurt them."

It has helped before, though I don't seem to do it as much these days. I think I need to pay more conscious attention to this, as I am way tired of holding onto all the pain of it. I want to be free of it, and feel better.

 

[aloha1983]

Yeah the pain just keeps coming in waves. How does 'Soul Integration' therapy work?

 

[Philippa]

I can recommend a wonderful book by a woman named Joy Manne, and it's called "Soul Therapy". It may have the answers you are looking for aloha1983. She does speak about integrating experiences so a person can become more whole and move forward.