Abuse is such a broad term but I always believed that abuse was extreme sexual, physical and emotional in your face sort of thing. Like it was absolutely obvious to what was causing your pain as a child. But abuse comes in so many different forms and shapes and each child is different in how trauma effects them. With all the research that has been coming out about childhood trauma, the “lack of” is a form of abuse and being in a very unpredictable environment is often traumatic for children also.
Each one of us is born with a certain temperament which can predispose a child to be easily traumatized from circumstances that wouldn’t effect another child at all. There’s many variables that come into play on whether a child is more resilient and can come from such horrific trauma but not suffer from PTSD. What is traumatizing to you may not be traumatizing to a sibling in the same household.
I’ve really struggled with this because I have DID along with other comorbid mental illnesses but I wasn’t severely abused in the way I “should” have been to have this diagnosis. Does that make sense?
I had to do a lot of research into child development to understand why I experience all of this now when my best friend was severely beaten and abused emotionally and she doesn’t have PTSD. It took awhile for me to understand that there are so many different kinds of abuse including the silent ones. Of course there are obvious messed up things my parents did and didn’t do that is easy to understand why I developed so many illnesses but none of it was “bad enough” to have DID according to many opinions of professionals and that I read about on the internet. I was diagnosed by several psychiatrists and therapists that agree 100% with the diagnosis so that validated that what I have gone through my whole life was “enough” trauma.
I have such a strong system of protectors that have kept many emotions and feelings out of consciousness but I have had some of my fragmented parts show me and told me just a few times glimpses into events that have happened to me as a baby and toddler that I know crap has been repressed. But, I don’t think about it or want to even go there and I can’t because those parts are holding everything so tight so hell, keep on holding it because I don’t want to know.
One of the many things I suffer from is eating disorders and a couple different therapists had told me they have gone through similar trauma (including rape when I was a teenager but I do remember that but have never had any emotional response to it). For me, when my therapist told me this, I couldn’t help but feel judged because if they have a career and don’t have PTSD then I shouldn’t right? I hate being compared to other people who have gone through “similar” traumas because no two people are the same so we experience life different even if they are really similar in how the trauma manifests itself.
My reality is extremely real and painful and I’ve accepted that nothing about humans can be put into pretty little boxes. I don’t know if anyone has heard of Gabor Mate but he explains trauma very well and I find comfort in listening to his YouTube channel. Anyway, I’m so sorry for all the pain everyone is going through because it is not living.
