Freaking out

[FauxLiz]

I had therapy this morning after two day down with the worst migraine I have had in 2 1/2 years so I was still dragging during my session. The thing is the session really messed me up. I left feeling as though my t doesn't believe me when I tell him things and in fact is just humoring me when I talk about my struggles with having a social life and interacting with my co-workers. It is hard to explain it was just the tone of his voice and his body language. I left feeling as though he has just been humoring me for all this time and he is just fed up. It was most likely me just feeling like crap but tonight I decided to send him an email rather than second guessing myself all weekend but now I am freaking out about hearing back from him and if I even want that to happen. Please help talk me out of this tree I am climbing.

 

[NightSky]

Your feelings are valid. And no matter why you had a moment of insecurity, you chose to reach out and that's brave. You did the right thing!

 

[FauxLiz]

Thanks @NightSky work today was distracted at best but I haven't heard anything back from t. I am trying to remain calm and not email him again cause normally he responds by early afternoon the next day but this time nothing.

 

[NightSky]

How often do you email ?

 

[FauxLiz]

@NightSky I email him at least once a month between sessions and text more often. Even when he is on vacation he has always at least acknowledge my email within 24 hours. That is why I am feeling out of sorts now he hasn't even sent an acknowledgement message.

 

[NightSky]

It's so hard to send an email and wait for a response. I email about the same as you. Once a month. Sometimes more, sometimes less. We meet once a week and I've been with mine for two years but that part never gets easier. If I don't get a response in a day or two I start to question everything. I am convinced I'm annoying her or I'm too dramatic or too needy and on and on the self critical voices go. And it makes me want to take back the email. It's such a vulnerable place to be. But even though I can get incredibly insecure in the waiting, I've never regretted sending an email. My T always addresses them in a way that convinces me that my honesty is important (and I write much more than I can say out loud.) When it has taken her longer than usual to respond there has always been a reason. So try not to mind read if you can help it. Sometimes messages aren't delivered. Sometimes they like to take time to think before responding. Sometimes they have non stop busy days like we all do. Sometimes their responses aren't delivered. Email servers go down. They think they sent something but didn't. My T and I have had all of those things happen. But it has never been because she doesn't care, I'm not important, the issue isn't important, etc. When it goes a long time there's nothing wrong with sending a follow up. I'll write something like, "I'm not sure if you got my last message but I wanted to update you.." or something like that. Keep us posted and hang in there. Maybe read a book on self compassion. That's what I'm doing when I'm in edge wondering what's wrong with me for reaching out. (Not that that's what you're doing.. just throwing it out there in case you are.)

 

[Muted]

I had a t like that once, dropping her was the best thing I ever did. What a waste of time and money.

 

[FauxLiz]

Well here I am a full 48 hours later and still nothing. I keep re-reading the email and kicking myself for sending it. Now that we are this far down the road I don't think I can contact him again until our session on Tuesday and I am going to have to get through a super stressful 3 hour or more meeting Monday night for work. Advice anyone? I am afraid that I really screwed up and he is a great t. The more I have thought about our last session he was just doing what I have been asking him to do by holding my feet to the fire I just didn't take it very well when it happened.

 

[NightSky]

Well here I am a full 48 hours later and still nothing. I keep re-reading the email and kicking myself...

Can you email him again? Try not to kick yourself. Instead, try to stop rereading and analyzing, and be kind to yourself. You needed to express something. And you did so honestly. You did nothing wrong! If your T has been good so far, I would find it very hard to believe he would be anything but welcoming of your honesty. The story you're telling yourself is that you messed up. But you haven't. If by some crazy chance he is not able to receive your honesty, he is not a good T for you. You're reading into his lack of response when you don't know why he hasn't responded. You're going down a shame spiral instead of recognizing that you have done nothing wrong. You are worthy of time, attention and care. If he had responded quickly just the way you wanted, you would've been happy with your choice. Because he hasn't yet, you are regretting your choice and beating yourself up. You're giving a lot of power to a response you don't know anything about yet.

 

[FauxLiz]

@NightSky I could email again. I could also call or text as I have his cell number. I have only called once when I was freaking out about something non therapy related and several times he has been disappointed that I didn't call because both times I attempted suicide knowing that he was a phone call away. I just need the next week to go as smoothly as possible because I have a job interview on Friday that I need to absolutely nail and get the job.

 

[NightSky]

@NightSky I could email again. I could also call or text as I have his cell number....

I would contact him again to set your mind at ease. It sounds like he welcomes you reaching out.
And either way, you can nail that interview! :)
Keep us posted!

 

[FauxLiz]

I bit the bullet and emailed my t again. I apologized for lashing out and said I hope that we can talk through this during our session on Tuesday. Now I just have to wait roughly 36 hours until the appointment.