From Normal to Messed Up and Anger

[Felicitas]

Just today I was reminded that I was a very balanced person before the trauma happened. Wow! I was not perfect, but somehow healthy.

This gets me to the topic of anger. Not emotionally right now. I had lots of it before.
I tell myself it is not my fault, but all these years suffering it seemed my fault.
I know that it doesn't get me anywhere to blame others- so is it nobodys fault???

I even set boundaries during these years when my trauma happened. (I lived amongst traumatized people)
But these boundaries where oversteped again and again. Then after more then 2 years I decided to leave this traumatic place. But that was also prceived wrong by the person I loved most. He thought I leave him.


Can anyone understand that?

 

[Linda]

Hi Felicitas,
It is hard for me to advise anything as I almost don't know you and your situation. But probably it may be useful to speak openly with your loved one and explain him that you are leaving only the place, not him? If you feel that you will be safer and more stable in another place, than moving will be useful. In order to be able to control anger, it is important to create as safe surrounding as possible.
Good luck,
Linda

 

[Felicitas]

Hi Linda!
Yes we had this talk years later when i learned what my leaving ment to him.
Your last sentence is very interesting. What happens if you can't create a safe surrounding?

 

[Linda]

Hi Felicitas,
Yes, I know that it is sometimes difficult and even imossible to create completely safe surrounding. But often you may do something to make it safer than it is now. What it is exactly, depends on where and with whome you are living.
For myself, I had taken the following steps:
-House alarm
-Large dog
-Alarm, surveillence camera, and low jack on the car
-Constant light on the back yard
-Getting know my neighbors
-Weapon
In addition to doing something really making my place safer, I had done something to increase my self-confidence.
-Joining a thai-chi class
-Trying to attend more social events and exposing myself to more people

 

[Linda]

Sorry, It went unfinished somehow :)
-Making regular exersising my daily routine
-Trying meditation and other relaxative techniques
-Understanding in details why I feel unsafe, and separating actually existing therats from my baseless fear

I think that anger and fear are directly connected, at least this is how I feel it. Anger means my inability to control the situation or to do anything to fix it. Thus, reducing fear helped me to reduse anger.
Honestly, in everyday life, anger brings nothing but problems and destruction. I am glad to realize it now.

 

[becvan]

I would just like to add, that weapons do not make a safe surrounding. It actually feeds into your fear, creates more hypervigilance and anxiety.

Those are all great points Linda. I would like to add that sometimes moving out of the area that your trauma took place helps a great deal.

bec

 

[just tina]

By completely divorcing my mother and her whole family, and knowing that my father will not give my number away, I am confident that I will no longer be subject to abusive and bizarre melodramas. I can wish my mother well, because she's not hurting me any more. I can even give her credit for keeping me alive until I was fourteen.

Eventually, I ran out of rage to deal with because I worked hard on dealing with that trauma in counseling, and there was no one abusive in my life. Living without abuse for many years is healing.

Sometimes people can work things out. Sometimes it's just futile.