From Then To Now - 6 Months Forward

[keifer]

I was cleaning today and found my notes. A mind frozen in time was the PTSD book, my counselor gave me when I started. I wrote out all the homework and found it.

Re-reading it, I can see I no longer suffer like I once did. I also have no idea why I didn't commit suicide. The things I described without the answers I have now, seem unlivable to say it best.

I have said it's smaller than baby steps. After reading my notes, it is smaller than baby steps but still progress none the less.

In a couple days, I go back to where my event happened to repeat all the same steps again leading up to it. I am freaking scared to the point I shake unconsciously at times.

I try to keep mind occupied but I’d rather go down any roller coaster ride hands down. My blood pressure is up as I can tell from the amount of pain in my neck. My headaches are increasing too in the amount of pain and location which isn't present to touch.

I quit therapy in January. I've considered to go back but the last comments were broken, unstable, and not progressing. Another counselor would be an idea, but no one believes me in my dilemma. I don’t even believe me.

My symptoms tell me, it’s PTSD though but still, I feel I’m out of resources and left best to survive on my own retired and no longer anyone's problem.

 

[Deleted member 19804]

Dear keifer,

Even though I've read about similar reactions of people's therapists before, it still very much shocks me how they can say that the person they are supposed to treat is "broken". You are not broken. You've been hurt terribly and still feel that pain and fear every day. That doesn't mean that you, as a person, are broken. I think it is highly unprofessional of your T to say such a thing.

That said, you did an amazing thing holding on like this. Even though you were going through hell, you have found a way to keep fighting and now here you are. Still hurt, but also still here and standing up for yourself. Good for you!

I know what it's like to have difficulty taking yourself seriously. When you have a very negative self-image, it is really hard to acknowledge that you have a problem that can and should be fixed, instead of blaming yourself for it, which is easier but also wrong. You are not anyone's "problem". You are a person and you deserve to be here. To fight for yourself, to fight for happiness and peace of mind.

I would recommend seeking out a new, better therapist who preferably specialises in PTSD and inferiority-complexes. As for the tension, do you have a routine to deal with the peaks? Listening to the right music, meditation and yoga are just some of the many ways you can calm yourself down to a more acceptable level of stress.

I hope my comments will help you out a bit. You are not alone. A big virtual hug if you want one!

 

[Tinyflame]

@Snowwhite is right @keifer , it does seem that way. \

:hug:

 

[The Albatross]

I quit therapy in January. I've considered to go back but the last comments were broken, unstable, and not progressing. Another counselor would be an idea, but no one believes me in my dilemma. I don’t even believe me.

My symptoms tell me, it’s PTSD though but still, I feel I’m out of resources and left best to survive on my own retired and no longer anyone's problem.

Forgive me but how is this a "success or accomplishment?" "out of resources and left best to survive on your own retired and no longer anyone's problem"??? What are you saying here and where is the success or accomplishment?

 

[ptsdsolution]

Yes I thought it was starting off so positively but then nose dived-you made progress, you are now facing your fears again in a few days that is a big move, support and acknowledge how far you have come, hang in there, you are stronger than you think. Don't let your light fade into nothingness

 

[Hashi]

Why not forget the label and deal with the experience and how you feel?

 

[novemberDark]

Hi Keifer, in a couple of days your going back, what do you mean by that?

 

[keifer]

I get my knee re-scoped. Last time, they did not explain the effects of the drugs on me and it left me rather damaged. This time, no mind affecting drugs or else. I still have flashbacks to whatever dark place that stuff put me in. I can't go through that again and live.

 

[novemberDark]

Did you discussion this with those docs ?

 

[keifer]

The surgeon wants me awake during the procedure. I also sent a note to his nurse who gave it to the anesthesiologist who'll be there that day. My sister is coming who is also aware and has my notes and my living will which also state all my wishes.

I have heard some doctors do what they want and not what the patient wants. I've not been stable yesterday or today as I'd like. I don't trust them, I'm sorry. A doctor asked why all the way to where my sister lives? Because I don't trust them, I replied. I so want to move out of the city and get away from the experience I've had. It just haunts me.

 

[novemberDark]

Good you have your sister there.