Frustrated And Angery And...confused

[SuperAnxietyGirl]

This is mostly me venting but any replied you can offer would be great.

I just go through another full-blown possible disassociation spell. I usually try to push the images out of my head but I wound up trying to identify the images I saw. I couldn't, I have some guesses, but it's mostly things I do not recognize. I am so frustrated. I was getting out of the shower when it happened... It usually happens when I'm in the shower or something. My last one was only like two weeks ago, which means they are getting more frequent. I don't know why they come up when I'm showering or blow-drying or if this is even disassociation. All I know is that I'm tired and frustrated.

I wanted to go seek out help after being put on medical plan, but that went downhill too. In order to do that, my dad would have to take me and with my 19 year old brother who is disabled, it makes it kind of impossible. Also, my mom told my dad about it and he said that he had the same problem around my age. But his went away. Well, I think his went away because he went into the army. What if mine don't? I doubt he'd agree to take me to a place like that and even if he did, I find it horribly unhealthy to have the man who caused me all this trauma to be the one taking me there and back.

What's weirder is that his triggers were similar to mine. Running water for him, steam for me. It's all so confusing and I'm so confused. After the "spell" I'm always so confused and weak and need to lie down. Often more will come after it. I'm so frustrated!

 

[mytai]

Hey @SuperAnxietyGirl

First off, I'm sorry you are going through this and that it is confusing and scary for you. I'm freshly diagnosed as dissociative along with other things. What you're describing sounds like flashbacks. Is it like watching a movie? Or sometimes like you are experiencing it all over again?

Dissociating is different than flashbacks. Dissociating is kind of like checking out of reality, like taking a break from the real world. It can almost feel like you're floating, detached from your body. I don't know if I'm describing this very well. It is a defence mechanism, to protect ourselves from harm.

Is there anyone you can turn to in your life to take you to get help? A friend's parent? A teacher? Your dad abused you? Are you able to get out of that living environment? Be safe SAGirl.

 

[arfie]

Sometimes I think my flashbacks are dreams I have while I am awake. Like dreams, they are often mysterious and hard to understand. I just have to roll with them and see if the mystery is going to reveal itself. Most of the time they remain a mystery which seems to have a life of its own.

Don't know if that's anything like what you go through, or not. For sure I hope you find your peace with it.

When I don't have a therapist for whatever reason, support groups get me through. And here you are. Hope it helps until you work out all those other details. Live support groups can help even more.

Hope the venting helped.

 

[SuperAnxietyGirl]

@mytai, It's actually more like being detached. I see things play inside my head, not out, so I don't feel like it's actually happening, it's more like watching a movie clip in my head, but it's random. Usually video games I played previously. It's never a tragic situation or anything. Just...characters and scenery from the game. I'm thinking of buying the game in computer form since my Xbox broke to see if it will do anything or change anything. My mom hasn't decided if I should or not and if I do I have to play it when my parents are around in case it makes them worse and I "lose it", basically.

And sadly, there is nobody I can turn to. We just moved where I live right now in August, so nobody here can help me and in GA, there really wasn't anybody. There is only one I can think of that was a teacher from a youth group I went to for people like me. But what could she do?

@arfie, Mine are sort of like that I suppose, but I've learned that I can either absorb it or I can push it out. It's like those superpower movies you see where things can get in your head. It's like that for me, like I almost had a confusion spell a little bit ago and I managed to push it out like it was an object. It was the same way with the full blown one that caused me to write this post. Except that I got curious as to what the things I were seeing were and that one moment of weakness caused it to hit fully.

I hope this will help me too since I don't have anyone else. I have my mother, yes, but with her working all of the time, what can she really do? She can't understand them, so it's hard for her to understand what I am going through.