Frustrated... Need An Objective Point Of View

[missd84]

I haven't told much of my story on here but in order to get the full picture, I feel it's necessary to divulge a little more. I was raped as a teen by my boyfriend and ended up getting pregnant. I never told anyone that was how my daughter was conceived because I just would rather be a slut than a victim. I graduated and went to college and no desire to ever return to my hometown again. My daughter stayed with my family so that I could focus on school and I only saw her on the weekends the first 4 years of her life. Naturally my parents grew very close to her and treat her much like she's their own and are always questioning my decisions.

I got my Master degree and landed a full-time teaching position. That's when my daughter moved in permanently with me. We lived 3 hours away and visited every month or so. I got married to an alcoholic (who sobered up just long enough for me to marry him) and then we divorced shortly thereafter because he became physically abusive as well. After getting divorced, I was raped again while out celebrating the new year with my friends and shortly thereafter, my life has since gone downhill with a subsequent job loss.

I've been back in the area for a little over a month now. The economy here is terrible so I have not found anything. Also with all the budget cuts in my state, I don't feel secure here because I teach something outside the core area. I've been looking but the jobs in my field just aren't here. I have a friend that lives in Texas where there are many more opportunities to use my expertise. I only have 2 more paychecks from my previous teaching assignment and I will be out of money completely so I am seriously considering moving.

My mom told me that I'm being selfish. She thinks that I should just struggle and wait it out. It is stressing me out to hunt for jobs or to think that the one thing I still love, I may have to give up if I wanted to stay here. The problem is I just want to have a job that I love and be able to provide for my family. The opportunities aren't here but there are some elsewhere. I am a single mother so I have to do what I can to make ends meet. My personal opinion is that she just wants to keep my daughter close for her own SELFISH reasons.

How is that being selfish? Any thoughts on how to show them that I can make it far from home? I know my mom is slightly worried about my mental state and what would happen if I was far away and have no help but at the same time, not having a job is only destroying my mind.

 

[intothelight]

Hi Missd84,

It is a difficult situation, and the financial stress on top of PTSD can only be exacerbating it. The following is my personal opinion as a mother and as a grandmother.

You daughter is your family and your responsibility. It is understandable that your parents would miss their grandchild if you move away, but the bottom line is that you should do what is best for you. By doing what is best for you, you are also doing what is best for your daughter as it will give her a healthier and happier mother.

Again, that is just my opinion. You need to decide what is best for you and follow it. Being employed and having financial security is one less major stressor.

Wishing you peace.
Debbie

 

[missd84]

Thank you Debbie! I talked with my parents and a lot of their reasons are selfish. I know some of it is just worrying that it won't work out or just thinking I should wait it out for another teaching job next year. I tried to explain that for me, having that financial stress, is not going to be good for me or my daughter, because it would only worsen what I am feeling now (which quite frankly scares me). The only good thing is that they understand I've always had a mind of my own and will probably do as I please but it'd be nice to have their support. I'd love for them to realize why staying in this state would actually be very detrimental to the both of us but I doubt they will ever truly understand.

 

[Ted Moen]

I kind of agree with Debbie, but I also know that I have trashed perfectly good jobs and relationships and situations because of my ptsd symptoms. Along the way I made the personal observation that when normal people leave one job it is usually because they already have a better job, unlike me who would just go to war with everyone around me and drive them away or leave myself, take a few months to let the intense feelings pass, then start to figure out how I was going to start over. In trashing a job or relationship I always had a rational, it was just based on the intense feelings and emotional reasoning we (people with ptsd) tend to act on before we fully understand our symptoms and learn to manage our behavior.

So, reading your post at face value I would agree with Debbie. But at the same time there is no mention of a job offering and considerable emotional reasoning in the post, which would suggest the appropriate thing to do would be to stay and participate in your current situation with theraputic support.

Ted

 

[Tinyflame]

Yes, I believe Ted is right- it's easy to feel like it's beneficial to throw away everything, at times like those.

I hope you find a terrific job in or out of state, and if you remain near your parents that they may be able to support you in your goals and enjoy their grandchild at the same time.

 

[missd84]

The only problem with staying in my current situation with therapeutic support is that I currently have no insurance so there's no therapy. My plan was actually to wait to move until I finish some training to get additional licenses so that I don't rush.

 

[mamachick]

Do you have any clinics with sliding fee scales? Often the fee is zero if you have no or low income, Can you get unemployment for a while to hold you over until a more certain job opportunity? If you can get therapy and unemployment or if your parents are willing to help you financially, it sounds like an opportunity to get the certification there.
You have just described a rape at new years celebration, evidently not long after a marraige and a divorce, followed by a job loss, and a move back to your parents. I heard six significant life adjustment in addition to this trauma. While inadequite finances can be a stresser, so can moving to a new place, starting a new job and enrollong your daughter in a new school to make new friends and find new babysitter etc.

Are your parents being selfish or protective.? They cared for your daughter so you could get your education which I think is wonderful for all of you. That is a statment about the dedication in your family I think. You took your daughter before and moved 3 hours away and mom adjusted right. (job-marraige-divorce-job loss-rape-return home) all in short time frame. If you struggle emotinally in therapy, would it be better to have parents available for daughter and the stability of their home. It would give you a little time to get things together. You are young and it sounds as though haveing your daughter did not slow you down much. It sounds like your parents are willing to be helpful with your daughter and free your time up to get license, set a goal,, develop a plan toward career opportunities

I raised my grandaughter for a year while my daughter was figuring our some things and making a move. The attachment is evident and I know my daughter expressed a fear that I would want to keep her because of the fun we had together. I assured her that I did not want to raise another child but would if needed. I just did not want moms impatience to lead to another mistake. After about a year, she is back with parents-they have moved, found the jobs and daycare, etc first This prevented her from changing schools a couple of times and apartments too.

Clearly you are giving this much thought and will figure it out.

 

[missd84]

Thank you brat17 for your reply. Your insight gave me a new perspective. I really believe my parents are being selfish and protective at the same time. I know it sounds contradictory but if you knew my mom, you would totally see what I mean. To lay out basically, my mom has never trusted my decision-making capabilities and this is why her and I don't get along very well.

I was living in another part of the state when the trauma occurred so I think my parents blame me being away from them as a reason for the rape. After I lost my teaching job there, I moved back closer to home, which was stressful. My daughter has been in 3 schools in 4 years so in all honesty, that would affect her so I guess I see how moving may not be in her best interest. Right now, I have applied to some jobs here and hoping that something pans out. I have an interview on Thursday so we will see.

As for the therapy fees, I really have no idea. Maybe I should look into that. Right now I just have this forum and rape survivor group, both which have been invaluable to me. Again, thanks for your reply and support :)