Frustrated with friend’s obsession

[Justmehere]

I have a friend that use to be a lot of fun to talk with about 18 months ago. Then he became severely depressed. Now, every time we talk, he talks about his depression. Nothing else. He will go in and on, how bad it is, how deep his regret is that he did not get married, the depth of his pain, what a terrible person he thinks he is for never being married, and how good it is that he now realizes his deep error to not get married and how sad he is that he believes it's too late for him, and that we wakes up crying every day and wants to die and on and on... I have listened and encouraged, empathized that I know he is going through hell, etc etc. He is recently retired, considerably older than me, and has treatment but he ignored their advice to start getting busy with hobbies, schedule, volunteering, higher level care, etc. I also keep holding the space that it’s not my role to change him but manage my own limits.its his choice to change or not and right now he is resisting change, knows it, and stays the course. He has a trauma history and probably has PTSD in the mix.

The pandemic is making it especially worse. He's been suicidal, but does have a lot of support and a good plan for safety.

I've learned to set boundaries on time, talk for only 10-15 minutes at a time every now and then, turned off alerts on texts,, and that seems to help me out.

But sometimes, I want to say, COME ON, talk about something else for once. I try to encourage that we speak on other topics. It *always* loops back to his depression and obsession with his false guilt over not getting married. I think it’s great he is reaching out and I don’t want to discourage that but holy moly, I am at the point I feel like I am enabling this obsession. Also, I’m single and wtf about marriage equals all problems solved?!

Ok so you can tell my issue is that I’m angry at him.

I do not mind and even am glad to support friends when depressed - I will and have and am there for others when things get hard - but this is different. I can say nothing but “uh huh” for an hour and he will go on and on about his depression, and if I let him, he would do it every day.

I encouraged him to volunteer in a socially distanced totally safe matter today with me. He agreed and then bailed this morning 15 minutes before because he is in pain and depressed and should have gotten married and the matter just reminded him of that. Ok. That’s fine. I have had to do that too.

But I am not going to talk to him about his obsession about the pain that he didn’t get married again. Period. I need a time of him talking about something else before we talk of that again. And again.

It’s not the depression that bothers me but the obsession with marriage and the failing to ever talk of something else anymore.

Not sure how to tell him this boundary that I need before I let him know I’m pissed at him, without discouraging his reaching out.

Thoughts?

 

[Muttly]

I think it's one of those things that you just be direct about. And if he's not getting it, you may have have to stay firm with the boundary. Something along the lines of, "we've talked a lot about how you believe not getting married has impacted you, and I understand this causes you a lot of pain. At this point I feel I have little to offer and to help support my own mental health and perhaps you, I'm no longer able to discuss that. I'm open to other lines of conversation and do care about you." That's my 1.5 cents.

 

[Survivor3]

I have a friend that use to be a lot of fun to talk with about 18 months ago. Then he became severely depressed. Now, every time we talk, he talks about his depression. Nothing else. He will go in and on, how bad it is, how deep his regret is that he did not get married, the depth of his pain, what a terrible person he thinks he is for never being married, and how good it is that he now realizes his deep error to not get married and how sad he is that he believes it's too late for him, and that we wakes up crying every day and wants to die and on and on... I have listened and encouraged, empathized that I know he is going through hell, etc etc. He is recently retired, considerably older than me, and has treatment but he ignored their advice to start getting busy with hobbies, schedule, volunteering, higher level care, etc. I also keep holding the space that it’s not my role to change him but manage my own limits.its his choice to change or not and right now he is resisting change, knows it, and stays the course. He has a trauma history and probably has PTSD in the mix.

The pandemic is making it especially worse. He's been suicidal, but does have a lot of support and a good plan for safety.

I've learned to set boundaries on time, talk for only 10-15 minutes at a time every now and then, turned off alerts on texts,, and that seems to help me out.

But sometimes, I want to say, COME ON, talk about something else for once. I try to encourage that we speak on other topics. It *always* loops back to his depression and obsession with his false guilt over not getting married. I think it’s great he is reaching out and I don’t want to discourage that but holy moly, I am at the point I feel like I am enabling this obsession. Also, I’m single and wtf about marriage equals all problems solved?!

Ok so you can tell my issue is that I’m angry at him.

I do not mind and even am glad to support friends when depressed - I will and have and am there for others when things get hard - but this is different. I can say nothing but “uh huh” for an hour and he will go on and on about his depression, and if I let him, he would do it every day.

I encouraged him to volunteer in a socially distanced totally safe matter today with me. He agreed and then bailed this morning 15 minutes before because he is in pain and depressed and should have gotten married and the matter just reminded him of that. Ok. That’s fine. I have had to do that too.

But I am not going to talk to him about his obsession about the pain that he didn’t get married again. Period. I need a time of him talking about something else before we talk of that again. And again.

It’s not the depression that bothers me but the obsession with marriage and the failing to ever talk of something else anymore.

Not sure how to tell him this boundary that I need before I let him know I’m pissed at him, without discouraging his reaching out.

Thoughts?

You can only help someone so much.

 

[Justmehere]

Yeah, I don’t really want to be someone helping him per se. He has plenty of help. I want to be his friend.

 

[LuckiLee]

If this was a friend or loved one of mine? I would simply ask "and what are you going to do about it"? Harsh? Idk. But if they can see and verbalize all the problems, they can be encouraged to find solutions. I'd send information, articles, different programs in his area, 1-800 #'s load them up with "tools" (maybe a dating site or two ?). Then it's on them.

You have to draw the line between friendship/support and becoming their therapist. I would tell them these are things they should be addressing in therapy. It's ok for you to set that boundary. It will be difficult at first. (Not an easy conversation to have) Change subjects. Shorter conversations or switch to email/text. If he's suicidal? I'd say I'm going to call 911 or family member and send a welfare check. (suicide watch is for the professionals)

One of the thousands of things I have learned from this forum is that We can only support. We can't help. They have to do the work.

Sorry you're going through this! I know how draining it can be. Reminds be of something a dear friend of mine told me years ago. "You can't make people happy but you sure can make them depressed". ?

Don't forget about YOU!

 

[Survivor3]

@Justmehere. This relationship that your having seems really one-sided. That your putting in all the effort. It doesn't sound balanced at all.

 

[NeverGiveUp]

Yeah, I don’t really want to be someone helping him per se. He has plenty of help. I want to be his friend.

I would probably tell him that him talking about it only makes it worse and that we should try to make it a point to have a conversation without mentioning a marriage at all or something like that.

He seems to be clinging on that idea, but before he can address the underlying problem, he must take a step and find some stability. Unfortunately many of us, PTSD-affected, seem to become addicted to self-loathing and suffering... It is very difficult to fight against that horrible voice that tells us how bad we are and that we are never going to get better. I've been there.

The worst thing you can do is to give up and impose this suffering on yourself. It will become a self-fulfilling prophecy and you may never get better.

I hope your friend will understand this and will improve with time.

 

[Whirlwind]

I can say nothing but “uh huh” for an hour and he will go on and on about his depression, and if I let him, he would do it every day.

Your comments remind me of something I went through not long ago. In my case this was a newer friend and we had some great common interests. But when our contact became more regular she began ruminating to an unreal degree. I realize later she must have held back with me until she felt comfortable? Our time together shifted to me feeling like I was being buried every time we got together.

She would talk relentlessly and obsessively about the exact same thing. She went through 3 therapists who suggested many things. She said the therapists were bad, the doctors jerks etc. So I found her new ones! I was her friend, right? Of course we're both adults and have the internet, LOL

I was trying to be supportive.... but then I began to see she always avoided their advice. Not to mention every in depth 8 hour trouble shooting discussion we had..she never followed through. Never.

I took a break from her and told her why....so we didn't talk for 8 weeks. Our next call was because she texted me she had been assaulted. I was horrified and immediately called her....

There was no assault. This is when it hit me she had done similar just less obvious "lures" before, claiming something startling to get me to call her or see her. She then launched into her routine for 1.5 hours, I put her on speaker and ate my dinner and said nothing. She didn't pause or ask me a thing. Not a thing.

We did not have a friendship. Our time together was just a trauma session - for her. She burned out her other outlets so she found me. My heart aches for her but I wasn't a friend. I was auditioning for a caretaker role so to speak. I was one of who knows how many.

Our time together wasn't helping her and it was stressing me out. Fun? Hardly...I felt drained, even ill after I saw her. I can't hear 8 hours of pain without it affecting me.

She isn't a bad person, far from. Her trauma was real, no doubt.

When I broke up with her and she said I was "just like the others". I am sure I was.

But I need to take care of me these days. I need to stop care taking others, I did it all my life and career. It did me a grave disservice in the long run.

Take care,

Whirlwind

 

[Wonder Woman]

Maybe point-out that marriage is still a possibility, but only if steps to work on the depression are taken in earnest.

You're in a difficult position. Continue being a good friend, by taking care of yourself. If you let your friend drain you, you won't be any good to yourself, your friend, or anyone else.

 

[Justmehere]

I have zero interest in giving him tools or resources, or helping him change - he has plenty of help, talks about the tools offered, and refuses to engage them. He says everyone is telling him the same things, he knows he is resisting but he doesn’t know why. Great for him and a therapist to figure out. I don't want him to stop reaching out but to honor that I really want to speak of other things,

 

[Deanna]

I have zero interest in giving him tools or resources, or helping him change - he has plenty of help, talks about the tools offered, and refuses to engage them. He says everyone is telling him the same things, he knows he is resisting but he doesn’t know why. Great for him and a therapist to figure out. I don't want him to stop reaching out but to honor that I really want to speak of other things,

Well, whatever he is doing now is the same thing he did towards his feelings about marriage. It's real off-putting when someone doesn't have any grounding, even though they have been taught grounding techniques.

 

[Friday]

Look man... Love ya, but you’re obsessing, and I’m about to lose my damn mind. For the next solid month, if you wanna talk to me? 2 topics are off the table. Depression and marriage. I get these are important to you, right now, but there are 1,000 other things that are important, and I am done watching you beat yourself up, because you’re hurting a friend of mine. Got it? 1 month.

Bzzzzzt. I’ve got a whole lotta bzzzzzt. Bzzzt. Bzzzt....bzzzzzt. ;)