Frustration at Starting Over

[mjava]

In my delusional and paranoid state I deleted all of my work history files, to include every document I've ever worked on and all of my work products that I've developed, including my resume. Were it not for Monster, I would have no idea where to begin in the rebuilding of my work history and experience.

I've searched through countless CDs trying to find good work samples. It seems the only things I saved were backup files and documents in progress. Nothing complete or presentable to a prospective employer.

I also destroyed all of my personal writings--a decade of journals, mostly filled with dribble, but still an interesting read from time to time. I threw them in the sink with clorox and then tore them apart before dragging them to the trash in a bag full of used cat litter.

Although the exercise of culling through all of this old material on CDs and cleaning house is timely, the frustration of facing the most destructive period of my life is disheartening. :crazy:

Delete. Delete. Delete.

I guess the message to myself was to start over.

 

[midi]

That's got to be completely frustrating and devestating. I purge things periodically, but I've not completely gutted. The damage has been done. Hopefully there is nowhere to go now but up!

 

[Tinyflame]

Yes, it sounds like time for a new start. To concentrate on the "now".

 

[mjava]

Yes, it sounds like time for a new start. To concentrate on the "now".

Concentrating on the NOW led me to follow delusional and irrational beliefs. In my NOW I thought I was in danger; I quit my job.Though I have schooling in logic, it all flew out the window.

For me, following the NOW was a complete disaster. I need some anchors that are constant and moderate. I understand that you're saying ground yourself, at least that's how I interperete it.

In my NOW, now, I am unemployed and contemplating disability benefits.

 

[Tinyflame]

mjava,

I am sorry this has been/ is, so much to deal with.

I too, have had moments where I have acted- or reacted- in such a way as to cause myself regret and complicate my life.

The only positive thing I can say about it, is it has forced me to become more aware of my triggers and to recognize a bit earlier when I start to backslide, and hopefully slow down or shorten the process so that it doesn't spiral further out of control, because speaking for myself, it has no bottom if I don't stop it. But it's hard to try to begin again sometimes.

I actually had not thought of "grounding", but that is right, too. More of acceptance of what cannnot be undone, and treating yourself with kindness, despite what may feel like/ be seen as a disheatening setback.

 

[anni]

Hi-
What Junebug said is so exactly right( treating yourself kindly). We all have done things that seem so permanant while being reactive and we all have suffered negative consequnces. That was last week or yesterday or an hour ago and now we have to say ok, that is over. I try to accept the fact that I baffle myself sometimes.Most of the time I am successful at least in that. If I get side-tracked on the 'what on earth was I thinking?' I tend to get more lost in self-loathing, guilt and confusion. Sometimes I can recognise what the heck triggered 'it' so I can keep a wary eye out in the future. When I can't. I'll let it go, or try.
I just think it IS a matter of being kind to ourselves, of consciously chosing to know we are not awful, horrible, contemptable people which is what our heads are telling us. We are FINE, good, kind, well-intended folks who have something in the wiring which isn't working correctly. Please do try to forgive yourself. Given what I've seen of people with PTSD I'm pretty sure you'd be the first one to forgive and make allowances for others.
It's horribly frustrating, believe me, I know about the purging. I always assumed I did it out of just plain not liking myself. The fact that you kept journals in the first place means, well, start one again, maybe? There is always page 1.
I just recognised some of what you're going through and wished to write and if nothing else say please take care?
Annie

 

[mjava]

Thanks, Anni and Junebug.

I've been feeling emotional as of late.

 

[anni]

Hi Mjava,
That's 'normal' for us. Just please forgive yourself. You're ok, emotional or purging or sitting in a chair not doing anything at all. It's hard not to be so tough on yourself, but do try to give yourself a break. It's not a cop-out or 'letting yourself off the hook' to know it's the dam PTSD making you feel emotional. So you're ok. Hope you keep checking in here with the folks in the forum. It helps.
Take care,
Annie