I think I can relate. Before I knew about the PTSD, I kept telling myself that whatever 'it' was, it couldn't be bad because I could hold a job and I seemed normal. Once I got into treatment I learned that we function in different areas--I am pretty nonfunctional in the area of personal and romantic relationships, for example, but my work functioning is quite good, as long as you don't count the times I cry in the bathroom. My treatment team were the people who convinced me that my suffering was actually quite severe.
Interesting. I'd never really thought of functioning in different areas before. I'd sort of lumped them all together in "functioning" even though some of them, like you listed, I'm not functional in all.
I think this would provoke a good conversation with your therapist. Her comment made you feel dismissed; it seems to fit into a pattern of feeling unheard--and doing desperate things to hurt yourself to prove you really are hurting. Your therapist kind of dismissed you before, but do you think it is worth revisiting? I wonder if her reaction might be different if she knew the things you have felt you might need to resort to in order to show your pain.
She didn't seem to react much when I told her that I cut. She even asked to see my most recent scars, which was a little weird to me, but whatever. It never hurts to brings things up again.
Hi Brokenchild, I was functioning/coping and being fine for months and then, like a kick to the stomach I couldn't go on. I couldn't function.
I've been this way for years. My "normal" level of depression scores in the severe category. I've just always been functional: going to school, keeping up with my activities, etc. I guess I'm fortunate in that regard. I don't want to be non-functional, just be taken seriously.
You need to make her see how you feel. Is it possible to write it down and show her, print off what you have written above. Have you told her about the pills for example.
She knows about the pills, the cutting, and the past anorexia. She knows I think about suicide on a daily basis, sometimes multiple times a day. I guess it just doesn't concern her. I don't know any other way to tell her how much I am hurting inside.
I have told her that I hate myself and think I deserve to suffer. I told her that one of the reasons I've never attempted suicide is that I am suffering and that's what I think I deserve. I told her that if I ever commit suicide, I will have to suffer a long and painful death first because that's what I think I deserve. I've told her that I think I am less than human and disgusting.
How many other ways should I say it?
Functioning = Surviving. There are many times we can function on the surface, and go through the day with an everything is "fine" attitude, but that is not any reflection of what is going on inside. Sometimes functioning is the only way to survive, but surviving isn't always living.
This, 110%
Most of PTSD is what is going on inside of us. The feelings of anxiety, depression, suicide, detachment, etc. are the core of this. Living is about joy, happiness, peace, etc., and just because we can go through the motions of life, no one should discount how we feel on the inside. It is so important to have a therapist understand that and help us to work towards feeling good on the inside, that discounting those feelings in inexcusable. No one should have to "prove" their hurt, our word is good enough. In fact, without treating the negative thoughts and emotions, functioning will become severely impaired.
We're working on the negative thoughts, but not really getting anywhere. Right now the biggest thing we're working on is getting me to allow myself to do self care activities (taking my medicine, bathing, eating, etc) without needing to "deserve" them in some way. It's coming along, VERY slowly.
I feel bad for you brokenchild. You shouldn't feel the need to prove how much you are hurting. But it does sound as if your T. at least acknowledged she knows you are.
That's true. That's more than any other therapist in the past. One of the reasons I brought it up. I wanted to see what she said. It was 50/50, but I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt right now.
You said most professionals don't take you seriously.....maybe you just think they don't? My T. doesn't take action when I'm expressing how much pain I'm in, he just listens....there's a big difference in saying "I feel" and saying "I'm going to".
It just seems to me that the "I feel" statements need to be addressed before they turn into "I'm going to" statements, not after.
I've been told in the past by therapist that cutting was just a phase, not to worry about it. That my weight was too high to be anorexic less than a month before I was hospitalized, and that my social life, not my past, was what I needed yo focus on. This is one of the first, if not the first therapist who actually listens and doesn't change the subject when it comes to my past.
What would you like your T. to do when you tell her how much you are hurting? What exactly do you want? I think you should tell her what you expect and want and go from there. For me, just being told that I'm heard and understood makes a huge difference. And if I feel I'm not, I say so.
Some ideas/direction to cope with the thoughts/actions. When I'm having a hard time doing self care, I have no tools to get through it except to listen to what I was taught by my abusers as disobeying them only leads to more self punishing. I don't know how to fight the "programming" without punishing myself, or without getting somatic flashbacks and/or getting physical sick.
If you're feeling suicidal, you need to flat out tell your T. And then I'm sure you will be taken seriously and action will be taken, if that's what you want. But it sounds like you just need/want the depth of your pain to be acknowledged....and you need to explain that to your T. too. They may be professionals, but they're not mind readers, we have to speak up and tell them exactly what we're thinking and feeling.
I've told her I think of suicide on a daily, or more than daily basis. I've told her I feel like since I'm functioning, I'm not taken seriously. She told me that she didn't expect me to jump off a bridge tomorrow but she knew I was hurting. Though jumping off a bridge isn't one of my planned methods, I have plenty of methods available to me at my house on a daily basis. I just haven't gotten the guts yet.
I SO agree with Debbie. When I was working I always had a smile on and NOBODY knew anything was wrong with me. I was great at my job and nobody could tell I was suffering, but I could only hold up my act for so long. When I got home I would literally collapse on the couch shaking and unable to even speak for an hour. So what I am saying Brokenchild is, to the outside world people thought I was fine but in my mind the pain was indescribable. So I think you could also change your heading to FUNCTIONING = HELL YA, IT IS THAT BAD!!!!
I hear you 110%. I work in a nursing home so I am trying to appear as happy as possible for the patients. Even my coworkers are clueless. I have become very good at appearing normal. I come home and I am exhausted as well. Putting up an act all day is just so exhausting. It's a full time job in and of itself.
(((((((Brokenchild))))))))
I am giving you the sympathy that comes from someone climbing that same mountain. Just because we're adept at the climbing skills doesn't mean it's not hurting the whole way up....just looks like we're climbing to those watching.
I'm trying to find a way to tell my T. how bad I'm feeling...but don't want to risk being invalidated again.
I like the climbing analogy. I've said in the past, somewhere, that people think I have achieved a lot, blah, blah, blah but the only reason I stay so busy and achieve so much is so I will allow myself to eat, to bath, to take care of myself. To me, I have to ear those things. The more I do, the more things I "deserve" to do for myself. People on the outside will never know though.
Sorry, if this sounds harsh. But you are functioning, getting out of bed, going to work and going to the gym etc. You also have a therapist. You don't need to prove your hurt to anyone by actions. You need to use your therapist to talk to and tell her/him exactly what is going on for you. If your therapist doesn't believe you, then you need to find a new therapist. I'm not saying you don't feel the hurt and pain, but you clearly have an outlet for this (your therapist). You clearly have money (since you work and go to a gym), so you could change your therapist, if your current one does not provide what you need.
It sounds to me like you are looking for sympathy instead of working out ways to solve your problems.
I HAVE told my therapist what I'm feeling. As I said above:
I have told her that I hate myself and think I deserve to suffer. I told her that one of the reasons I've never attempted suicide is that I am suffering and that's what I think I deserve. I told her that if I ever commit suicide, I will have to suffer a long and painful death first because that's what I think I deserve. I've told her that I think I am less than human and disgusting.
1) I don't pay for the gym, my dad does and we have a home gym as well.
2) I have insurance and cannot just see any therapist I want, nor can I afford their fees without insurance. I looked long and hard to find one that specialized in trauma AND took my insurance. Even with insurance, I can barely afford my co-pays.
After reading this, I don't know even why I posted this in the first place. More criticism. Just what I wanted/needed.
