Functioning = Must Not Be That Bad

[brokenchild]

I didn't mean the whole thread. I meant the one response.

 

[BloomInWinter]

It sounds to me like you are looking for sympathy instead of working out ways to solve your problems.

Although I greatly respect and appreciate you, Cherryblossom, I have to respectfully disagree with this part of your response, which albeit common, is not an effective means of helping, nurturing, or healing. I believe to be an invalidating response - along the lines of this....


"Examples of invalidating expressions. -- Each is an attempt to talk you out of your feelings.
"Ordering" You to Feel Differently
Smile.
Be happy.
Cheer up
Lighten up.
Get over it.
Grow up
Get a life
Don't cry.
Don't worry.
Don't be sad.
Stop whining
Stop laughing..
Don't get angry
Deal with it.
Give it a rest.
Forget about it.
Stop complaining.
Don't be so dramatic.
Don't be so sensitive.
Stop being so emotional.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself (Source)
Stop taking everything so personally
Source: http://eqi.org/invalid.htm#Defensiveness and Invalidation "

I experience Brokenchild's venting as healthy and asking for support....and yes, sympathy. Which is GREAT. It is HEALTHY to want to be validated. She's working hard, clearly, to be functional and to be heard.


Everyone on here has plenty of 'real life face to face' peeps invalidating our feelings in our real world. I sense you mean well with a direct response, but 'tough love' isn't healing when it's invalidating. We can go too far with tough love, too. :> Just my .02


Brokenchild, I can sympathize and I do. I invite you to feel and explore and share your feelings and I'll share a 12 step program saying that works for me. "Take what you like....and leave the rest."

I hear you both. ...and respect you both.

In wishes for ease of life....

 

[kers]

She knows about the pills, the cutting, and the past anorexia. She knows I think about suicide on a daily basis, sometimes multiple times a day. I guess it just doesn't concern her.

What reaction would be ideal for you? Articulating that might make it easier to get what you want/need.

 

[cherryblossom]

My comment was not meant to sound invalidating. I certainly wasn't suggesting any of the invalidating expressions that bloom has listed. I was short on time so perhaps my response was a little abrupt. I apoligise if I offended anyone - that wasn't my intention.

You certainly don't need to prove anything to your therapist. I understand what you have said with regards to finding another therapist. But I really do believe, it is something you could seriously consider. Therapy should be a trusting and safe relationship, and if you are not believed and taken seriously, then you will likely shut down from your therapist, and gain nothing. You also have the right to guide your own therapy. Perhaps you could say that you want to explore your suicidal thoughts. If you don't like her response, or don't feel believed, then try to tell her so. Ask her for the validation that you need. I think it is wholly apropriate that your therapist knows what you need from her (to be believed, ask if she could be available to you in a crisis, or ask her to recommend someone who could be available to you in a crisis). If we want things to change, we have to be pro-active, to facilitate that change.

 

[BloomInWinter]

It sounds to me like you are looking for sympathy instead of working out ways to solve your problems.

Sorry for not including the quote...and (((((Cherryblossom))))) I know there was no intent to be anything but helpful.

It was this quote that resonated with me.

I don't see this as the 'either....or' because 'looking for sympathy' (a search for connection, witness, and validation) is 'working out ways to solve your problems' (an action).

Those of us brought up in abusive situations Learned that seeking out sympathy was fruitless at best, all the way down the scale to dangerous & life-threatening at the far end. So, reaching out for sympathy, validation, and support is growth, and it has to be fought for.

Implying to a survivor of child abuse that it's wrong to want sympathy for the feeling & frustration of not being heard is something that happens all the time by otherwise well-meaning friends, family...church members.

Codependents who didn't get that validation or sympathy THEY needed as a child will often be the first to jump on someone clearly needing emotional comfort.

I include myself in all these...I've done that to people and I greatly regret it. It's something I have to guard against...those invalidating comments in my head that make me feel like I have to respond the same ways to others is coming from the 'well, I didn't have any help, so neither should anyone else' hurt child in me.

Because I do have this 'pull yourself up by your bootstraps' knee-jerk reaction in me, I try to only respond to a human being at all to ease each other's pain, and give for the support we all need and deserve. Not that I come close!

...and how much helpful, healing it is for me when responses include mostly the the emotional validating of pain through gentle, non-confrontational kindness, compassion, and understanding.

Knowing what it feels like to be judged for asking for emotional support and being told it's wrong, well...My T. has helped me see that I already have Plenty of that kind of 'support' in my life to 'nourish' the myth in my head that needing support is wrong. I'm working on identifying the invalidating frienships and replacing them with validating ones.

Just my thoughts and they're probably worth nothing much. :)

Wishing you both peace, comfort and support....

 

[Jade-]

I just want to say that sometimes when I'm silently screaming inside of my head, having someone acknowledge what I'm feeling and having them say they're sorry for what I'm going through is enough to stop the screaming.

Just feeling validated is important.

 

[brokenchild]

I replied to this but I don't see it. I don't have the energy to respond again right now.

I'm sorry.

 

[BloomInWinter]

I replied to this but I don't see it. I don't have the energy to respond again right now.

I'm sorry.

((((brokenchild))))

 

[KP the nut]

(((HUGE HUGS)))

Hold on, you are not alone.

Linking arms

 

[brokenchild]

Let's try this one more time.

What reaction would be ideal for you? Articulating that might make it easier to get what you want/need.

As I said above, to be given ideas/coping strategies for those times when I feel like I no choice but to obey what I was taught by my abusers. The ones I've tried haven't worked and I don't know what else to do.

You also have the right to guide your own therapy. Perhaps you could say that you want to explore your suicidal thoughts. If you don't like her response, or don't feel believed, then try to tell her so. Ask her for the validation that you need. I think it is wholly apropriate that your therapist knows what you need from her (to be believed, ask if she could be available to you in a crisis, or ask her to recommend someone who could be available to you in a crisis).

I will definitely be bring up the current more depressive symptoms and thoughts.

The center I go to does have people on call in case of an emergency. I don't know if I'd ever get the guts to use it, but it's there if I need it.

Those of us brought up in abusive situations Learned that seeking out sympathy was fruitless at best, all the way down the scale to dangerous & life-threatening at the far end. So, reaching out for sympathy, validation, and support is growth, and it has to be fought for.

Reaching out for help can be so scary and difficult. I think I'm getting better at it, but there is more work to be done.

I just want to say that sometimes when I'm silently screaming inside of my head, having someone acknowledge what I'm feeling and having them say they're sorry for what I'm going through is enough to stop the screaming.

Just feeling validated is important.

It is definitely. 110%.

 

[NIKI]

I think the word we are looking for is not sympathy (which I in no way think that is what you are looking for Brokenchild). The word is EMPATHY. Empathy: to identify with another's feelings. It is to emotionally put yourself in the place of another.

Empathic listening (also call active listening) is a way of listening and responding to another person that improves mutual understanding and trust. It is an essential skill for third parties, as it enables the listener to receive and accurately interpet the speaker's messages and then provide an appropriate response.

I hope you are feeling better Brokenchild. I UNDERSTAND exactly what you are saying and I am listening.

Much love and respect, NIKI

 

[BloomInWinter]

I think the word we are looking for is not sympathy (which I in no way think that is what you are looking for Brokenchild). The word is EMPATHY. Empathy: to identify with another's feelings. It is to emotionally put yourself in the place of another.

Empathic listening (also call active listening) is a way of listening and responding to another person that improves mutual understanding and trust. It is an essential skill for third parties, as it enables the listener to receive and accurately interpet the speaker's messages and then provide an appropriate response.

I hope you are feeling better Brokenchild. I UNDERSTAND exactly what you are saying and I am listening.

Much love and respect, NIKI

UGH. Maybe NOW I will get the correct defs in my head. I always get these two screwed up....well, not just these two...

Thanks. :> *sheepish grin*