Relationship Funeral And Now No Contact... Is He Done?

[Sabrina0712]

He disappeared about 2 wks ago...no contact. Then one night out of the blue he called me. He was gone for a week n 2 days. He said he was lost...no clue what the future held for him. Didn't know if he had the money to move here closer to me or stay where he is at. All I did was listen to him n tell him I was there for him...NOTHING ELSE. I let him talk about his Christmas shopping what he got his brothers, his mom n his dad. I listened lovingly as he spoke about his cat. I asked to see pics of his cat...he showed it to me. Our convo was great I stayed up w/him on the phone till 5am. Sun it was ok but I could tell he was distant so I left him alone n only replied to his text if he sent it.

Mon came n I didn't hear from him only "ok" responding to my one text n nothing for the rest of the day...than at 11:50pm he sent me a pic of his cat stating his cat needs to be close to my cat. I didn't respond. I saw it but I went back to sleep. Than in the morning he sent a text again about working overtime during holiday season. I responded short yeah.

The reason why I was upset n it has been nagging me n I spoke to him that day was during his absence he let his hairdresser leave her clothes in his house. I know there is no feelings between them but he told me he was helping her get out of a bad relationship n he was helping her move to her parents place so he offered his place to store her clothes for a week. I am hurt...here I am when I have been nothing but kind to him but he rather show his kindness to his hairdresser????
So I asked him what is going on with her on Monday after he sent the text about working overtime...I told him I was hurt what he told me about his hairdresser n he offered to help her. I asked him if something was going on n he said no...he was just being kind to her. He sent me pics of his closet showing that her clothes are gone (Before he left he was harsh to me n told me a girl moved in n sent me pics of women's clothing in his closet), he said nothing is going on but I was still kind to him.

I than called him...he spoke about the future w/me. About what he wants to do when he moved here...what he would like me to do...for 4 hrs! I knew in my heart he was going to leave again...so I just listened n agreed to everything he said. That is all I did.

2 hrs later....he said he just called to wish me a happy holiday season n than he sent me a link to a newsfeed. His roomate from 2009/2010 died in a car accident. Here is a guy that doesn't talk to anyone besides his family (supposedly) n he sent me this info...of course my heart went out to him...I told him I was there w/him to give him a hug...I told him I am so so sorry! N then I got busy w/my daughter didn't hear from him for a few hrs....I was making my kids dinner n he sent a text again stating I wish you have a good holiday n I got upset cause he was leaving again :( I felt it. So I said go have fun w/your hairdresser (all this over text) n he replied back n said NO! I AM LOOKING WHAT TO WEAR TO A FUNERAL!!!

And honestly all I said was What Funeral? Completely forgot (since I just got back from work, busy making kids dinner) was texting in the middle of cooking...all I said was What Funeral? Then he started cussing at me, told me he wished he never met me, he said I was a pathetic soul :( all cause I said What Funeral? :(

That is the last thing he texted me calling me names n wished he never met me. That was last Tues n I texted him on Christmas wishing him Merry Christmas and hope he was doing ok no response.

Will I hear from him again???? Or is it done cause I made a mistake n said WHAT FUNERAL??? Is he gone forever....please help!

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I am a sufferer.

There seems to be a lot going on here. The hairdresser issue....Maybe he was just being friendly, but at the same time its unacceptable to throw it in your face and say another woman had moved in. This may have been a point where his stress cup overflowed and he started lashing out, but that's no excuse to be so hurtful to you. Yes, our stress cups overflow easily, but we still have the power to minimize/eliminate the pain we cause to others. So I guess what I'm saying is that you shouldn't dismiss this comment as just being PTSD.

And then there is the death of the former roommate. It sounds like the death slipped your mind. Innocent enough, right? However, grief is a funny, funny thing. Emotions can be all over the place in normal people, but then add in PTSD and it can be a recipe for disaster. I went through grief earlier this year and it was unreal....within the span of an hour I'd go from feeling normal, to feeling like the world was collapsing around me, to feeling rage and wanting to take everyone out, and then finally back to normal. Repeat this throughout the day and you can see how stressful it all is!

I think that all you can do at this point is let him have his space, and perhaps check in every so often to let him know you support him and will help him if he needs it. Please don't put your life on hold, as nobody can tell you if he will come back or not. However, I do caution you against moving full speed ahead at this point in the game as he doesn't seem to be ready for a full relationship right now. Yes, it can be tempting when a sufferer tells you all of the things that they envision for your wonderful future together, but keep the stress cup in mind. I've learned that slow and steady really does win the race. Fast and furious leads to a quick burn out. I'm saying this as someone who has had a lifetime of fast and furious relationships that never lasted. I'm finally taking this one slowly, and even though there are still bumps along the way, its a MUCH more comfortable pace for me and is ultimately minimizing my stress. I wish you the best.

 

[Sabrina0712]

Thank you so much Solara- I have not contacted him since sending him Merry Christmas n wishing he was doing ok (last Thursday) All I am doing is reading all this stuff on the forum...I am trying to be patient n waiting for him to come back to me. I wish I can tell you how this has hurt me tremendously...but when he is on the phone telling me (like Tuesday of last week) all he did his Christmas shopping for, his cat...you have no idea how wonderful that makes me feel. All I ever did was listen to him...all I ever did was be there for him. I wish he knew how I much I love him...I wish he knew :(

I didn't mean to say What Funeral? I was so busy n stressed dealing w/work n my kids it just came out and the way he blew up at me like I said the most dreadful thing. The first time he called after being gone for over a week...he told me he hated the way he treated me...I didn't deserve it n that was 3 days before!

All I do is listen to him...I wish he knew how much he is loved :(

 

[Sabrina0712]

BTW: when I sent Merry Christmas he never replied back to me...so I don't see the point in sending him a text.

 

[Justmehere]

Whenever conflict or negative feelings come up, avoid text and pick up the phone. 80% of communication is non-verbal and things can escalate so much faster on text or email than they do on the phone or in person.

In this case, it might be good to have a phone conversation, and not continue on text for the time being.

 

[Sabrina0712]

Thank you justmehere- he won't pick up my calls...but I want to so badly text him Happy New Year....should I? Even when he hasn't texted me since last Tues n I just texted him once on Christmas?

Please tell me :(

 

[Nico]

Hi @Sabrina0712 . I don't think you should reach out anymore. You've done your part at being kind and I can completely relate to you. I for the life of me do not understand how a PTSD mind works and how they can push away a loved one (I'm going through that myself), so I think it's best to leave your guy alone. That's what I'm doing and I'm working on moving on. I don't think it's healthy to sit around and wait...it'll only bring you down. As women, we want our men to know badly how much we care for them. It's ok to tell them that, but you can't keep pushing for contact. You just need to let it go. if he comes around, then great. But remember he hurt you and that can't go dismissed. In the meantime, move on with your life and try to be happy without him. I've read on here that a supporter can really get sucked down with them and also get depression. You don't want that to happen to yourself. Let him wonder where you are when he eventually snaps out of his funk.

 

[Sabrina0712]

Thank you Nico! I am sorry but your message came too late n I did text me Happy New Year n all he did was call me names n told me to leave him alone :( I don't know what I did to deserve this...not once I hurt him....not once I called him the names he has called me. All I did was love him for all that he is :(
I am sooooooo sad cause I don't know what caused this hate towards me. No clue.

 

[Nico]

Sorry to hear this and you need to know that you didn't do anything. Not knowing how long you guys have been together makes it difficult to asses too as far as his level of commitment to you. In your post you did mention he was planning to move near you, so that says he was serious. It seems he's in a lot of pain and no matter what you do, he'll find fault in it. Time to walk away...he is not being nice. I know it hurts bad...I won't even begin with my extremely painful story...but there's a thread in the relationships section about what I am going through. It's very hurtful to be shut out, especially if you are trying to be a friend.

 

[Ladyghosthunter]

Leave him be. There is nothing you can do if he's going to be playing "games" with texting. If he was that upset about his friend being killed, he would've reached out to you for comfort and love. However, been in this before, he sounds like he is taking his rage out on you while his hairdresser (moving in for a bit is reaching the lie pretty far) was getting the best part of him.

You deserve better. And if he texts again, I would tell him not to text you again with a thank you at the end. Block his number and go on with your life. You were trying to be a friend but ended up on the wrong end of a donkey.

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

Hey, Sabrina!
I agree wholeheartedly with Ladyghosthunter...leave him be. It sounds very much like he is playing games, and doesn't mind hurting you whenever he feels like it.

You DO deserve better, especially if you have kids. It's hard when you have a loving, giving heart to realize that some people get some kind of satisfaction from 'reeling someone caring in' then dropping them and making them feel that THEY did something wrong.

I would chalk it up to experience, and realize that relationships can only work when you can communicate eye to eye, and not depend on texting and pictures, when it could really be all lies and pretending.

It's better to be in no relationship at all, than one that you never know when they are going to leave, or turn on you and make you the 'bad guy'.

Do what YOU enjoy, and if it meant to be, you may meet someone with similar interests that doesn't have the habit of saying whatever they feel, whether or not they are hurtful.

Best of luck,
AKJ

 

[Sabrina0712]

Thank you all for your kind, kind words...I know the right thing to do is to turn n walk away but I did something horrible on Friday...well at least he made me feel horrible for it. I sent his cat that he adores treats, toys....just os he can realize what a good person I am. I wish you all knew how much I loved him n accepted him for who he was. He is on 80% disability w/PTSD. I just wanted to take care of him.
When I told him I sent his cat gift, he called me a F***** W****. I don't know where his hatred for me stems from but listening to him n his past relationships n how proud he was to walk away from all his relationships...I know I was nothing to him. Just a week ago he was planning out a future w/me n he just turned it around n said it was all a lie. A LIE! So hurtful :(
I am lost...hurt so much. This is so hard n painful. I am a kind person n I gave it my all to him....never once judged him or treated him bad. Accepted him for all he was.
I wouldn't wish what I was going thru to my worst enemy! What do I do now? I know the answer is staring me but its so hard to let go n I know I don't deserve this but he brought my confidence level so low that I don't think I deserve anyone.
Please help...