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MyPTSD Pro
So within the past few weeks I’ve recovered so many memories of being molested as a child including one of the molesters (my father). It’s been hard, tumultuous but also so rewarding that I’ve finally managed to remember concrete things.
Two days ago my uncle died. My father’s brother. He’s the last of my aunts & uncles from my father’s side. Very sad. He was a sweetheart.
But everything’s now tainted with horrible questions like, did this one know something? Did that one molest me too? And of course I also feel like crap for tarnishing my father’s “memory”.
Anyway, uncles funeral is tomorrow & I’m having panic attacks & anxiety attacks. Until a few hours ago I managed to not think about it but with tomorrow looming over me… it’s starting to take a toll.
I’m also gripped with tremendous fear. He will be buried in the same cemetery as father. And I don’t want to be anywhere near there. I know it’s irrational, he can’t do anything to me but still I’m petrified.
My siblings know how I’ve remembered that father did this to me. Most have been kind but also most have said that although they believe me, they don’t know how to compute that their father did this.
So although I’ll be surrounded by loving family (most being cousins who don’t know) I can’t talk to any of them about what I’m feeling. And I think it’s really insensitive to talk about my issues when their just grieving.
I know that if I reached out, my T would offer to talk on the phone but I don’t want to… I don’t know what to say &… I hate taking up any of T’s time outside of our scheduled sessions.
So I come to you. Hoping for something… kindness perhaps? Advice? I don’t know. I leave that up to you & thank you in advance for taking time out to reply to me.
I’m so so very scared :(((
Two days ago my uncle died. My father’s brother. He’s the last of my aunts & uncles from my father’s side. Very sad. He was a sweetheart.
But everything’s now tainted with horrible questions like, did this one know something? Did that one molest me too? And of course I also feel like crap for tarnishing my father’s “memory”.
Anyway, uncles funeral is tomorrow & I’m having panic attacks & anxiety attacks. Until a few hours ago I managed to not think about it but with tomorrow looming over me… it’s starting to take a toll.
I’m also gripped with tremendous fear. He will be buried in the same cemetery as father. And I don’t want to be anywhere near there. I know it’s irrational, he can’t do anything to me but still I’m petrified.
My siblings know how I’ve remembered that father did this to me. Most have been kind but also most have said that although they believe me, they don’t know how to compute that their father did this.
So although I’ll be surrounded by loving family (most being cousins who don’t know) I can’t talk to any of them about what I’m feeling. And I think it’s really insensitive to talk about my issues when their just grieving.
I know that if I reached out, my T would offer to talk on the phone but I don’t want to… I don’t know what to say &… I hate taking up any of T’s time outside of our scheduled sessions.
So I come to you. Hoping for something… kindness perhaps? Advice? I don’t know. I leave that up to you & thank you in advance for taking time out to reply to me.
I’m so so very scared :(((