Furious. Finding Support Amidst Anger and Grief

[Justmehere]

I’m angry.

I have an opportunity to get some support, clinical therapeutic support that may be good. I had it for a month and it helped.

Then the agency the therapist is in… oh they effed up. Like every different direction.

I tried to talk to the new but seemingly competent therapist twice this past week, and I couldn’t stop being mad.

I should be talking about a death in my family. But I’m not. I’m just filled with fury about the agency eff ups. The therapist didn’t do it. She is offering support. But I keep pushing all-the-things away. I canceled three times. I’m grieving and have a big spike in PTSD symptoms and I’m also now off meds because I keep canceling. I can’t find anything to go back other than feeling like I “should” go back instead of just suffering alone.

I scheduled to go back tomorrow. She offered to talk on the phone to make it easy as possible and I said no, in person. I figure that gives the best chance it’s useful… but I don’t want to go.

I’m trying to think about the last month with the therapist was useful. She said one thing about the agency up that scared me, so go and talk and find out why she said it and try to find a path.

I’m just angry though. It feels endless. I can’t go in this angry and have it be useful. Not sure what to do or how to tone it down. I don’t know what I need even anymore.

 

[Friday]

intellectualize a moment?

The dysreg is totally normal during a symptom spike.

As is the avoidance, and pouring rage into something real/ here/ present/ solvable instead of processing what’s gutting you.

 

[Justmehere]

Yeah. I can’t solve the past & present that is tearing me apart.

Control…. In my anger I think I keep trying to find control now. The agnecy effffed up making decisions without my consent & control. It’s like oh no, not this too. Eff it all.

 

[Friday]

It’s like oh no, not this too. Eff it all.

So screw that.

Treat it like a panic attack. You know it’s happening, but that doesn’t mean you have to run into the street screaming. Not matter how much you might WANT to, doesn’t mean that you have to.

The difference between listening to your instincts & being a slave to them.

 

[scout86]

making decisions without my consent & control.

Obviously, I only "know" you through here, but it feels like I know you a little. That thing right there is a big deal for you. My personal best guess is not only is it annoying the same way it would be for most people, it seems like it's some kind of trigger for you, personally. You've been dealing with a lot. In my experience anyway, "dealing with a lot" gives those old triggers more power. It makes it harder to do what @Friday was just talking about doing. It's still the best course of action though. The anger is real enough and there are plenty of reasons for it. But it might be useful to try to sort out what, exactly, the anger is about. Because some of it might not be coming from the present situation. (And having a good T to talk through this with is a huge asset!)

 

[arfie]

hmmmmmmm. . . starting with my own acceptance of anger as one of the grief stages, ya got me wondering if i should be grateful for all the recovery work i did before i had to process the grief of losing my youngest son (then 35) in a fatal car wreck. in the nearly 4 years since that fatal car wreck i have passed through more than one anger phase. how dare you leave 3 young and helpless orphans alone in this world!?!?! how dare you take those midnight text talks away from me?!?!?! how dare you deprive me of those warm and loving hugs?!?!? how dare you. . . . how dare you. . . my heart still wants to believe his death was optional; that he had a choice in the matter.

my son was the first loved one i have lost. the rest of my grief work has been for the deaths of abusers, perpetrators, the childhood which was callously donated to the janes and johns who finance the child sex trafficking biz and several other gnarlies from my psycho smorgasbord. while the two bodies of grief were vastly different, methinks the stages of grief were similar enough for psychobabble purposes. the therapy tools i used to recover from the grief of abuse worked well for processing the death of my son and the retired life i gave up to raise his 3 young and helpless orphans. the gratitude i am contemplating is that i had those therapy tools polished and ready to roll before i had to process this latest trauma.

dunno if this is pertinent to your case, or not, but i thought i'd share.

steadying support while you sort your own.

 

[No More]

Is this maybe a redirection of feelings from grieving -> anger at the agency, because that’s something more controllable/manageable right now?

It sounds at least like the therapist really wants to work with you and find a way forward. Take your anger to her, is there maybe an old trigger that’s got you & feels so much worse and bigger in the midst of dysregulation & stress & grief?

 

[Freddyt]

But I’m not. I’m just filled with fury about the agency eff ups

Totally normal.....unfortunatley. Separating past and present is part of the healing process for PTSD. But when you get to where that starts to happen? Its not any easier either.......

The difference between listening to your instincts & being a slave to them.

This. It's hard to do but rationalize those feelings and realize what PTSD is adding. It adds fear - because that's what it knows. It adds fight or flight - because that's what it knows.

 

[Justmehere]

I went in and was calm. I decided to use the dbt skill of “turn the tables.” I said I know the agency is what it is, I feel angry, I’m here to try. What should I do from here?

She wanted to work out the agency problem. I tried. I tried everything. I was calm. I was regulated but I also didn’t know what to do it say and I kept saying I don’t know what to do anymore. I outlined solutions etc etc. I didn’t understand what we were doing. I kept asking for help with the pain.

As I walked out the door the therapist said it wasn’t a therapy session, it was a “client advocacy appointment” and she was not going to be my therpaist again. I turned around and she said she had a meeting and I had to leave. She told me to go sign a form downstairs if I still wanted to see their psychiatrist tomorrow.

By the time I got to the front desk I was shaking and in a panic.

I signed the form. I threw up hyperventilating, An on call therpaist and an on call doctor came out and talked to me. I was sobbing and shaking holding the form blabbering that the therpaist quit what am I going to do now. The therapist is one of the leaders of the agency so they were thrown. She is their boss,

They sat down with me. They messaged her. After an hour, and frankly a decent conversation where they said the agency failure and her quitting with no explanation as I walked out the door had them baffled.

They started to fix the agency failure which included repeatedly prescribing a med I was allergic to. She told them my appointment with the doctor was canceled. She gave them no explanation, it was a internal staff message. They seemed shocked and said none of this made sense to them, they could see why I was so shaken. They had no options no solutions. They said someone would call me tomorrow but someone had said that for weeks. They said it made sense if I trusted nothing they said. Part of the solution she promised 3 weeks ago was that she would be my therapist l. She was for 3 weeks until today. Things got better during those three weeks and she said I was doing amazing and then the agency prescribed the med I’m allergic to and canceled care instead of fixing that and I went in today to addres it and get things on track and she quit as I walked out. No reasoning. No options. Nothing. She said there was no one to help me. They treat thousands of people. No one to help me.

I eventually went into the waiting room. The agency failure was four months of saying do xyz and you will get the care we promised… and then never doing their part.

Then this today. Again. Again and again I do my part. They kept promising and she promised to be my therapist as part of the solution but now without explanation she quit as I walked out and took away the med management.

The on call doctor fixed the prescribing of meds I’m allergic to. Said they would ensure someone would call me tomorrow with a solution.

 

[Justmehere]

I’m not going back. This isn’t healthy for me. The three weeks I had care were amazing and they said I did amazing and she told me today I did nothing wrong.

But still, as I walked out, she quit.

As I was walking away from her office. Then canceled my care tomorrow despite saying that would happen, just sign the form.

I will never go back. This was the last try for me to get help. This was the end of the road for me in trying to get help.

 

[scout86]

I wish I had something more helpful to say. I just don't want to see you give up. You've had unbelievably bad luck dealing with the therapy world. And yet, you deserve to be helped. I don't understand this whole "therapist just giving up on people" thing. It seems unethical. It seems like, if one outfit can't do the job, they have an obligation to at least help find someone who can. Because surely someone can.

 

[EveHarrington]

In one of your previous threads I think I wrote about how our stories right now are somewhat similar. My therapist emailed me yesterday and said we should part ways because I don’t want to use DBT to help my OCD type symptoms, never mind the fact that DBT isn’t a top treatment for OCD, it’s more like third tier, so I’m still baffled as to why I was placed with her when I specifically asked for someone to help with OCD stuff.

I’m highly critical of therapy at this point but the truth is that many of us still need it. My anger caused me to call another therapist (who does a completely different type of therapy) and I have an appointment next week. I am actually hopeful at this point as it’s a type of therapy I’ve done before that’s helped me.

I guess I say all of this to tell you to not give up. Take a break if you need it, switch over to finding self help books, use the text crisis hotline, etc. I know it’s not easy. I know it’s so very difficult when you need help but can’t find it. I know how much worse it feels when treatment is pulled out from under you. (It’s happened to me multiple times now.)

The way that this place handled your treatment and termination is so very wrong. It’s pretty disgusting that treatment can be terminated in an instant and leave you high and dry. I wish there were more rules around this.