Fustrated

[maire]

I was diagnosed with ptsd at 15. I don't remember a life without it. I remember this happy fun girl but it is more like that was someone I just knew a lifetime ago. I always told myself when I grew up it would be okay. If I could just make I would be better, happy. I was in therapy off and on and counseling but even though it was nice being able to talk to someone it never did anything for me. There was a lot of events I wanted to talk about but never felt I could. I still don't think it is a good idea for a couple years. But I just don't see it helping. I don't know what to do anymore. I mean I started feeling better after I found out what I have. Which is weird but it was like a weight off knowing. I used to be very open about parts of my past. Every time I tried to completely open up I was always treated like I was a damaged child. Even though they seemed shocked at the stuff that happen, telling me how I didn't seem like someone who went through it (I worked really hard to hide it) I was always soon told I had too many problems and out of my life they went. So I became careful of what I shared and who I shared it with. I used to be an open book with partners too. But when I met my husband I knew he couldn't handle hearing so I never told him. I tested the waters once but it didn't go well. He knows a lot happen but has no idea what I went through. As weird as it sounds it has been refreshing having him not know. It is like I was able to be a new person even though I am still dealing with my ptsd. We have been together 6 years. I finally told him one day that I have it. He laughed and told me I don't have shell shock. I wish he knew how much that hurt. When I became pregnant with my second child I hit a wall. It was like I was a kid again and I can't seem to get back where I was. Things never went away but they were better. But now I am back to having panic attacks all over the place it feels like. I have no interest in me. I can't get myself to do most of the things I used to do. It seems like it is worse now. I was so stupid to think that if I made it through everything that I would be in a good place. Like it was some sort of reward. I am just so sick of feeling this way and having no one to talk to. I try talking to my sister in laws but I suck completely at talking to girls. Downside to growing up with 4 brothers I think. I just don't know what to say and I get so uncomfortable. But since I got married I don't like talking to guys either. My only friend lives across the country. I don't know what to make the point of this post. I just needed to say something. Thanks for reading.

 

[Spiderallis]

Well, you're posting about it, that's a great step to take. It's totally okay to limit what details you offer to anyone. That's a healthy thing, you're doing really good at that. Was the baby born recently? I know I've seen something about there being greatly increased odds of depression after childbirth if the mother has had depressive episodes in the past. Would you be comfortable asking your doctor about it?

 

[maire]

No he is two. It was brought on while I was pregnant with him. I haven't talked to a doctor because I would rather not go on medication.