Gah Is Probably Not The Best Hello.

[Friday]

USMC. 90s. Military family.

Dx'd 15+ years ago.
Had a grip for 10+ years.
The previous 5 years were active duty and faking being fine, and the private thing back when it was still gig work few weeks on + sex/drugs/beach thing few weeks off... No faking necessary. Welcome to crazy, and whomever out-crazies wins. But it's still mostly NGO & "humanitarian" work so you can feel good about yourself while on the beach that you're not a total f*ckup, even though you're a total f*ckup. Upside, that got boring and I decided to have a go at real life. Downside, I really freaking miss it right now, and can't (shouldn't, don't, am trying not to) go back.

My compartmentalization has totally broken down over the past 18mo. Bad bad bad. I've come wicked close to checking in or checking out so many times this past year it's gone from not funny to freaking hilarious. Which is another bad sign. Screaming = bad. Giggling = sooooo much worse. I spooked a cop last week laughing in my car in an empty parking lot, I managed to pass off as a book or movie or whatever by waving my tablet at him. Thank god he didn't come 5 minutes earlier.

I was good, really really good at the normal life thing, for a really long time.
And now it's all gone.
Not to drama it up...just basics; family, house, job, goals, everything I've worked for in the past 10 years is toast, and I just can't seem to rebuild. Everything I've put energy into the past couple years falls apart. Common denominator is me. Usually I like that, because if it's my fault I can fix it. But I just. can't. seem. to. fix. it.

And all the fun stuff I had rerouted (panic attack = sex or sports or kids, insomnia = term paper 2 mo early, whatever... Use it); repurposed (hypervigilance makes a great kids game, no boring shopping trips ever!); or put away to the point I could even talk about it when someone was all acute and no big thang... Has pandora'd out of its box. Bad enough so that I'm losing time. I never blacked out back when I drank (quit ages ago) even when I tried to (yeah, sick, what? Those 5 fd years), and now I'm losing weeks. It's February in my head. Four months. I've lost four months this year. Bad juju.

I'm too paranoid to ask for help from people who don't have to go research to find out what I'm talking about is an actual thing (omg. Who would make this stuff up? I mean, really?), or who are looking at me like a comic book character. Gross. And I'm boring. Stupid. But boring. So if they're freaking out or getting all crusader about my totally boring stuff? Nope. Because I really want to get back to working a job with a living wage, and that means background checks. Since I somehow managed to avoid paper trails in the early days of gross stupidity, I don't want them now. Not when everything reads "In the past 10 years have you ever..." Head. Meet drywall.

I know, and I understand that predictable is preventable, but dayum.

I feel stuck in a catch22.
I know there's help out there.
But if I seek that help, then I can't work. Which is why I need help.
That and the whole not being crazy is good in general thing.
Gah.

So I'm really hoping maybe some of y'all can help me.
I need my walls back.
I need to recompartmentalize, and I don't know where to start.
It's always been an organic thing. This here, that there.
I don't know how to do it on purpose.

 

[reddevil1111]

First, semper Fi brother.
Secondly, go get into some therapy most ricky tick. It does wonders if your open about the process.
Thirdly, this site can help out a lot. Lots of good advice and folks on it.

Its good that you recognize your needing help but you can do this alone. It takes someone else to help you vent and then help you learn how to rebuild your life. To give you the tools to combat the stress and triggers.

I am glad you found the site!

 

[Grizzly]

Welcome to the site Friday. Like reddevil1111 said, find some therapy.

 

[Friday]

I don't know if I can do therapy again.

I realize all therapists are different, and you've kinda gotta shop around, but it seems like every time I've tried, it's only made things worse. I don't think I can afford to get worse at this point, kwim?

 

[OldDoorGunner]

Welcome Friday. red got you pointed in the right direction with starting therapy. I'm one of the old Nam farts, so have been dealing with the beast for a lot of years. I have made some good progress in the last 3.5 years and I will be working on the rest of my life. But that is OK, as I will have a better life to live....

This a good site to learn about the Beast......

J R

 

[Sarg]

Friday,

Check to see if they have a Vet Center in your area. Sometimes group sessions with a group of your peers can help you. If you can, give it a shot.

Sarg

 

[Jimmy1]

Good morning Friday,

Lets have a look at you here.

First of all your in the same boat as all of are or have been and since you have come to this site you are after support and advice.

I have been a member of this forum for nearly five years now and have seen all manner of people come and go. I see the ones that refuse to believe their diagnosis, I see the ones that don't want to move on, the ones that are on the edge and thinking seriously of checking out, and the ones that really want help. I won't mention the fakers. In all my experience though, I have come to one conclusion whether I am right or not. You have to hit rock bottom and be willing to do whatever it takes before you make any 'Real' progress.

You have basically diagnosed yourself good and proper, you know what's wrong, but you don't know how to fix it. In the past you have just put a band-aid on it, kept busy, etc, when all it was doing was building up inside like Mt Vesuvius and we all know what happened to that.You might have tried therapy in the past, but your head might not have been ready for it. If you don't like group therapy, go find an individual therapist, it might cost you, but it's an option. Go check out a Veterans Centre, they should know of some.
And if your not coping, the option of medication is there too, it's not forever, but why do it tough.

These are all options mate. Your choice now.

Jimmy

 

[atilla]

Welcome Friday. As the Brothers said.......Stick around.

 

[Friday]

There are some vet centers here... Lots in a couple hundred mile radius.
They scare me senseless.
<<< Paranoid.

<grin> Although the upside is that anything IRL military causes such a hard and fast reaction that I feel almost normal after running away. Sigh. So. Pathetic. I got outted at "my" gun range this year when I was in a good mood and let something drop on accident (mostly current cops & xMarines), and haven't been back. Been there for years. The idea of being caught out squirrelly makes me bulemic.

Maybe that's a thought, though. I could go have some carlorie free burgers and shakes and drowned in gravy whatever that I usually avoid... Until I grow a spine and walk in, instead of driving by until I get sick. Win Win.

 

[Wagon]

[QUOTE
Dx'd 15+ years ago.
Had a grip for 10+ years.
The previous 5 years were active duty and faking being fine, and the private thing back when it was still gig work few weeks on + sex/drugs/beach thing few weeks off... No faking necessary. Welcome to crazy, and whomever out-crazies wins. But it's still mostly NGO & "humanitarian" work so you can feel good about yourself while on the beach that you're not a total f*ckup, even though you're a total f*ckup. Upside, that got boring and I decided to have a go at real life. Downside, I really freaking miss it right now, and can't (shouldn't, don't, am trying not to) go back.
][/QUOTE]

Welcome Friday.

Late onset PTSD. Ahh the joy of it all. I did the same shit. Hung with a career where the crazies are. Hit a wall after 20 years. All the shit piled up so high and all the old tricks didn't work anymore. Time for a new bag of tricks.

Bag of tricks......its a good mentality to have. Think of it as having an old nasty ditty bag. Soap scum in it, old tooth brush worn down to the nubs, some pubes floating around in there, rusty nail clippers. Time to toss the whole mess.

Now new ditty bag....Lots of new tricks laying around here. Shiny and new. VA will get you what it gets you. The important part is that you educate yourself and pick up tricks on your own.

Hang tough
Wagon

 

[Wagon]

[QUOTE
Dx'd 15+ years ago.
Had a grip for 10+ years.
The previous 5 years were active duty and faking being fine, and the private thing back when it was still gig work few weeks on + sex/drugs/beach thing few weeks off... No faking necessary. Welcome to crazy, and whomever out-crazies wins. But it's still mostly NGO & "humanitarian" work so you can feel good about yourself while on the beach that you're not a total f*ckup, even though you're a total f*ckup. Upside, that got boring and I decided to have a go at real life. Downside, I really freaking miss it right now, and can't (shouldn't, don't, am trying not to) go back.
][/QUOTE]

Welcome Friday.

Late onset PTSD. Ahh the joy of it all. I did the same shit. Hung with a career where the crazies are. Hit a wall after 20 years. All the shit piled up so high and all the old tricks didn't work anymore. Time for a new bag of tricks.

Bag of tricks......its a good mentality to have. Think of it as having an old nasty ditty bag. Soap scum in it, old tooth brush worn down to the nubs, some pubes floating around in there, rusty nail clippers. Time to toss the whole mess.

Now new ditty bag....Lots of new tricks laying around here. Shiny and new. VA will get you what it gets you. The important part is that you educate yourself and pick up tricks on your own.

Hang tough
Wagon

 

[Wagon]

f*cking double post. :mad::mad::mad: