Gaslighting: Protecting Yourself

[BloomInWinter]

Sorry - am pretty fragmented these days so I am having a hard time being coherant.

Before texting, an abused person could at least get some respite from the barrage of degradating spoken messages simply by going out in the public. An abuser would have to leave that person alone or risk being overhead.

Abusive boyfriends, parents of abused teen girls, for instance, couldn't control every minute of her day because their behavior wouldn't be allowed on the school grounds. Now, though....we're seeing teen girls receiving dozens of abusive texts in just a few hours. ...and all throughout her day. ...and every time she responds thinking it will placate the abuser for a bit, she also is deepening the abuser's hold over her.

...and there's even less chance for teachers, friends, bystanders to intervene, much less perceive that an abuser is exercising control right in front of everyone.

If the schools put blockers up except in the offices, perhaps a few other 'open areas', then people could still communicate when needed, but the abused &/or text-addicted person would be seen entering this area far more, and some intervention might occur early. Or, they could at least have a safety zone by saying 'Mom, the teachers were watching! I couldn't leave to get to the open area...'

Having a few areas in public where people didn't have to listen to texting wouldn't be a bad thing for customer service, either, like in movies (happening now) and some restaurants. Places where emergency texting is not neded, is only for convenience but is also possibly intrusive to others (like a bathroom) could help our next generation have just a few moments where their every move isn't being critcized might help some break free.

On our campus, it's appalling the thousands of texts abused students are getting. Trying to help these victims is a struggle because they can keep feeding their abusive relationship with just a few clicks of the cell phone buttons. ...and abusers are, I think, learning to use abusive texting like a drug where they get a constant ego biscuit every time they've managed to trigger a response.

I do suspect there's a bit of hostage taking psycological processes at work. I just feel helpless at this point to do anything other than try to point out it out.

Sorry if I'm making no sense.

 

[SimplyComplex]

I would advocate for greater education for teens/young adults about abusive relationships and their options, and phone companies making blocking incoming numbers easier (now we are paying $5 a month on each phone for the option to block our abusers from being able to call us). But I still don't think blocking texting in places is any solution. People being harassed can turn off their phones. They can block numbers. Change their numbers. Not give their cell number out to abusers. I don't really see that blocking texting in some areas would make much of a difference in the life of an abused person. If they want shelter from the incoming abuse (and lets be honest, there is a dynamic in some of these relationships that makes some of the abused not want such shelter), there are ways the person can get it themselves. And I would also argue that it would be more effective for the victim to be empowered to help themselves.

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

Minimizing is a tactic used in gaslighting, to be sure, but it's the ongoing invalidation of the responses that eventually have the victim left feeling vulnerable and disoriented...or worse.

There are many who gaslight others with no idea they communicate that way.

WOW!! I have never heard of this...it explains so MUCH!!

Thank you SO much!!

 

[BloomInWinter]

RE: Texting and using cell-phone signal blockers to make some public 'safe' spaces against cell phone use.

Maybe it wouldn't help much. But I do think it would help some.

...and I do think it is a huge problem.

It's so disenheartening to watch the compulsive phone checking, rapid response back going on in the lives of people seeking support but unable to even break away long enough to tell us what is going on.

We would be appalled if they kept shooting up or snorting right in front of us...and I think more of us would be stirred to act. But regular abusive texts are part of fueling the gaslighting - now often two ill people doing it to each other - and I do think it's an addiction for many.

I like to think we''d act if that person abusing them was saying those things out loud.

Havng safe, 'texting free' spaces in public could give people triggered/recovering from/fearful of/by texting some areas of safety out in the world. But yes, just a small part of what will need to be many prevention, education, intervention stategies.

When someone does ask for our help, and we suggest they get phone records for court, they'll have literally thousands and thousands of bullying, berating messages, and not just from the abuser they've finally decided to seek help from. As many of us know, we go through many before finally having 'enough'.

I find it painful to watch so many of being conditioned to expect an immediate response, or give one.

Texting is a great medium for communication. It also has some issues that are of concern to public health/safety.

The rapid response nature provides very little incentive for taking the time to process what is said, feel the emotion, find a thoughtful, mature response, then stand up for that opinion.

Technology seems ahead of the wisdom curve.

I do know this; when someone texts me something rude, I block them now unless I really want to keep them as friends.

I shudder to think back if I would have had a chance of getting away from my family if they had the ability to text me constantly. It was the distance, and clear space free of their influence that helped me get some sense of a better world out there.

I wonder if others like me would now have the chance I was given.

 

[James B.]

The whole "Gaslighting" thing as discussed here, seems like a good one to be aware of. To be able to maybe observe some of it going on around us, know what it means and be able to steer clear, etc. Wonder if it's fair to list Gaslighting as a Scapegoating "strategy"?

Watching this happen to my sister, basically her whole life, was very painful and it seems helpful to give a name to what I witnessed. It is amazing though, to remember my sister's breathing problems, what was said to her/how she was treated (yes, something deeply wrong w/ family) and then realize now that she was (almost certainly) having a real panic attack.

 

[BloomInWinter]

(((((James)))) & ((((Jame's Sister))))))

My Mom, sisters, cousins...the kids in the classroom....all of us were subjected to it. It is empowering to have a name for it now...and a defense that I can teach to my children. ...and co-workers, too.

Some of our difficult customers will send ranting gaslighting emails which used to upset me greatly because I didn't realize how to deal with them. A thoughtful point on point response just doesn't work with people who do that - they aren't looking to problem-solve, just blame, shame, or negate another.

Now, I pick up the phone, talk them through what I'm obligated to....and tell them to put their response in an email if it's not clear. Then, if I get a rude email, I now reply back professionally, with just the facts...copied to their supervisor.

It's been marvellously effective at making them accountable for their rudeness. ...and several of them now treat me with MUCH more courtesy, both through email and phone. We're able to work together, and I feel better about myself and my job.

So wishing I had been given this info decades ago!

*cutting the fuel line*

 

[BloomInWinter]

Here's some good quick mental judo to use when encountering gaslighting;

"A few quick tips: If you are dancing the Gaslight Tango: opt out of the power struggles; avoid the right-wrong debates; use silence instead of commenting when someone is provoking you; write down your dialogues - then, take a look at them, at another time; talk to a trusted friend; trust your gut - if something feels wrong - it is wrong for you!". source: [DLMURL]http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/power-in-relationships/200903/identify-the-gaslight-effect-and-take-back-your-reality[/DLMURL]

 

[James B.]

Thanks Bloom, this is from your link:

The powerful gaslighter (he has power both because he asserts it and because the gaslightee gives it to him!) engages in an ongoing, systematic knocking down of the other, less powerful, person, purposely controlling the relationship by telling the other that there is something wrong with the way she sees the world or there's something wrong with who she is -- and-- the gaslightee, by agreeing with him or allowing his perceptions define hers, over time, loses confidence, feels unsure and experiences a growing shakiness of self.

This describes my perspective and memories of my sisters experience. It continued well into adult life, and think she finally stood up to them around 2005/6. Unfortunately she'd already had (I guess) several nervous breakdowns (or something very similar). Back in 1990, had told her my perspective in a phone call; that my brothers had been engaged in a verbal/psychological abuse campaign (best word to describe) against her as long as I could remember.

It happened to me too. My brothers had to "gaslight" me and my sisters experience and perspectives. Because we were the incest survivors.

 

[BloomInWinter]

(((((James))))))

I'm so sorry for what you've endured. ...and your poor sis... *heartsick*

This topic has really gotten my cognitive restructuring on overdrive....the coworker I was having trouble dealing with? Gaslighting.

The former coworkers on one of the ambulance services? YUP.

Worst in my life...what my dad & his mom did to my mom, then me...my sisters too - but they partipcated as adults, and continue.

So much makes sense, now. Crazy as that sounds.

My core self has ashes from the decades of it.

 

[James B.]

My core self has ashes from the decades of it.

Yes Bloom, very well put. You are not alone. :tup:

 

[Tinyflame]

Ya, there's not much you can do when you live (within) it, worse fall-out to fight it.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

The texting reminds me of my father. When my husband and I were separated, my father started using texting, my cell phone, voice messages, emails...and if that didn't work and he couldn't get a hold of me for a few hours ( I was at work), he would call my aunt. He was getting more and more controlling, bullying and using texting to really do that. Texting was something I should have been able to reply to very fast, in his eyes. It got to the point of me dreading to even look at my cell phone when I got off of work.